Once Upon a Time...

...there lived in a faraway land named 305 a little girl named Asha. She loved Disney movies and fervently believed that one day her prince would come. As she got older and smarter, she began to wonder what the hell was taking him so long to find her. Was he lost? Side-tracked? Decided he was gay? Her patient waiting turned to frustration and her romantic heart got sick...very sick.

After years with no end of her waiting in sight, the little girl decided that, if Prince Charming wasn't coming to her - then fuck him and the horse he was probably riding in on. It was false bravado - she knew in her heart that without someone to love and be loved by, a part of her, a big part, would always feel incomplete...

Cut to present day. Little Asha is damn-near grown now, nearing her 30th birthday, and daily has to fight to hold onto the little hope she has. There is someone who brings sparkle to her life, but the timing isn't right... There was someone who loved her once but decided that they had to spread that love around to as many people as possible - why stick with just one flower when you're living in a garden of plenty? There was one who tricked her, gave her false hope, showed her something different...

For privacy's sake, let's call them the Hamster, the Lion, and the Snake.

Currently, the Hamster has her confused. What hate she had - and she must admit, after her ordeal there was a little bit of hate - has recently evaporated. She reminisces about the good times and feels the emptiness of her home more keenly then ever. Not looking for a redo or a "for old time's sake"... just wondering what it was about her that he couldn't love... Wondering if there is something she could change so that new love can enter her life.

The Snake got to her in a vulnerable moment - like Eve. Promised that by eating the Forbidden Fruit, she would gain valuable knowledge, freedom from set norms, release from her pedestal... But like the original serpent, he too was a liar, a false friend. The love words that had begun to rumble up from her stomach now lay as ashes on her tongue. Lesson learned.

But it is the Lion - her lion. The one who, like Aslan, is not a "tame" lion. He smiles and shakes his mane and roars and something answers inside of her. She doesn't know if they match, but she does know that there is truth in what she feels for him. The unknown is a scary place for her, and she tries her best to control that which cannot be forced, leaving her unsteady, unsure, scared...

But scared is not an end. Scared is simply an understandable reaction to something honest in a dishonest world. Not one word has she uttered false to him - a first for her. And her arms may have always been open, but her heart has never been cold. There is much she could tell him, about her first feelings - denied, hidden. Much she could say about her secret dreams.

Can someone look like a lion and be Prince Charming in disguise?

Hmmm....

Well, one thing is for sure. This story will definitely have a happy ending, one way or another...

For now that it is simply - to be continued. :)

Good night Beautiful People.

-Asha

Stick a fork in me...

I've been tossing around a lot of ideas for life changes the last few days, specifically trying to cement what exactly it is (who it is?) that I am done with. You know that feeling when you realize there are a lot of superfluous people in your life, you're not really sure how they all got there or what their role is, but you're starting to think they need to get the fuck out?

I was extremely happy about making new friends up here in Charlotte. Believe me, I miss my Miami friends, even the ones who don't live in Miami anymore, but being solamente up here in the Queen City was extra rough, especially after being abandoned...

But here's the thing. I know my heart can hold an infinite amount of love for these people. But it's been six months since my separation and I'm still having to retell the story to people who haven't contacted me in over a year but keep popping up into my life. Yeah I'm getting a divorce, no it doesn't make me warm and fuzzy, yes I still talk to him, no I don't need you to fly down there to bust any kneecaps, yes I'm sure, can we move on please?

Then there are those in my life, closer to me, who have begun to let me down a bit. I can feel the relationship changing, how it doesn't seem to fit as well anymore. Makes me nervous - I'm a lot stronger than I was six months ago, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to let those people go. What will I do without them? Am I ready to stand on my own two feet, stop clinging onto those hands and stride proudly into the unknown?

Big thing on my mind recently? Men. Damn them :). Because I know nothing about men, socializing, dating... kind of skipped all that, went straight for the "til death" business. I don't know how to flirt, how to score a date, how to know how long to wait until you get to the naked parts...cause I'm awfully partial to the naked parts. I'm exuding the confidence, but, apparently, also exuding the "Fuck off I'm taken" vibe.

