I've been feeling lately like there is much in my life that I have placed into other's hands. Not that I am trying to be in the driver's seat mind you, I'm content to let God drive... No, its more that I feel like I'm all the way in the back of the station wagon - you know, with the luggage. Yeah. That's changing now.
This morning I woke up cranky, hair mussed, sore throat, slightly hung over. But I looked in the mirror at myself, really looked at the girl in the mirror, and I had to smile (look dimples!). Because despite the cranky, despite the morning breath, despite the lines I'm starting to see under my eyes...she was beautiful. I'm proud of her, how she is handling herself, her heart, her life.
I make mistakes every day. I forgive and allow and entice and cut off people all the time. I'm a pretty easygoing person - superficially. Most never get to see my layers or call me on my bullshit. And those who do - those are the people I wouldn't let go of for anything.
I've spent a year in introspection - as it was necessary for me to take a good look at mistakes I've made in my life up until this point, concessions I've made, strings that I was still holding tight to that should have been severed long ago...but I'm better now. I no longer hate myself. I don't have dark thoughts of ending my life. I'm not depressed. There is too much light in me, too much potential for both good and great in my life. For years I was attracted to potential in others, and not once did I stop to examine my own...
There are so many different paths I can take. I might take the one you least expect. I might not take any of them - maybe be a trailblazer, create my own damn path.
I'm not angry you see. Far from it. I am embracing all sides of myself. The dark and the light. The logical, the illogical...because of the woman I looked at in the mirror this morning. An old me, but brand new too. You never know what she will decide to do...
But she's ready. Bring it.
-Asha
