Anti-Venom...

I will be the first to admit that - when angry - I sometimes say things I shouldn't say. Not because I don't mean them and not because they aren't true...but because saying them publicly is not something I am 100% comfortable with.

So, yeah.

I spent some time yesterday with my friend's two daughters - because for me, being around children forces me to continue living where my emotions are pushing for a full stop. For a while I thought I could achieve the same through alcohol...nope. Working out, therapy, shopping, writing, painting, yoga - all great for a quick heart-fix. But when it comes to lasting effects, something to force me off my ass and back into the real world, there is nothing like being surrounded by the growing potential of a child.

Some people think that your potential for greatness fades the older you get. I'm guilty of thinking that way myself sometimes. But a child... every day their light gets brighter. Their possibilities double, triple...

I have to start thinking of myself, my own life, in the same matter. Full of possibilities, and with each day, my potential for greatness getting better, my light getting brighter.

Yesterday I felt like I was about to have that light snuffed out. I felt myself closing up, pulling into myself where I could guarantee my own safety... I just wanted to sleep, lose myself in friendly and loving dreams.

But those two little girls. One like an imp, all dimples and mischief. The other - so like me at her age its ridiculous. There is no way to block out the light of a loved child. It sings to your own, forces it out into the day, grabs it by the hand and plays "ring-around-the-rosy" with it...

One of the things I tell myself I have to look forward to is having children of my own. Being a mother. Finishing all of my novels. Travelling the world. Owning my cafe. Having a wonderfully supportive husband who is just mature enough but with a bit of their own childish heart left so that we can play together with our kids, making them laugh and giggle and showing them what love and life can be...

I remember my heart. Remember my brain too - not left, not right, but smack dab in the middle so my possibilities are endless. I remember who I have been and to be excited about who I still can be -tonight, tomorrow, twenty years from now.

I will be a woman that my family and friends can be proud of. One my children and husband can be proud of... who I can be proud of.

And, with that said, here's to letting go of the past, if not completely with the grace I hoped I would have, at least without venom.

Peace.
-Asha

Sensitive...

When I was a little girl I was constantly told that I was too sensitive - that I let things get to me more than other people. I was very empathetic - if someone else was crying, chances were I would tear up too... I guess it was embarrasing for my family, but in all honesty, it was just me being myself.

Received my divorce papers today - or at least the ones I was sent. I took one look at the manila envelope with my name on it and just broke. It wasn't that I was surprised... it was more that it made it real. No hiding from it, no pretending its happening to someone else, no burying myself so deep in someone else's problems that I can't see my own...

It's ridiculous really, feeling this way even though I know that we should have done this years ago - before it got to this point, before I became such an easy mark. "Shit, baby, she'll believe whatever I tell her. She loves me."

And I do. And I did. But now it burns in my gut, knowing that despite everything, he still thinks I can be erased, that I am easily replaceable, that I am a disposable wife.

Today, looking at the papers, reading the easy lies he made on them, knowing he thinks that I am still that girl, looking out for him, wanting the best for him, willing to take a bullet for him... I realize he killed that girl. Didn't know it until today. Didn't know I was brand spanking new until today. I can't tell if this is body armor I'm wearing now, if its permanent or not. I just know that today, every tear I've cried has made it stronger, made me stronger. I'm not drowning in them... not at all.

I will never be the girl he hints that I am now - promiscuous, flighty, stupid. It's his guilt over what he has done that he tries to paint me with, so that he feels better. But no honey. I'm not going out and getting drunk and sleeping with whatever sends me a half-smile. I'm not killing my soul. I'm not searching for a cure to my heartsickness - its why I am alone now. Not lonely - just by myself. You tell me you like being on your own; bitch, you don't know what it is to be alone - truly alone - with four walls and a dog as your only company. To know that you have been abandoned by the one person who promised to always have your back... To hear the lie in their voice for months. "Of course I'm going to send for you baby! We'll be together soon. I can't wait to see your face. Think. In a year we could be the ones sending out baby announcements... I love you so much. You're home to me. You're my queen. Always and forever darling..."

Maybe I am too sensitive. Maybe I do walk around with a wounded heart. Maybe I am too scared to make love to anyone else because that would mean that I love them and I'm too scared to love anyone. Maybe I am sitting here, typing out what I wish I could say to your face, what I hoped I would never ever have to say to someone I loved more than my own life...

Tell you one thing I'm not anymore. Naive. I pushed you for 13 years to embrace your potential to be a wonderful man. For 13 months, you've pushed me out of your life. I know you still believe that I am the reason you aren't flourishing, that you can't find love, that your encounters leave you unsatisfied, that you feel out of place in your own skin...

Whatever will you do when you realize the truth?

Know this.

Because of the lies in these papers you sent me, the lies you told me over the years as you laughed behind my back at how gullible I was, the punishments you meted out to me for not being good enough, the love you withheld, the cage you built around me, the emotional abuse I endured at your hands... I'm breaking my promise.

The one I made to you. The forever promise. I gave you my heart freely. You said yourself that you purposefully stomped it into the ground because you felt you could. That everything you did was because you could and because there was no one to stop you. That you naturally took advantage.

I see who and what you are now.

You don't deserve my promises, my love, my support, or my friendship. You don't deserve my leniency so, with truth on my side, I plan to fight you. Be prepared - you've never seen this side of me before. You don't deserve the benefit of the doubt, you don't deserve the luxury of hiding your sins with the darkness.

And you know what else? You don't deserve any more space on this blog.

May God have mercy on you, if it is his will to do so.

-A.