But I'm not taken. Offered it - got denied. Free agent, at least in my head. Damn heart still feels otherwise, so I'm probably coming off as a tease of some sort. Flirty things come out of my mouth, unencumbered laughter, shit, I even wear the "single ladies" shoes... but when it comes to closing the deal, I stammer, act like I've got a big hulking boyfriend about to rush through the door, giggle, spaz out, and do an "Okay...well...bye!"

Sheesh.

This single shit is not for the faint of heart. Girls, I don't know how you do it.

Had a conversation with a guy (very nice, very taken so he was easy to talk to) who told me that I am a "relationship girl". Specifically, he said that someone like me shines extra bright with the right companion... I know that my peeps are telling me I need to be on my own for a while, learn me, take care and heal...but dammit I'm built a certain way and too much "me-time" makes me crazy.

I want to be in love.

I want to hear love words whispered in my ears. I want strong arms wrapped around me. I want to smile and feel like "yeah, I could take you in a fight, but this guy right here? He'd break your arms off if you tried anything.". I want to reach over in the middle of the night and put my cold feet on warm legs. I want to snuggle close. I want to cook him dinner, pour my heart into his plate and know that he recognizes the gift. I want to look over at him in a crowded room and smile over a shared private joke. I want to be pulled into the rain and kissed... I feel like I have all this love, gift-wrapped and waiting to be given away to the "right" man...but so far, I'm 0-2 here.

So I stand on the precipice, not knowing what will happen when I shoot myself over the edge, scared to death and impatient at the same time. I need to make room in my life (even though some days it feels like I have nothing BUT room) for whatever is being sent my way. Knock off the deadwood, strip myself to the new, and be ready for a fresh start - no baggage, no expectations.

As for the old, the useless, the people in my life who bring nothing but misery to the table, who, despite my best efforts, refuse to see what is right in front of their faces, to those who see the beauty but lack the courage to claim it - I'm sorry for you. I hurt for your loss. I break a little...

But I'm done.

Iri'ni.

-Asha

I am Changing...

There's nothing like a trip down memory lane to either make you nostalgic or make you want to kick your former self's ass... I've been going through a combo as people from my past have been popping up with the "Hey! How've you been? Remember when...?"

Been having some "yikes" moments over some of my antics. I am the first to admit to my nerdiness, my general awkwardness in social situations, that I will open my mouth to spout poetry and end up with something that sounds remotely like Klingon...lol. Sheesh - this is why I write. You've got spell check and the delete button. In real life, talking to people - not so much.

I actually had a new-old friend take it back to middle school for me. If you knew me in middle school, you're probably giggling right now. Remembering the thick coke-bottle glasses, hand-me-down clothes I tried desperately to make trendy, the stars in my eyes over just about every boy in school, the whoppers I told (like that I had a twin who went to a different school - and I actually pulled that one off for a few weeks!). Playing matchmaker, daydreaming in science class, singing in Prism choir, holding torrid affairs entirely in my head with various members of the Jazz Band...

Not exactly what this evolving woman wants to be reminded of.

I think this is part of the reason I chose to teach middle school - because I'm not too far from the awkward girl I was, tripping over herself, consistently mortified, still holding torrid affairs with various people completely in my head :). I understand the animal that a pre-teen is...and I understand how big of a difference it makes to know that, despite your awkward crazy hormone-driven madness, somebody still smiles for you every day.

I love all of my students - present-tense. I may not teach anymore, I may not always immediately remember their names when I see them - but I still love them all. And sometimes I think that is why I was good at what I did. My love was solid, constant. Yes I definitely wanted to strangle a couple of them, knock their heads together, shake them and say "do you realize what a spaz you are?" But the thing is...it never changed how I felt. I still feel it everytime I walk into an old school and see them. I still get the urge to want to teach them something.

When I drive out early to yoga class and I see kids waiting at the bus stop, I smile because I remember being like them. Especially on the first day of school. Nervous about everything. Excited. It was the reinvention, the anticipation of what and who I could create out of myself that year...

I think I brought this subject up because when I reminisce with old friends I think about who and what I am creating out of myself this year. When January 1st rolled around, I was by myself in my bathroom, all made up with nowhere to go, no one to kiss for the first time in over 12 years. I was uncertain about what exactly I was looking at, but I knew that everything was going to get different. Already I had felt a change in myself. I had stopped spending my nights crying out my loneliness. I looked in the mirror and I knew I wanted to save that girl. She was familiar to me... but I said to myself "This. Whatever this is, this sadness, this fear, this floundering feeling. This is NOT the end of your story. It's the beginning. Whatever becomes of you from here is of your own making...so cheer the fuck up."

