It's interesting to feel my roots as an extension of me, a place I can carry wherever I wander - no matter how far.
That solidness has led to more art - in the form of songs that won't quit haunting me. Almost like that one character a writer releases from their mind, that sets up camp and refuses to go unrecognised. I hear the songs in my head, I bump along to them on my drives, and whenever it is time to sleep - I write them down. The solitary painting that has come out of this time was of the "selfie" variety.
But hey, if you're going to do a nude... Right?
So - I released someone who was already walking out of my life, creating his own path after having been supported physically, emotionally, and financially for two years...and it was interesting. I felt hurt. I felt anger. I felt used. But I also felt done. No unfinished business, no lingering feelings, nothing other than an honest wish for his happiness and wellness. Growth? Or more than that?
I believe it had more to do with the return of my lion.
We go through so much alone, especially as we navigate through adulthood. We become "experts" on ourselves, and we speak as experts about the rules that we follow, what we will and will not do. I had a "no redos" rule when it came to relationships. I don't like to look backward. When we are done - we're done.
I neglected to investigate what would happen if we were never really "done". I lied to myself. Said we were. Told myself there was no way...
Then I shook my head at myself and admitted my folly.
I am in love. Going on seven years of being in love. I fell in love before I was free to. And because of this, I could never truly be in love with anyone else.
I entertained daydreams about everafters with others. I can think of at least one that was extremely attractive to me...
But you knew. Even if I didn't or maybe I just wouldn't admit it.
We belong together - you and I.
I started this blog as a way to see into myself, to be free and honest with my emotions, to love my flaws and celebrate my joys.
And I am not ashamed to admit to there being a recurring theme - a major character.
We've been down more than up.
We've fought ourselves and each other and circumstances and the universe.
And the universe has, once again, placed us on the same path.
I don't know where it goes.
I don't care where it goes.
I just know that knowing you're on it - I will move forever forward.
Constantly. Affectionately. Loyally. Completely.
I love you Deangelo.
That is all.
Yours - always.
L.
