Four months have gone by since my last blog...and there is so much to say, so much to tell...
But it's not what is foremost on my mind today. If you know anything at all about me by now, you know that I run with my emotions - I don't hide from them anymore. So today, as my intro 2011 blog, I'm going with the theme my mind is flowing with.
My heart is working overtime. Still healing, still smarting, still expanding. There are more people in it by the day, which is understandable.
But there are two who daily cause a ruckus. Rumbling around each other like two blind boxers. And in the middle - my heart. The prize, the spoils to the victor.
At this point you may be thinking that the two fighters are two suitors for my affections. The lion and an unknown contender.
You're wrong.
I'm one of the fighters.
The other...we already know him.
I find that being in this precarious position, I've gone into "fight-or-flight" mode. I'm finding myself wanting to catch the next train out of this place, to greener (and safer) pastures. Because love is a scary thing - especially the kind of love I'm feeling right now.
It would be that at this point in my life, when love is beginning to settle around me like dust, that old loves (read: habits) spring up, to taunt, to tease, to dare me to embrace the dark. Sometimes...it even smells like might-be love, but I know it's not true.
Love does not hide in the dark. It sparks within my chest and burns out through my skin. It does not hesitate - jumping in headlong into space before it realizes there's no safe, cushioned landing. It is not jealous, it's kind.
It leaves me breathless.
It allows itself to be named.
And, as my experience has taught me, sometimes it hurts like hell. Like being pulled apart from the middle.
I know I haven't said much here - unlike me. But fragmented is the most honest representation of how I am feeling right now, today.
I don't know who's going to win this...but here's hoping I get tired of fighting.
Love you.
-Asha
(song by Adele)