Made the decision to move forward, to embrace my past but to keep it firmly there. Two days later, I cemented that decision with action. At the time I wasn't sure what exactly would be the casualty of my decision, but now that I know - it was worth it.

I love the girl I was. She may have been a spaz, but she had potential...even way back then. I can go even further back... first day of kindergarten. I was more intrigued then scared. I remember that even my mom looked a bit teary-eyed, along with the other random kids kicking and screaming about not wanting to go. What did I do?

Walked in (I was wearing a first-day of school dress, little white socks with lace on the edge, Mary Jane shoes), sat down at a desk quite primly, and crossed my legs like a lady. When I spoke to my kindergarten teacher years later, she still chuckled about what I said when she asked my name. Clear as you please "Miss Latoya Moore". And apparently I was looking around with a combination of fascination and disgust... even then. Even so very long ago I was able to create for myself exactly what I needed to progress.

I expect to make missteps. I expect to do the wrong thing. But I will be damned if I'm going to beat myself up over it. Especially as I feel I am on the right path...and every day I fall a little bit more in love with the girl I am becoming...

A change really will do you good. :)

Diakatra!!!
-Asha

M.I.A.....

When I was younger I had friends who would confide in me their deepest, darkest secrets. Things they didn't share with anybody, things they were sometimes too afraid to say out loud...and every time, every single time, I listened. Not because I had to, not because I was just being polite...but because I understood early on that this would be a part of my path. The Non-Judgmental Confessor if you will. :)

The fact is, there is nothing I have ever been told that made me love someone less. My heart may have hurt, I may have wanted to issue some warning, and I guarantee that I probably had the thought that I could save you from yourself... but every time I felt that way, I shook myself, checked that ego of mine.

I have never thought of myself as better than anyone else. I might take a different path if faced with a similar decision, but it doesn't mean I think I'm right. On the contrary, I am extremely aware that sometimes I lead myself astray, with my emotions, with my instincts, with my need to please... I've been known to paint myself into a corner a time or two. Then look up, realize I just screwed myself, and mutter "Oh Shit".

I think there has been a lot of postings on this blog bordering on TMI, but every word, every syllable, has been necessary for me. It is a place for me to both reign in my ego and "let 'er rip" as needed. One of the things I love about free speech is that forums like this can exist...

Which leads me to the reason for this blog. There is a woman I know - fascinating, inspiring, liberated, willing to hope in hopeless situations and full of love. There is nothing I wish for her more than pure bliss in her life... but not everyone feels that same way. For those horrible haters, she has chosen to extinguish a part of her light, to save hurt feelings, to crawl more into herself as us Cancer-girls are apt to do....

I hate that when I click to see her blog now its gone. That her words, honest, ballsy, brilliant, are missing. She is the one who gave me the courage to post my heart - regardless of consequences. I love you honey for that and so much more. You may be missing in action for today, but we are women fighting this war together - to live our most honest lives, to say "fuck the rules", to be open to passion and to destroy that damn limiting pedestal.

Today I am listening to Sade's "Soldier of Love" and missing my friend. And I am posting the lyrics for anyone, like me, like her, who are still in the trenches, trying to live their lives and embrace the love that comes into it.

Balls to the Walls.

-Asha

"Soldier of Love" - Sade

I've lost the use of my heart
But I'm still alive
Still looking for the life
The endless pool on the other side
It's a wild wild west
I'm doing my best

I'm at the borderline of my faith,
I'm at the hinterland of my devotion
In the frontline of this battle of mine
But I'm still alive

I'm a soldier of love.
Every day and night
I'm a soldier of love
All the days of my life

I've been torn up inside - oh
I've been left behind
So I ride
I have the will to survive

In the wild wild west
Trying my hardest
Doing my best
To stay alive

I am love's soldier!

I wait for the sound

I know that love will come
that love will come
Turn it all around

I'm a soldier of love.

Sunshine...

