Work in Progress, evolve in Grace

I saw a quote on Pinterest the other night that I felt sums up the major issue of my last two relationships. The idea that a person must be perfectly and harmoniously complete before being an acceptable relationship partner. I've always felt this was bullshit. When are we not growing, changing, failing, recovering, doing, being? Even the most superficially set people are constantly striving for betterment. I have several people who I look up to, and none of them are at a place in their life where they are saying "you know what? I've fulfilled my destiny. I am a total and complete success in everything I've ever wanted to do. I no longer need to push and strive and grow because I've got it all down." 

Mainly because they aren't liars or completely obtuse about the journey that life is.

Most recently, my heart was hurt when the person I loved told me in many words that, while I was loved, I was not enough. It didn't matter that I have strength enough to do what is necessary even when it is hard. That I am resourceful, passionate, hopeful, driven. That I can be both a realist and an optimist. Extremely serious, and wonderfully playful. That I am a nurturer, I love big and deep, I am wildly open, expressive, and sensual. That I know how to commit - for life - with my whole heart. That I am more than just a good woman. That I have my partner's back, front, and sides. 

There is so much to me. And there will be so much more. I may be working on my dreams - a lot of dreams - and maybe I won't fulfill them all. But I understand that what is for me, will happen as I continue to strive. I know that in my soul. 

I hit bottom. I bounce back. Sometimes it takes longer than others, but it's true nonetheless. And who do you know is living a full life without ups and downs? I think that's impossible.

Anyway.

I believe that a person who truly loves someone will understand and adhere to the quote below. And if you can't, please, get the hell out of the way of someone who can.

Be blessed.

L.

It just keeps getting bigger

You make a choice for your life, to be fearless, to take a risk, to make a leap. Sometimes it's for you and your happy. Sometimes someone else is your motivation. In my case, it was both. When I left Charlotte in 2011, I knew that it was not what my heart wanted. Yes my job was crap. Yes my relationship was too - a lot of back and forth wishy-washy that was wreaking havoc on my heart. I needed to heal and I thought that running home was the best way for that to happen.

It wasn't. Good and bad happened when I returned. I still haven't quite recovered from it all. 

But when I started seriously planning to return, finally, after years of pining for Charlotte, there was someone motivating me when things got hard.

He told me that things would be better when we were in the same city. He told me he loved me, and would be with me through my struggle and my mess. He assured me that, broken as I was, he would not waver - that he would help me regain myself. He said he would make me his.

Words are nice. They're motivators. Especially when the person you'd committed to was refusing to love you at all. Wrapped in his frustration, inadequacies, and anger - he blocked me out of his life and his heart until I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was alone. It didn't mean I didn't love him. It just meant I knew that I wasn't going to be loved by him...

I used my time to try to heal my heart, forgive him, and plan my move.

Things did not magically fall into place, the closer this move came to fruition. I was terminated from my job on the last day of school. No warnings, no reason. I cried but I kept my head up because I knew I was coming to better. That I wouldn't be alone - and I definitely would be loved.

Then there was controversy with my apartment. Resulting in a solid plan becoming a shaky one. My friends held me up - reminding me that, once I got here, everything would be in place. Love was waiting for me. And, truly, what is stronger than love?

Indeed.

What is stronger than love.

Apparently, it's self-preservation. 

I know that my life right now is super-shitty. I don't have a steady job or stable income. I don't have a solid roof over my head and I'm traveling with the majority of my belongings in a car. I've eaten so much ramen I've given myself a stomach irritation, and yet, even that would be better than my current situation, knowing that I spent my last dollar on a sandwich four hours ago, it's Saturday, and I won't have any more money until hopefully Monday. I think I remember how to ignore my hunger.

And the love. The promised love that was absolutely positively waiting for me here and yes you can trust in that love because words can't express how much I love you and I want to be with you always and I miss you so much and it's so hard to be so far I wish we were closer so I could hold you and make you feel better because you are so beautiful and you belong to me say it you belong to me...

That has me feeling like I may be the side chick. 

Even my dog is gone.

There is no love, no marriage, no babies, no roof, no food, no hope...and I am trying to hold myself together.

But it's hard.

My heart hurts and it's hard and I wish it would stop being so damn hard. I was driving yesterday hoping for a miracle and heard way too many love songs. And I thought "I'm not a bad person. I help people at the expense of myself. I give shoulders to cry on and foot rubs to old ladies and kisses to babies and hugs to dogs. I build up children that I didn't give birth to. I give my last dime to help people because I could go without the sandwich for the night - but how many nights had it been for that guy begging out near the cemetery?"

I don't have any answers. I'm sure some of my friends are avoiding me right now because they don't like the sad vibes and they're worried my bad luck might rub off...

It's ok. I get it.

It wouldn't be in me to do, but then self preservation has never been something I put before being helpful. I don't know how. Maybe my brain is wired wrong.

I'm going to try to sleep soon so I can avoid thinking too much about what is going on. Not the healthiest of behaviors, but at least I won't feel this buzzing in my head.

Somebody send me some positive energy please.

L.