Exit Interview

Cupid and Psyche

I've been a lover of Greek myth ever since the fourth grade, when I stumbled upon a tattered collection of the non-PG variety. There was love, lust, heroism, intrigue, murder...magic. For my young writer's heart, this was the way to build legend - by using the old as a guide for the new.

I never thought to have correlation between those same stories and my own life. 

I'm in love. Have been for months now. I didn't expect it to happen, certainly did not plan on it given my track record, but I can't deny that I wished love for myself. To have someone look at me as if I were maybe magic. To speak of long-term, life goals with me. To make me feel like I was invincible.

He even called me "goddess" a few times.

I allowed myself to fully experience that love in every second we spent together. And it was full-bodied and beautiful and felt blessed. When I sit and think about that, I still feel blessed...

Probably because I am in love.

Given that, I have to say that the biggest obstacle to that fully involved feeling is the lack of time and communication. This is not on my part. I think my reaching out teeters on the edge of stalkerdom. I wish that was an overstatement. But there is a part of me that is so desperate to not be forgotten, worried that the distance is a test that I cannot fail at, that somehow, by staying true and available, I will prove myself worthy...

It's the Cupid and Psyche connundrum. Even happy, blissfully in love, Psyche allowed outsiders to influence her, to test her faith... Though, in actuality, those outsiders did have a point. Why should she not be able to gaze upon her husband, to love him in the light? 

Cupid was a bit selfish in that. Which is why, in the end, I'm glad he came to his senses, and realized that all the tests, all the trials, could have been avoided with some good old-fashioned communication. 

So here I am. Desperately trying to communicate with the man I love so very much that my heart physically aches when I haven't seen or heard from him. I've tried to put my disappointment and doubt to the side, because, in my eyes, for him? I don't keep score of that. 

I just want him. I want to know that he wants me. I want to feel like we are together. I want to know that when we aren't, he wishes we were - that he misses me too. 

I want him to take a chance with me, to know that I would never hurt his heart - not for anything.

At this point, I can only wish...and write. And hope, that one day soon, he'll read this.

Be blessed - and believe that love exists for all of us. 

Even when and where we least expect it.

Xoxo,

L.

Counting Stars

I count the days, breaths, seconds

Until I lay eyes and hands and

Lips

On him again. 

I wonder at this patience I know

I wasn't born with

That doesn't seem quite natural

And doesn't seem foreign either.

It just is

The part of my heart that

Simmers

On low heat

Could wait forever

For him

Would wait 

I wonder if I'm counting stars

In a clear sky 

During the day

From indoors 

I wonder if he has forgotten me.

I hope he hasn't forgotten me.

I pray he will never forget about me.

Because

If he does

Then this simmer will be endless

A loop de loop of infinite grace

A piece of myself 

Always awaiting

Him.

Promise

Years after I wrote my blog piece about having a constant heart, I began to worry whether it was, in fact, still capable of being constant. Too much has happened to open my eyes and mind to relationship dynamics. Forays into open relationships, rule-breaking relationships, not-quite relationships, and relationships in name only had changed that. I found myself qualifying behaviors that I'd promised myself were non-negotiable in a relationship. Because we weren't talking, connecting, communicating, engaging in any intimacy both physical and verbal. I felt an emptiness inside my heart and a bit of panic in my head. Was commitment something I was even still capable of? Especially once I realized how many flavors of ice cream there were to choose from and enjoy - where of course ice cream is a metaphor.

Would I ever be happy with just the one flavor?

For a while it seemed like the answer was no. Even as I felt myself slowing down on the sowing of my wild oats, exploring my own sensuality in fun, safe, educational ways, I wondered if...well. Plainly speaking, I wondered if I'd fucked myself out of a chance at monogamy. 

It seemed boring. It seemed dangerous, which I know is ironic. The idea of monogamy had nothing to do with my desire for children - I had willing donors on speed-dial. 

But I felt...different. 

I started looking during my horrible summer, but, in my heart, I wasn't ready. I still had hope that things would turn around, my situationship would graduate to a relationship. Of course, I was fooling myself. And continued to do so for another four and a half months.