One of my favorite movies ever is The Wizard of Oz. Not because I have a thing for flying monkeys, tornados, and midgets mind you...excuse me, "little people". Gotta be PC. :) No, besides turning me into a shoe-whore for life, it was the wishes, the power of the wish, the hopeful optimism, the damn Courage with a capital C.

Trying to live my life like that can be...draining, honestly. Because there are people who suck all the hope out of a room just by entering it, people who refuse to believe in anything at all. I wonder if they even believe in themselves...at the very least.

It is not my purpose in life to be one of those hopeless people...but I have my less than hopeful moments. Between yesterday and today...had a lot of those. It made me angry first, spitting mad, wanting to fight something - anything really. But later, much later... I was just sad. So damn sad and disappointed. I talk big when I've got my mad on but in all honesty... it isn't in me to cause pain to someone I have wished happiness for over a decade...

I remember when I thought the sun rose and fell for him. He was my hero, my savior, he was my damn Batman :). I told him all the stuff I was too shy to tell anyone else, and he did the same. We had some awesome times together, just hanging out, being in the same space. Both of us awkward, trying to pretend we were grownups, whispering out of the corners of our mouths "Do you know what the fuck we're supposed to do?". The memory of that man makes me smile and I hope that one day he comes back...because I still wish him happiness.

But these days I have had to learn to be my own best friend, hero, savior. These days I'm the goddamn Batman (that one was for you D <3 ). And my wishes include those for my own happiness, in whatever form it takes, and the wisdom to be able to recognize it when it finally gets here.

The choice to be positive, to remember to say thank you for all that I have received, will receive, and will have the opportunity to give, some days its hard for me. But I am extra blessed - as the people in my life seem to know exactly when those times are, when I REALLY need to talk, or when I just need to sit near someone I love and breathe it in...

This morning I woke up unsettled. I felt like the expiration dates for so much in my life were quickly closing in. I felt a little like I was being slowly choked to death... so I did the positive thing. Got out of bed anyway, took a shower, headed to yoga.

Didn't get into yoga this morning - maybe I wasn't meant to. But when I got back into my car and turned the key in the ignition, there was only one person I could think of, one person I knew that - just by sitting close to them, breathing them in - I would get the strength I needed to meet the day.

He did me one better. He let me curl up on his red couch and left me alone for a bit, not crowding me, letting the tears fall that needed to, silently sending me strength and not asking for anything in return. I was having a "Flaws and All" day and he wasn't scared by my morning trainwreck :). I listened to him puttering around in the kitchen while I spoke to my ex and I thought "if even one person believes enough in your strength, in your capability to come out on top, anything - ANYTHING - can be possible".

So I hung up the phone, went upstairs, and took a shower - I felt like I was carrying two days of grime from the tears and the anger and the rage. And the water was cold. And I couldn't find the soap. And I slipped a little...but I was smiling. And when I opened my mouth - a love song spilled out.

So I believe in the hope still, in the "somewhere over the rainbow", in the "no place like home". I believe in the courage, the persistence of the heart to believe in anything. I believe that a girl like me still has good stuff in store for her life.

I believe in the damn sunshine... :)

Been a while since I have wished you peace Reader. Forgive me - I wish you peace and love and so very much more...

Ashtee!
-Asha

Hurt? Negro please....

Somewhere before last night's loveliness and this morning's rude awakening, some things became imminently clearer to me.

One? Fuck the bullshit. We know what really went down that led to this shit. You can tell yourself you did the noble thing if it helps you sleep at night - whatever, I don't care. Because you and I both know the real reasons we are through. And I have started on this path of truthfulness and I won't be protecting you anymore. Especially because you have started to believe the lies you are telling yourself and everyone else...

Second? You were right when you said you weren't worth the tears, the anger, the general despair I was thrown into, the shame I felt... you were so damn right. I can admit that much - but that's all you will get from me.

Third? This is your trainwreck - not mine. You fucked it up - this could have been so easy. But the hypocrisy, the late night text messages, the requests for sexy pictures, the apologies... it was in my heart to make this easy for you, even with my friends and family calling me every kind of fool. Did you forget I know where all the bodies are buried? I know the shit you pulled that could fuck up your future... I know that shit you are trying to pull now with me. :) Did you forget who the brains of the family was? I know shit I guarantee you don't think I know...so please don't try me.

