The Gauntlet

One of my favorite movies is "First Knight" with Richard Gere. Now, if you know me, you have either dissolved into giggles or are shaking your head and saying "yep, that sounds just about right". The passion, the restraint, the romance - I'm a fan of it all. And, as I have taken this weekend to reflect on the love that was, the love that is, and the love that will be, I was reminded of something else from that movie...

Jordin Sparks took it upon herself to sing about love being a battlefield...and it resonated with me. I can truly say - and I'm sure you can agree - that being in love can sometimes feel akin to being a soldier in a war. You're in the trenches where there is action, suspense, you find yourself holding your breath, waiting for the next bomb to drop, rifle in hand, hoping you will have the chance to defend and protect yourself. I've always been of the mind that my defensiveness encompassed both me and the one I loved. But you know, sometimes the person you need to protect yourself from is the one you love. And therein lies the Gauntlet.

Created by someone who has taken the time to know you, your patterns, your weaknesses. To allow you to let your guard down, to lull you into a false sense of security...and then WHAM-O! And then you are left in the middle of the road, asking if anyone got the license plate of that truck...

I am speaking, of course, from very personal experience :).

I found myself in a situation where I literally had become exhausted. There seemed to be a neverending supply of hoops, dangerous ledges, insurmountable obstacles in this particular gauntlet. In truth, I was about to hop my happy ass off the damn thing, scream "Fuck you guys! I'm goin' home" a la Cartman from SouthPark. And right when I thought enough was enough...it stopped. No swinging objects, no thin, scary ledges, no hoops. Simple, honest, heartfelt.

I exhaled. Just like in that damn movie.

Shoulda known.

I guess I am wiser now, but I'll tell you, I was completely unprepared for the hit I took. Like a bus that dropped from a clear sky and knocked me on my ass. I broke. Completely, totally, and finally. It didn't matter how far I had come, how many foes I'd already defeated, how tired I already was, how much I deserved a break.

For a woman already scared to love, to have taken those itty bitty baby steps only to be confronted with the same old tired song, I'll tell you, it almost made me give up.

Once again, my constant heart was in danger.

That was several months ago. And my heart is locked back inside myself where I know she is safe. But I wonder, every day, especially today, if love is always like this. If you have to run the requisite amount of gauntlets in order to deserve the love you find, that is also deserving of you. It doesn't work if it isn't level. You're giving 110%, and he's...taking it.

That is just a sucky situation all around.

I'm honestly going to say that, while I believe in the kind of love you read about, there is a growing part of me that wonders if that kind of love is extinct. (And if not - where the fuck is it? Hello???)

Okay, I'm done with being all around dreary.

Because that last paragraph is the lie I tell myself whenever I fall down and scrape my knees running after this love thing. I don't know why I'm chasing it down, I sometimes feel like I should stop - but still I'm running.

Locked away as my heart is...deep down inside of me...I still believe.


Yours,
-Asha

For you - you know who you are

Especially for those who feel that love in any form, freely given, is a burden too heavy to bear,
those too scared and scarred to put themselves out there,
and for me. Because I didn't have the words... but Etta did.

Listen well.

-Asha

"I Don't Want It" - sung by Etta James, The Chess Box

I can't understand (I don't want it)
The way that you act (I don't want it)
You give me your love (I don't want it)
and then you take it all back (I don't want it)

I know everyone (I don't want it)
is somebody's fool yeah (I don't want it)
You broke my heart (I don't want it)
and every, every rule yeah (I don't want it)

Now if this is love (don't want it, don't want it)
that you're giving me (don't want it, don't want it)
Then uh-uh, I don't want it (don't want it, don't want it)
I don't want it (don't want it, don't want it)

Oh, ooh, I've been a fool (I don't want it)
In the biggest kind of way yeah (I don't want it)
To think that you could ever (I don't want it)
belong to me (I don't want it)

When I know (I don't want it)
I'm no closer to your heart (I don't want it)
Then the sky is right now (I don't want it)
to the sea (I don't want it)

Oh you come to me (I don't want it)
When things go wrong (I don't want it)
I'm just a shoulder (I don't want it)
For you to cry on (I don't want it)

You only want me (I don't want it)
Only when you need me (I don't want it)
And all I ever get (I don't want it)
Is just a little bit of sympathy! (I don't want it)

Now if this is love (don't want it, don't want it)
That you're giving me (don't want it, don't want it)
Uh-uh, uh-uh I don't want it (don't want it, don't want it)
I don't want it (don't want it, don't want it)

Life without love (I don't want it)
Is not what I see (I don't want it)
And I can get a smile (I don't want it)
From any stranger on the street (I don't want it)

Oh my love, I don't want it.


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