But when I felt that shift inside, with the new year and my new outlook? I asked myself "why not try again?"

So I did. And I met him. 

It's not a perfect situation, but who wants perfect anyway? That's not realistic, and we are real. Real people who connect in ways I never even thought to try to connect on before. I waver between bursting into flames and melting into oceans around him, at the thought of him.

I think neither of us was prepared for the other. Thinking we would have some fun, go out a bit more, maybe enjoy some company of the opposite sex without the seriousness...

But things got serious. Day one things got serious. Seven hours the first day, nearly twelve the second serious. All that conversation and I still find every new tidbit of information fascinating. I feel his touch on my skin weeks later, and still want more touching.

He talks to me the way I imagine Solomon spoke to the Queen of Sheba. As an equal, albeit a mysteriously enticing one. He makes me feel like I am sitting atop a golden throne, and he is kneeling before me in reverence, but still as a king.

How could I not fall in love with such a man?

And I didn't mean to. I just had no choice in the matter. However, to continue to love? That is a choice, one that I find is as easy as breathing for me.

He is so very easy to love. In his humility, without ego or an over abundance of machismo. He is a man who believes in the mighty power of the female, and that calls me to him like siren song.

We spoke, several weeks ago, about who we were to each other. It was on my lips to call him "king" even as he called me his lady. I could not contain my joy. And so I made him two promises. One out loud, that I would never leave him or hurt his heart.

I know what a hurt heart truly is. I would never want that for him, especially as my fault.

My second promise I made in my heart. To be constant and committed to him as we walk this journey.

It hasn't been easy, though more because of the time in between our seeing each other. No one has come near as a true temptation, because all that he is... I have never met anyone a quarter of what this man is. And because of that, my head and heart cannot be turned. Why would I trade a moment in mediocrity for the love of my lifetime?

I am not a fool. 

I've learned that it is possible for me to be monogamous. For me to keep my promises and to continue to love even when it's hard. Because that, my love, is the true test of a relationship.

I'm here. I want to be here - with you. I want to walk this path and see where it leads, because in my heart, there's already been talk of forever...

And, with you, I think my heart, mind, and spirit are finally on the right track.

Be blessed and know that I love you.

Yours,

L.

Today, and Always

When I woke my first thought was  of you

To me you're like a calla lily

Tall and strong and graceful

In all things

And you will always be my calla lily

Sister.

Out of all lilies, the only one I could love

Even if I didn't always understand it

Or you 

But I learned that we didn't have to be the same

To share love and understanding.

So I watch you blossom, in awe of you

Pride and not envy 

Joy and joyful

And remember that we may not be

The same

But we come from the same valley

Honeybees come and go

And when I reach across this green ocean

There you are - deep, royal purple

Like the queen you are

My calla lily

Sister.

Mariposa

You don't think that you've proven my faith just by being yourself. You don't see yourself as that big, or that important...

But if you could see into my heart or through my eyes, if you could feel what happens to my skin when I hear from you, or my mind when you cross it, you would know without a doubt what you are to me.

I will continue to walk this path without knowing it's destination. When I falter or stumble, I'll pray a bit more. This is a leap of faith, and I've never been strong enough to make one before. But I believe God is building me up into who I can be, and in doing so, I am learning to trust without equivocation, walk in faith and not by sight, and love with my heart all the way open.

I feel like I'm getting ready to blossom.

Can you feel it?

- L.

Grace

The past few weeks have been full of ups and downs and sideways emotions, with my alternating between feeling fully in command to feeling like I'm holding onto the hood of a speeding car in a McG tv series. 

In the living of it, I sometimes get a bit maudlin... Well if we are being honest, and I always try to be, I get depressed. It's difficult to climb back out, which is probably a bummer for the people around me who care enough to try to pull me out. 

But they stay. And they smile. They hold me up and remind me that there is sunshine in my life, even when things are dark.

They take me back to times when my life looked more than hopeless. And somehow, through grace or luck or the work of a surely weary guardian angel, I've survived.