Fourth? You were my friend before you were my man. I treated you like gold for 13 fucking years and I deserve more than the bullshit you've been feeding me since you found out on Saturday that I wasn't sitting around like a nun waiting for your ass... And I am not one bit sorry. Don't hate that I am evolving into something beautiful as you get grimier by the second - isn't that why she broke it off? Lack of honesty on your part? Still can't keep it in your pants for one girl at a time???

I feel like I am burning - literally on fire. But it isn't rage - more righteous indignation. I know why you said what you did this morning. You've done it to me for years, but you don't know the right buttons to push anymore. It made you powerful to see me cry, to bring me low, because you always knew I was meant for better. But I'm not crying now son. Not one fucking tear.

For my readers - I apologize for this rant. I apologize for the tmi. I tried - I really did try, but sometimes you have to put your business out there. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm not damn sorry. I am well-loved, respected, and admired... and very much through with the bullshit.

Moving forward - purposefully. No one is lost to me, and for that I am grateful. I love my sisters and brothers, my extended family, my adoptive grandma more than life. And even if they turn from me for this - I will always be there.

Guess I am continuing with this exorcism of mine :).

Let's keep it going!

-Asha

Danger...

There are two sides to me - the rational side and the irrational one. One seems to manifest more than the other during certain times of the month, and I usually can keep that in check. But things have been in upheaval for a while now, so irrational me has taken free reign...

What began as an honest opening of my heart is quickly becoming akin to sinking into quicksand. I actually dreamt about quicksand, maybe a couple of weeks before this all occurred. I had started thinking about the state of my romantic life, how it might be possible that it was stagnant because of my lack of cojones... I kept feeling like I wanted more than anything to reach out and instead I was sitting on my hands, battling with the fear.

And there is a lot of fear involved. Such a delicate situation... and through it I am starting to question my convictions. What kind of girl am I really? And, at this point in my evolution, am I really good for anyone?

Those are the thoughts that kept me up late last night, wondering what force was making me push so hard for some unknown response from someone who has already made their position clear. And the rational part of me both understands and respects that position...

That flip side of me though? She's dangerous... playing a dangerous game with her heart. Sometimes I split off and watch her - flirting, swaying, dreaming up impossible things. She throws herself into situations with abandon, with little or no regard for the fire she could get burned with. It's like she loves the fire, dancing closer and closer to it, regardless of how much it hurts.... I don't understand her really.

It worries me that I don't have control over her or this situation I'm in. I would say I am going with my instincts, but the truth is - I'm just going...hoping that somehow something will go right. I wonder both if I am losing myself or gaining more than I was...which outcome would be better. If I make this decision, will I be able to live with it?

My mind told me this morning - after a horrible bunch of worst-case scenario nightmares - to maybe lay off the blogging for a while... but I will never be ready for that close up of mine if, when it gets rough, when its too hard, too painful to look at, that I stop. The title for my blog has to do with my looking at myself under a lens, piece by piece, atom by atom, so that I can get a clearer picture of who I am. And right now, a lot of who I am is a whirlwind of feelings and emotions, both rational and irrational. Not always manifesting in sensical prose - sometimes coming off as a manic rant (see last blog :) ). But its honest. A very honest portrait of the woman I am becoming everyday...

I am capable of great love and undying loyalty. I am both extremely sensitive and protective of my heart. I send positive energies into the universe even as I feel the darkness edging into my soul... There are so many different contrasts to me that it would take an extremely special person to deal...

Not sure who the person will be, though I do know who I would like to take the job. Can't force it though, I have to remember that...

But hey, at least I warned you first :).

Believe.

-Asha

The Elephant in the Room, an Exorcism, and other Mad Randomness...

I think a lot about this "starting fresh" idea, where, in my current life, I am supposed to be starting from scratch, re-learning about myself, reconnecting with my ideas and hopes and dreams...

What I have realized is that change is hard when there is a 210lb elephant in the room. You can't hide it under the rug, push it into a junk drawer, shove it into the storage shed on your balcony...because eventually it will start to make noise, inevitably pissing you off.

