Snow Day!!!!

Just me and my best girl, running in snow at midnight, leaving "I love you" messages for the universe ❤️. I did nothing tonight but talk to friends, wear pajamas, eat rocky road for dinner, watch "Jane the Virgin", and ask myself why I ever thought that, because things hadn't turned out the way I thought they would, I should tuck tail and head home.

Tonight I heard a joke that went something like "wanna make God laugh? Show him your 'plans'". 

I got it Big Guy. Just going to keep riding through, listening to my heart, and allowing myself to be blessed beautifully.

I love you. And also you ;).

Yours,

L. 

The gentleman

I don't  think I've ever met a real, honest-to-goodness gentleman. I've had men that swore they were, would open my door, pull out my chair, lend me a jacket if I was cold. But a real gentleman? A lover of women, a feminist? 

Nope. Never. 

I think I got used to being an object. Of desire, of affections, of pleasure.  I know that I'm a person and have many awesome qualities...but my experience has been that there are only a few qualities most men are really interested in. 

So, to come across an honest-to-goodness gentleman is, in my experience, like rounding a corner to find a unicorn. Awesome in dreams and romance novels, not realistic in the literal world.

Somehow, this man is. A real gentleman. I would say noble. Add self-aware. Flawed. Still suffering from a relationship that turned into relation-shit. Still able to wonder at my appearance in his life, and whether I will use my powers for good or for evil.

There has to be a reason my alter-ego goes by "Danger Darling"...

I understand his reticence. I smile, I laugh, I care, I want, I cook, I create, I sing, I educate, I inspire, I stand tall, I empathize, I embrace... I'm strong. I'm centered. I have an open mind and an elastic heart. Already, without preamble, I have found room in aforementioned heart to love this man.

Love is easy. Until it isn't. Until it hurts.

But I have had practice in this. I'm pretty sure I've earned a doctorate in "loving someone through and beyond the hurts, to the point where that love is engraved on my bones and I will never get it out".

I'm ok with having loved people previously. It does not mean that I couldn't love someone in the future.

Makes me a weird bird, I know. 

So now is the time for sharing secrets.

The first man I loved, I wondered if he would be the last man I loved...but I didn't give him my whole heart. Something had always bothered me, how my spirit had reared up on my wedding day, causing my feet to not listen to reason, my brain to shout "No! This is not the way! There are huge doubts here!" But I was young. I'd made a promise. And so I made another, and planned to keep it - even without my whole heart.

The second man I loved scared me, because he seemed to see something I couldn't see. It was like being the object of a lusting, and upon it's resolution, standing around wondering "ok now that we have that out of our systems and are no longer curious...want to try...being in a relationship?" There wasn't enough, even six years later, to make a lasting love life. Friend life maybe. But not love the way I needed to be loved.

The woman I loved was never to be mine, no matter how many times she came to me in tears. It was exhausting to be a place of refuge only, temporarily.

And then, for the Leo, I was a space filler. Someone to give their support, to fill time with, to pretend with... My ability to love him was definitely tested. I did try my best...

So now, today, what does it mean to love without trying. I hear and feel and see and know, and to KNOW without a doubt that you are in love....is a crazy and amazing thing.

I finally know what it means to be lovesick. Songs that talk about not being able to eat or sleep or tie your shoes or hear a song on the radio without being reminded of him... Now I understand.

I've known him for two weeks. I've known him my entire life. This is not our first lifetime together. I look forward to living the rest of my lifetimes waiting for him to show up. 

I may not know what he looks like, but my soul will know.

My soul knows. 

The fact that he is who he is... Makes the feelings sharper. I want every second. I want to love him every second for the rest of my days. Sometimes I feel like I won't have many, but now that my soul has seen him, this gentleman, it is demanding the right to love him for the rest of the time we have.

I have found that I can be pushy. I did not know this about myself, but damn my heart is all impatient and shit. I was attempting to make a point about living without regrets and said something to the effect of "what would you regret not doing today if I got hit by a bus tomorrow?" He looked me in the eyes and told me that that would kill him. And I saw in his eyes and his heart that he meant it. Shook us both. Maybe shook him more. 

Tonight has been one of tears and heartache. Revelations and softly spoken but honestly given "I love you"s. I have never felt so instantly right-side-up as when I put my cheek into his palm, or he kisses my forehead.

It's been five hours and I still smell him in my bedroom. So I'm ignoring the rest of the house because here is where I'm closest to him.

This love stuff is crazy. This love stuff is hard. This love stuff is a motherfucker. 

This love - THIS one in particular. Is worth  it.

Be blessed.

- L.

When love was easy

I think that, personally speaking, there comes a time in every relationship when love is easy. Depending on the person, this can last a few weeks, to months...I've never had anything go past months. Except in high school. But then that shit didn't really count. You're still in that "my parents make money so I don't have to" bubble, so love has to be easy.

I always do my deep thinking when I have alone time. Then I can take things apart, examine them piece by piece, subtract emotions and look at each one logically and truthfully.

And truth is, I loved that man.

Right now he is hurt. Maybe angry. Definitely not on speaking terms with me. Which makes me sadder than I like to admit. Does it make the fact that we were not good together any less true? No. And I believed that we could have been great together.

Scratch that.

We could have been epic together.

But if wishes were horses, everyone would ride. Isn't that how the saying goes?

I spent a lot of time wondering why this man I loved didn't look at me. I wondered if I was that unattractive that he couldn't see me, refused to introduce me to people in his life, barely agreed to time spent together that was not in one of our respective houses, in our respective beds. A woman begins to wonder and doubt. She begins to feel like she is alone in a relationship.

I felt alone. 

But I loved him. All of his quirks and frustrations. His teasing of me. The rare moments when he kissed me. And it was so rare.

A kiss.

We didn't tell each other that we loved each other. And that, after two years of being so incredibly unloved, that may have been the worst thing.

But I loved him. 

I loved him like breath.

I loved him like a thundercloud.

I loved him like the sound of wet rain on glass. Like steam in the shower. Like honey in your tea.

To feel all of this for someone who couldn't/didn't have time for/wouldn't show me affection? Probably makes me a little crazy.

And makes my current feelings a bit easier to understand. 

How could I not enjoy someone who spends so many silent minutes staring into my eyes and smiling like I'm a miracle?

How can I resist someone who cannot cease to touch me? Kiss me? The emotions from that alone make my eyes cross. I feel like I havent been touched in years.

Yes. My body has been molded. Entered. Used. But the rest of me? The small parts I felt must be insignificant? He touched my ankles and I wanted to propose. lol. That's a literal statement. I actually felt that.

So it's new. And it's easy. And I don't know how it will look when the new rubs off. But for now, I plan to enjoy without regret, what it feels like...

To be loved back.