When I finally come back to that, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for these beautiful people. They're my heroes, and most don't even know it. They make me get up every morning and try again. They make me believe that, in the end not only will the struggle have been worth it, but that happiness is possible in my future. And through their strength, I find my own.

So I wanted to say thank you to you. All of you. For supporting me, for believing in me, for loving me.

I love you too.

- L.

Corners of My Mind

I started a blog post a few nights ago because I was feeling an almost overwhelming amount of love for someone and I wanted to explain to them exactly why that is a miracle for me. I've been quite a tough nut to crack when it comes to love and trust and sharing myself with someone. The fact that I've begun to do that with this man, I thought, was probably a bit alarming for him. For me, it was something else.

I first "discovered" Nikka Costa when I was in eighth grade. It was completely by accident. Watching MTV's new videos, seeing this girl with a riotous amount of red hair slither on-stage in an Evel Knievl jumpsuit and make serious moves on a sparkly microphone perked my interest. Then she opened her mouth and I fell in love.

It was like having your heart burst out of your chest, landing on the floor, and breaking out into the most delicious songs. I felt exposed, raw, full of emotions - and I didn't understand what the fuck had happened to me. I just knew I wanted it to keep happening to me. 

Loving you is like that. An unexpected revelation. That took all my carefully created safeguards and walls and armor and all of the other metaphors for "take your love shit and shove it elsewhere" and pretty much laughed at it. Giggled really. I imagine it saying "oh you thought you were prepared? Honey you have no idea!" Then shaking it's head at me as if I were a very dull but adorable child.

That may not sound flattering.

But then again, I don't want to flatter you. I want to give you the truth.

And the truth is, I wasn't expecting you. And I wasn't expecting to feel so broken and so fixed at the same time. Love has me feeling a little bonkers. What do my kids say? Oh. I "have no chill" when it comes to you. My students are all "Ms! Is your boyfriend mean?" And I'm answering truthfully "no - he's wonderful!" And then it's "Ms! Are you in love" (cue adolescent giggling) to which I reply "oh yes."

Now occasionally when I stare off into space during class a student will say "Ms! Are you even listening?" And another will say "shut up dumbass, she's in love."

It's pretty funny to see the actual dialogue of this here. I've tried to see, looking through past blogs, notes, searching my memory, for any feelings I've had prior that come close to this.

I told you I've loved before. 

But this between you and I? 

This is a-whole-nother animal.

The thought of you... You smile at me sometimes almost bashfully, like you're wondering what planet I'm from. And you aren't sure if you want to worship me, marry me, or run from me. I know that I can be intense, but it intrigues me that my authentic self doesn't scare you - it moves you closer. 

And thinking of you and how much you move me, makes me feel invincible.

I want you to know that I hear music now and think of you. Fast, slow, happy, sad, every song is for you. 

So here are the lyrics for my favorite Nikka Costa song, which I started to listen to today and which put me into tears. I want to listen to it loud with the lights off, holding your hand with my head on your shoulder. So you know that I trust you with every part and piece and story and secret there is of me. And that you smile and kiss the crown of my head and pull me tighter.

Nikka Costa "Corners of My Mind"

Meet me in the stillness

Away from all this madness

I'll give you a piece of me

If you'll give me a moment

To let you into the corners of my mind

I looked into a stranger

And found my soul waiting there

It hit me like a siren

To see myself everywhere

And I saw that I knew him like the corners of my mind

And like every other soul

You feel the night come on hard and go slow

And life goes on and on and it goes

In the corners of my mine

So shed your skin for me

Let's pull back the covers

There's so much about ourselves

We're yet to discover

So won't you let me in to the corners of your mind

We pass on chance with our eyes to the ground

It only takes a minute to see what's around

But instead we choose to reside in the corners of our minds

So I stand before you now

Faulty but not broken

Fragile like the break of day

And sometimes sad like words unspoken

But I'll let you in

I'll let you in to the corners of my mind

And like every other soul

You feel the night come on hard and go slow

And life goes on and on and it goes

In the corners of my mind ❤️.

Yours,

L.