I have tried very hard to be both reasonable and respectful of the upheaval in my life, but I have yet to gain control of my temper - especially when dealing with utter hypocrisy... I mean, you have a woman 100% devoted to you, you treat her dirty and abandon her, then someone else recognizes the gem you threw away and YOU get mad??? Sheesh - I always thought we women were hard to understand...

Then there is the other elephant in the room - the pink one. Hovering above our heads while we watch videos, me looking at you out of the corner of my eye, waiting for something - anything to happen, to prove that - yes I really did say it, and I meant what I said so for God's sake REACT!

I'm laughing at myself as I'm writing this, as I recognize situations I have placed myself in recently where there's been a darn elephant lurking around somewhere...

Really, it's not like a Voldemort situation, but it feels like it. I can say the words. Divorce. Love. Sex. Violence. How about this one: Rebound. That's the biggest one for me, because when I realized that it was love in my heart, making me feel all sparkley, everyone I told tried to tell me "girl, it's a rebound. You don't fall for the rebound!"

Too late. :) I never was one to follow the rules - at least pre-wedding. Then follows ten years of following all the rules, with no effect. Because its really hard to play a clean game of UNO with someone who doesn't know the rules, could give a fuck less about the rules, will play anyway they can as long as they come out on top, and by the way - can we change the name?

I used to avoid mirrors...and men...and fun for that matter. Because in my life, as much as I can call it my own, the number one spot was filled. Now, God is number one. Me - I'm number two. My family and friends share four and five - but I would really like to fill that number three spot.

Someone new in my life told me that I'm a "relationship girl", the kind of woman who needs a companion, because of my need to share and comfort, to make someone smile and feel special, to support, to hug, to dream with... I guess its okay that even in my current non-romantic relationships that is the role I take. I'm comfortable there - it feels right...

But at night when I'm alone and I am endlessly aware that my two-person bed has only one person in it, it hurts. A lot. This may have been the right choice, but it wasn't my choice. I hate that when I had every right to stand up for myself, I played the hopeful doormat instead. I hate that I cried so much...I hate that I felt three seconds of guilt for living my life fully...

Elephants...not my favorite animals. :)

So you could ask - then why do you drag one around with you everyday? Yes, my own personal elephant is mobile. Comes with me everywhere. Kind of looks like the me I used to be - docile, silent, colorless, like a ghost. She whispers to me...make sure you smile, make sure you shine, make sure you've made sure of everything, explored every possible consequence before you make a move, make sure you don't hurt any feelings, make sure you hold back a little so you don't get hurt, make sure that you're the first to walk away...

I hate that damn elephant. And all of the others that live in my apartment, that invade my life. In desperate need of an exorcism - somebody call a priest....

Love you guys -
Asha

Grateful...

The last two days have been somewhat stressful and deeply emotional for me. It is never easy to look at your past, to listen to it speak to you, to know without a doubt that there can be no future in it, especially not like this...

I almost had a damn emotional relapse because of it...but I have some wonderful people in my life. Who build me up instead of bringing me down. Who listen and don't judge. Who love the person I am too much to allow me to return to the shell of me I was. And when I needed them, for the past two days, every single one has come through for me.

One such beautiful person advised me to write down everything I am grateful for in my life. He told me that it would be great for my energy, and I know it would be great to have as a reminder, as I feel that my dark days have not yet ended.

I am grateful to be alive, as my life is a moving, changing, breathing thing. It is wonderful and every day I am blessed to wake up to it. My words when I first wake up and when I finally go to sleep are always "Thank you".

I am grateful that I did not give up on dreaming. There were times when, as a coping mechanism, I lived in my dreams, because it would always be exactly as I wanted there, full of love, interesting people, and I would be in control of my path. It is because of this that my waking life is so full right now. I decided that there is truth in my dreams, and that there is no reason why some of it should stay there - especially when so much is possible in my real life.

I am grateful for the women in my life. I thought for a while that I was all alone - then realized that I was isolating myself. These women took it upon themselves to pull me out of the prison I was making for myself, to show me love - the tough kind, the real kind. To push me out of my comfort zone, stand me in front of the mirror, and say "see? what's not to love about this? do you know how beautiful you are? what beauty you can bring to the world? what life has in store for you?" These women saved my life - literally.

