For almost three years I've been aching to get back to North Carolina. I had a beautiful time there. I found myself. I fell in love. There's so much that happened while I was there that it would take more than just this little blog to tell you. I have literally been counting the days until I have Charlotte in my sights again...
But for the past two days?
It's weird. My doubts have come back full force. I no longer know how things are going to work out. I don't have faith that they will. I feel a whole lot of scared and alone and worried that I'm allowing myself to be made a fool of...
Why can't I just go with the flow on this? Relax and know that, no matter what happens, I'll be okay?
I'm still alive and kicking. So there's that. And maybe it will be difficult. And maybe he won't love me like he said he would. Maybe it will take forever to find a job. Maybe I won't be able to start school in the spring. Maybe I'll be alone for a while.
The sparse people I knew three years ago have had all that time to grow and change and settle into their lives - without me. So, really, why would they need me back in them?
Damn this is a negative post.
I think it's because I feel so negative. And naked. And unsure.
Every single thing I've wanted? Possible. It's all possible. And I'm scared to death of that.
Because just like everything could go wrong... What if it didn't? What would I do if, suddenly, for once in my life, everything went right?
What if I love the job enough to make a career? What if he asks me to be his wife? What if, this time next year, I'm planning my baby shower? What if I get a scholarship for school and become an awesome guidance counselor? What if I use my summers to travel and write novels and drink wine with my funny, sexy, creative husband who is not easily impressed but still thinks I'm amazing, and I love my life so much?
Ready or not. Change is coming to my life. I think it's my duty to ride out an meet it.
Besos.
L.
