Now it seems that they are, slowly but surely, recovering. It's still going to take some time. Maybe years for a full recovery. But it's happening. I feel it every day. Fiscal strength. Trusting that what I do on a daily basis is important and valued as such... It helps that I'm surrounded by strong women in the same state of flux I'm in.
But now...with that worry off of my mind...I can't help but notice the silence.
It may be a bit more figurative than literal. Plus, it's not that the opportunity to be with several someones is not there.
But what I want for myself is different. And so far, they haven't gotten it.
There's a part of my life I keep separate from the public eye. There are very few crossovers for a reason. I created a persona for myself to protect myself. I like her. She's fun. And as bad as I want her to be...
...but here's the trouble with a persona. Once you turn it on, wear it for a few months, it becomes a part of your everyday life. It's hard to turn off. To take the person back from the persona would take a special kind of person...
And I don't think I've met them yet.
I've attempted. Please don't think I'm so cowardly as to not attempt a real relationship. I have attempted. But there are lines. I don't always do well with lines. The ones you draw to keep the two (or three) sides of yourself separate. I keep meeting "either/or" people who favor one over the other...and that's hard for me. Too hard to maintain. One side will always feel neglected or put-upon. And then...then its done.
I want to be loved.
All the parts of me. Yes maybe, initially, one side is more fun, more intriguing, more full of surprises...but that's only one side. That's like tasting chocolate ice cream for the first time and deciding that is all you want forever. Who wants vanilla?
What is neglected, what is not asked is "why not both?"
I remember...if we're being honest here, and here, in this pseudo-safe space, I do try to be honest.... I remember someone who loved all the parts of me there were. And I flat out refused to go there. It seemed easier to...to just be one or the other. But every time I passed him, saw him out of the corner of my eye, felt his fingers touch my skin...I knew. I had never felt anything like that before...and I haven't felt it since. Things got hard, life got difficult...and still, almost three years later, I remember and dream of him in living color...
But he's not mine. And I am not his. Hmm. Guess I can lie here after all.
Not going to think about it. Or him. This is about me.
Why do I feel like what I want most of all - someone who likes the chocolate, the vanilla, and still is like "hey! let's go crazy and add some sprinkles to this bitch!" - is impossible...to meet twice? Is it because I've watched too many rom-coms, and am therefore absolutely certain he is on his way to me?
Maybe.
Maybe what is waiting for me is more than I can dream up.
That's a better thought.
Let's end with that.
Besos my loves.
-Asha