I am grateful for the men in my life. No boys allowed in this club - only men. My father was the first person I told about my divorce, and I was so scared at the time I wanted to throw up. But if ever a man could gather his daughter into his arms via phone - he did that. For me. And I will love him forever for that. My brothers have been there. My guy friends have shown me that it is possible to respect, love, and cherish a woman, especially one like me. And when I waver - they hold me steady, and when I need them, they've proven their shoulders are strong enough.

I am grateful to both my counselor and my teacher. They have encouraged and nurtured my independence and inquiring nature. So that now I can go out by myself and have an amazing time, learning something new or reclaiming something old about myself. They helped me find the "blues in my left thigh" :).

I am grateful to my dog. Sounds funny, but late at night, when it was too late to call anyone and vent, she sat on my chest, head on her paws, and was so still I was sure she was listening. No matter how spacey I've been, how late her breakfast is, or whether there has been an extreme lack of cookies - she always has a smile and a kiss for me. And she attempts to give hugs...but her arms are a bit too short...

Now that I'm listing this, I find that I could probably go on forever. :) And that is a beautiful thing.

For now, though, I have the urge to go out and embrace the day.

I love you and if I haven't told you so - thank you.

Yours,
Asha

Possessed...

I think it was inevitable in this "new" life of mine that I would wake up one day a different person. Every decision I have made or had to accept has changed the dynamic of who I am. I've taken to thinking of it as having been painted in watercolor, soft, muted shades that look as if they have been bleached by the sun... and suddenly, becoming vividly alive, a Crayola explosion, shaped and formed in bold beautiful oils...

There are times when I question who that woman is, strutting down the steps of her apartment, sashaying up the grocery aisle, making eyes at the bag boy... I feel like I have "Trouble" stamped on my forehead. Some men are scared off by it (too much woman for them)... and others...

I remember watching a movie where the main character, formerly so very docile and boring (I think she was a librarian or something), woke up one morning possessed by the spirit of a love goddess... Truthfully, it was a pretty stupid movie. :) But for years I've remembered how she took off her glasses and shook out her hair and it was like BAM! Always wanted to do that to somebody. Just stop them in their tracks...

It was a bit scary to wake up feeling like a different person. I know its a combination of all the healing I've done, the leaps I've made, the risks I've taken. But I was scared that I would lose the essence of who I've been, the parts of me that I like the most...

Because even when I was unhappy with myself, I was proud of the woman I was. I'm a great friend, a great listener, and I won't judge you for anything. I'm only going to give advice when asked, if you need to vent at 3am I'm there, and I occasionally will bring cookies. I don't give fake hugs, if you need a safe space I can be that for you, and my love - it knows no bounds, no ends. I am capable of forgiveness, I can gauge the energy of a situation and act accordingly, and I still believe in romance.

I am not ashamed of anything I have done these past few months. Reaching out, being honest, living with open eyes and heart, accepting that there are fabulous people in my life and being so grateful to know them.

The woman I am is the woman I was in my mind for years. She loves people, loves to be in the midst of it all, she is spiritually awake and sexually aware. She believes in music and loves to laugh - finding it so much easier to laugh with a free heart.

This morning I had the pleasure of hearing from several people. All of whom hold a place in my current life - even the one who hurt me the most. But therein is proof of the constancy of my heart... he knows it, I know it, the universe knows it. Because we were friends first, and will always be friends... and I am so very happy about that.

The man who currently holds my heart is far away...on the road, doing his super-hero thing. And in my heart is the understanding that it may take years for us to come back to the middle, where we can be together, after I've grown some more, changed some more, when there is less fear. But it is solid. So it can wait patiently...

I am happy with the woman I am. Her confidence is not false. She draws strength from the universe and puts it into her smile. I sometimes catch her in the mirror and just grin (hello gorgeous). I can accept that there is beauty in me, and there are those who can see it...and those who can't. And I feel sorry for those people... because I fucking rock. :)

I wrote a poem when I was in high school, newly awakened to my own feminine powers, feeling like energy was coming into my body, up through my toes, shooting from the ends of my hair. I took the opportunity to read it when I was getting rid of some mementos from my past, and it was like hearing a song - my song.

I remember that the girl I was and the woman I am are not so very different. Like I have come full circle, back to myself, back to when I revelled in the magic of myself. Makes me want to toss my glasses and shake my hair out, watch my eyes light up and my lips curve, throw my head back and laugh....

