The Gilded Cage

A long time ago (ha, ha, hold a sec you'll get the joke) when I was married, one of the things I loved the most was the fact that my husband held my hand. When we walked in the mall, when we went out to dinner, when we were sitting in the movie theater pretending to pay attention to the screen. In fact, our last date, a little over a year ago and right before we seperated, we spent six days in a hotel, having dinner, dancing around the room, making out under the trees, and holding hands as we walked up and down the outdoor mall. It felt natural, despite the fact that we hadn't seen each other in over three months. But even then, up until that point, I still wanted to be wrapped up in him, smelling like his cologne, daydreaming about him smiling at me on the next pillow, washing my hair with his shampoo.

I wasn't a stalker. I just had a man who was not afraid to lay claim to what he considered his. Bad history aside, my ex never made me feel less his wife, most especially in public.

Since then, I've had the privilege of both observing and experiencing new relationships. My friends have, very kindly, begun to tell me that I have a type -- the wrong type. Emotionally unavailable men. And I am very much an emotionally available woman. Always have been. What has changed in the past twelve months, however, is my claim to my own independence. Eventually, I feel that I would like very much to "belong" to someone again. Sorry to my feminist friends, I know that's not very GirlPower of me. It's the truth though.

However...

While I wait for someone to come along who can handle all that I am (and, in my Foxy Cleopatra voice, "I'm a whole LOTTA woman!), I'm finding that I am not so comfortable dealing with men who want to cage me up, put restrictions on me, make me feel like I am being stuffed into a box.

Might be the "good girl, makes cookies, loves puppies, stars in her eyes, rom-com" me. Might be the "naughty, naughty, holy crap didn't know you got down like that, lemme get that on video" me. (lol)

Either way, whenever I feel that noose tightening, I rebel or I retreat, and that's no good for anybody. It happens at work, when I feel my boss is putting pressure on me to act, think, talk, produce, like other people with different life experiences and world views than me. When well-meaning male friends try to tell me about myself, like they've got it all figured out. When my privacy is compromised. When my requests for intimacy - not sex, intimacy - fall on very deaf ears...

When I feel like someone is trying to put me in a damn gilded cage, expecting me to submit, to relent, to bow down, just because its padded, and the food's good, and its kind of comfy - except when its not, and your bum hurts from the rock under the cushion, and the rich food sticks in your throat, refusing to go any further...

This morning - as the night is long gone now - I learned that no matter how beautiful, comfortable, wonderful it is, a cage is still a cage. And I decided that I will find a man who will want me as I am, who will understand how much better I am without the cage, who will listen, and act, and enjoy everything a free spirit like me can be...

Think. React. Love.
-Asha

My wish list...

During my journey this year I had the awesome opportunity to meet with a counselor/life coach, who advised me on ways to regain the hopefulness I thought I had lost. She was realistic, motherly, and when I broke down sobbing on her couch, confronted with the end of what I felt was a major part of my life, she took off her glasses, sat down next to me, and held me until I felt stronger.

She had me practice exercises, ones where I created the life I wanted in my head and then on paper, convinced myself that what I was asking for was not beyond my reach, and only then began to formulate a gameplan to achieve said "life".

Worked wonders for me in some situations, especially in getting me to move my ass and love myself better. :)

One exercise we spoke about but never got to see through was where I created for myself the type of love life I wanted, the type of man I could see myself marrying, raising a family with, building a life and a leaving a legacy beside. But then, back then, I wasn't ready to do so, to look at another man and know that, yes, I could give my whole heart to him, and feel no fear.

I think I'm ready now.

So here goes my love life wish list.

1. My love must understand how very important children are to me. Whether we have our own, adopt, foster, or just surround ourselves with honorary ones, this is something I plan to continue deep into my old age.

2. My love must dance with me. Pulled close, in an almost embrace, so that we can hear our hearts beating over the music. Not grinding, not shimmying, just moving...

3. My love must have a passion all their own. There is nothing more attractive to me than a man with both potential and passion. And he must encourage me in my own passions, so that we are together fulfilled.

4. He will understand my need to roam. I don't plan on letting anything or anyone tie me down to one spot without it being totally comfortable. My roots are portable - his need to be as well. And the kids can move around with us, until I no longer get "the itchy feet".

5. He will appreciate the kind of love I give. It's that old school love, the kind that lasts. It ensures that you will always have a friend in me, a confidant, a driver for the getaway car. It means that I will always want you safe, without tying you down. It means that I will occasionally put my cold feet on you at night. Cuddling is not an option - its a requirement. And your heart will always be safe with me.

6. He will be affectionate. PDA-haters be damned. If I want my lover to kiss me, or if I want to grab a handful of man-ass in front of a whole caravan of nuns and preschoolers, I'm gonna do it.

7. He will be a gentleman. Open doors, bring me coffee when I'm in full-on writer's mode, run me a bath when I've had a long day, and hold me close when I have a nightmare. He will ask what I like to eat, hold my hand or offer his arm, and smile at me when I'm across the room to make me blush.

8. He will understand that I am a woman of many passions and he may find himself on the top of that list - and he likes that. He expects to be dragged off into dark corners at Christmas parties so I can sneak a kiss (or something else *wink, wink*), takes his vitamins regularly, and is a bit of a rakeshell himself and quite creative.

9. He is a protector - like me. Knowing full well that even at 5'2" I would go to bat for him (because I'm spunky like that), he makes me feel both protected and safe. Trust is a must. I can love a man I don't trust, but in the end, that man won't hold my heart...

10. He will be understanding of my whimsical nature. Yes, I believe in mermaids and Atlantis. Yes I would like to go scouring for gold. Yes, its snowing outside and I am absolutely dancing around in it. Yes, I don't like broken cookies. Yes, I take two hour bubble baths. Yes, there is a fight bell on my bedroom wall. Yes, I have way too many kung-fu movies. Yes, I expect to hear Dave Matthew's "Crash into Me" played at our wedding. Yes, that is the Bat-signal tattooed on my ass. Yes, I do sometimes wear little boy undies (lol). Yes, that is my broadsword. Yes, I really do hate costumed creatures like Barney and Teletubbies and the Burger King. Yes, I expect a yearly sabbatical to Comic Con to be on our to-do list for the next few years. Yes, I am putting "forsaking all others" into our vows because I can live with it and so shall you. Yes, I can run in these heels. Yes, I give attack hugs. Yes, I believe in Happily Ever After....

You get my gist here.

So there's the beginning of my wish list. It's honest, like myself, and necessary. I'm not going to settle for half. I'm not going to "settle" at all. I fully believe there is a man out there with the ability to love me the way I need to be loved, who can rest assured that I will do the same for him - I believe in reciprocity ya'll.

Think I'm done with this bloggy. ;)

Love ya'll,

-Asha