Woman. Possessed.

-Asha

Woman Enough...

All day long I've been waiting...and waiting...and waiting...

Because when you put yourself out there, damn near naked, vulnerable and shit, you have to understand that, sometimes wires get crossed, sometimes the "signs" you are sure were there, were really just figments of an over-active imagination fed too many romance novels....

Sometimes you just want so much to be loved, to hear the love, feel the love, that you try and force the love... and you can't force love, anymore than you can snap your fingers to change the weather. :)

Not that I'm doubting what I feel mind you. Just trying to rein in the control freak in me, my ginormous ego that tells me I am the captain of my ship, and that it is through my own will that I can realize my dreams...

I had to remind myself not to be an anchor...to be the compass instead. Love is completely capable of driving itself, I don't need to play passenger-seat driver...

Plus, the waiting game isn't so bad. Okay, that's bullshit - I hate waiting with a passion. There's a part of me that thinks that if there is a line to get into heaven, I just might go the hell route - I hear there's no waiting :).

I have some wonderful girlfriends who sometimes need to remind me to not try to control my path... cause its leading me right where I need to go, and I will get there, wherever, whatever "there" is, exactly when I'm meant to.

So...maybe I was wrong to push. Maybe it was not the time or the place. I have no idea because, as of yet, no discussion has occurred. But if I was, wrong in any way, shape, or form, I can cop to that. No beating around the bush.

My bad. I'm woman enough to apologize...

(But I'm not gonna take it back :) ).

Always,
Asha

Ready...or Not

I have a multi-track mind. Things are always popping in and out of it, scenarios, perfect things I should have said, missed opportunities, regrets...and other happier things of course.

This past week has been about facing my demons - because its time for me to let them go, even if I'm not sure I'm ready to. My life is moving forward and will continue to do so, so no use dragging my feet, trying to delay the inevitable.

I keep thinking about my "Last Constant Heart" post, what I was feeling then as opposed to what I am feeling now. I woke up Wednesday morning extremely aware that, not only was I alive and kicking, but my heart was singing. Sure signs that I am much stronger, much more sure than I was then. There is someone in particular I have to thank for that, but as strong as I feel, as much as I feel, something is telling me that now is not the time...

Fuck it. Time that is. And hurt feelings and being the good girl and being told to take my time, to be careful, to be cautious. There is so much I want to do, I want to say, I want to tell the whole damn world... but I wonder how fair it is to say it here, on this blog, when I haven't had the cojones to say it in person.

My heart and my eyes are wide open. To all possibilities. And there are so many damn possibilities. Of how the conversation will go. Of the outcome. Will it be the way I dream it is, or will it burn up the carefully laid foundation that is still so very fragile?

I know that I tend to jump headlong into the fire before checking to make sure my underwear are fireproof :). And I kinda feel like this is that moment when you're a kid and you are trying to jump into double-dutch. Somebody's already there, jumping along at their own pace, doing their own thing, and really, you're not much more than an intrusion...but if you can time it just right, fall into their rhythm, and not step on the bloody rope - it could be fun. Amazing, exhilarating...

I told you that I have miracle days. When every time my phone rings, its someone I love on the other end. And that those words, love words, have power, even when its whispered, screamed, written...sent via text message.

You know who I'm talking to - I know you read my blog. And you scare me half-to-death. Your number pops up on my caller-id and I start hyperventilating. My palms sweat. My heart beats so loud I can hear it in my ears (it's him! it's him!). Guess I really can't hold water to save my life... :)

I still have the text. I have all the texts, from that very first one (except the one you made me promise to erase). When you told me I was special. That I was a great woman. When we spent all night asking three random questions of each other. When you asked if I needed anything and told me that you would always have my back...and on March 2nd. When you told me...and I wasn't ready to hear it. Having had it thrown back in my face so many damn times. Having heard the words from someone else, knowing that he was a liar, a cheat, and not worthy...

But I think you are. I didn't believe that I could come so far in such a small amount of time. But you, my heart, you are like a fever, like fire. And I'm jumping into it with both feet, not checking to see if my underwear are flame-proof. Because I know you love me D. You love me with every word, every look, every touch...

And I'm in love with you...ready or not.