The year is coming to a close and I must say 2011 was chock full of life lessons. Most of which incorporated some form of my ass getting kicked. Read back, remember conversations we've had, remind yourself. "Oh yes, I remember! This happened...and then that other...and...well shit. You need a hug girl."
I was walking to the bus stop this morning after a nightmare of sorts. It wasn't scary "per se". More like a recap of what could happen if I allowed it to.
So I pretty much woke up patting myself, making sure all my parts were still attached, and then breathing a sigh of relief. Holy shit balls. None of that can happen.
So I walked down the street, eyes to the ground, mind on my dreams, and I nearly stepped on a heart on the sidewalk. I thought perhaps it was something I could pick up, and I definitely didn't want to kick it - that would be taking the metaphor too far...but I couldn't. It had fused into the cement and I couldn't get it free...ha. Okay. Got it.
Had a conversation yesterday with an older friend of mine. He tends to know a lot about everything - having lived a good 20 years longer than me. He told me that I need to straighten my shit out. "And for God's sake - stop just throwing your heart out there! You're giving me a headache!" I laughed...and then I went home and cried a bit. Fucker was right. Dammit.
I do want to love and be loved. I don't want to settle for less than I deserve. I deserve a hell of a lot. To be loved in the light, not the dark, not by those too scared of my intensity to love the all of me.
And yes there's a lot of me...and if you make it that far, far enough to see into this heart of mine you will be in for a surprise. My heart is like the lotus - an infinite amount of petals unfolding and unfurling and opening up to better.
I don't think I've met that person yet. I do tend to go with the "safe". The ones who will never reach that point. The ones too tied up in outside things to get too deep with me...
But I have to wonder what I'm waiting for. Given my track record, what I want for myself, I'm a bit behind.
I don't know what form love is coming for me in. I don't really care about the "form".
On my Countdown to Thirty bucket list - a grand love affair is towards the top of my list. And not this weak shit that has been coming my way...and not the kind that flashes hot and beautiful and then disappears, apologizing all the way. I want to feel all of that - every second of it.
In love? I am magnificent. In love - I believe wholeheartedly in everything. In love... I sing in the shower with an open heart.
So let's pry it up off the pavement. Let's stop walking over it.
Let's get this love-party going.
Yours,
-Asha
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Who am I to say...
It's a different thing to have your heart-broken by someone whose heart seems to be breaking along with you. There is fear - but then there was fear before, wasn't there? I remember looking over at you and thinking "okay Universe...wtf. Seriously wtf." It was like, by taking that leap with you, somehow, thru love, all my negativity got unblocked...along with all my bad luck...and finally all my bad dreams just poof disappeared.
That probably scared me more than anything. I felt this new me just burst forth out of my chest and I - wet, struggling for breath, suddenly thrust into this new-born, too bright world, could only stare about in bewilderment and cry...and cry...with fists balled up.
You will probably haunt me for the rest of my days.
I already see you in dreams, in crowds, in my everywhere.
And wow. Wow. Even today, even knowing the whys and wherefores, it may sound crazy but I am so damn GRATEFUL to have met you and have known you and have loved you - and still love you - even for the little time we had. Because that means that my constant heart can, occasionally, come out from its self-imposed exile. That I do remember how to love and I don't need anyone to teach me.
Falling for you was the most natural thing in the world. I loved you like breathing. I love you like breath.
I won't spend time defending my feelings to well-meaning people who refuse to understand.
I understand.
Your fear. Your need to protect - because I feel the same.
Which is why, when you asked me to, I opened my hands and let you go. I won't pretend there isn't hope in my heart for your return.
I just will not allow my love, the burden of it, to become just that. Something weighty, something too much for fragile shoulders and wounded souls...why would I do such a thing?
Compass. Not anchor. And lighthouse and safe harbor.
For you.
Always.
Rumi said it best. I will tattoo it on my heart and never forget:
The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere,
they're in each other all along.
Be blessed, and remember.
-Asha
(song by Hope)
That probably scared me more than anything. I felt this new me just burst forth out of my chest and I - wet, struggling for breath, suddenly thrust into this new-born, too bright world, could only stare about in bewilderment and cry...and cry...with fists balled up.
You will probably haunt me for the rest of my days.
I already see you in dreams, in crowds, in my everywhere.
And wow. Wow. Even today, even knowing the whys and wherefores, it may sound crazy but I am so damn GRATEFUL to have met you and have known you and have loved you - and still love you - even for the little time we had. Because that means that my constant heart can, occasionally, come out from its self-imposed exile. That I do remember how to love and I don't need anyone to teach me.
Falling for you was the most natural thing in the world. I loved you like breathing. I love you like breath.
I won't spend time defending my feelings to well-meaning people who refuse to understand.
I understand.
Your fear. Your need to protect - because I feel the same.
Which is why, when you asked me to, I opened my hands and let you go. I won't pretend there isn't hope in my heart for your return.
I just will not allow my love, the burden of it, to become just that. Something weighty, something too much for fragile shoulders and wounded souls...why would I do such a thing?
Compass. Not anchor. And lighthouse and safe harbor.
For you.
Always.
Rumi said it best. I will tattoo it on my heart and never forget:
The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere,
they're in each other all along.
Be blessed, and remember.
-Asha
(song by Hope)
Thursday, December 8, 2011
The Wondrous
Life is a funny thing, especially when I stop to take a look at mine. You get the opportunity to look at mistakes, stumblings, etc.,and to give yourself a good long talking to. Like "girl what the hell were you doing with your life? Seriously???"
I have to laugh at the way things work out sometimes...and then I have to begrudgingly acknowledge that those friends of mine who tell me to be patient, that things will get better, are always right. Dammit. Lol.
For the past month, I've been engaged in some kind of crazy love affair. Big L, not the little kind. If it was the little kind, I don't think it would haunt me as much as it does. Crazier still because I waver between waiting for it to burn out as quickly as it flamed on, and wondering if maybe, just maybe, this is what I've been waiting for my entire life.
I've loved before. I've been in love before. But never before have I felt an equality in feelings returned. Sometimes I find myself sitting around like "damn. This is dangerous." Because my heart, while afraid, seems to be moving forward anyway, ready or not.
It's a wonderful thing. To feel yourself filled to the top, nearly overflowing with feeling. And I am. I see it in my face when I look in the mirror, and I feel it in my hands when I pick up my paintbrushes...there is only one person I long to paint. Obsessed with my muse, I could fill a myriad canvasses with their beautiful parts, in an attempt to capture forever what I feel...
Hmm. Aren't I waxing poetic today. Ah well.
I've had almost my entire lover list contact me within the last two months...in fact, save one, every single entry has made contact. And I've taken a look at them all, a realistic look, and found them wanting...
How can you even begin to look backwards when everything you ever thought you could want, desired to have, is right in your face?
It's a beautiful thing. It's a private thing. It's a "shout it from the rooftops" thing. I find that I don't give a fuck who thinks what about it...
And how crazy is that? How wonderful is that? How blessed am I to find that my constant heart is not frozen away like I thought? So that, even if this newness does burn down and out, I will feel so grateful to have felt it at all...
Perhaps it really is better to have loved even knowing that, in the end, it may become lost.
For today, I choose to love - wholeheartedly.
Be blessed beautiful people.
Yours,
-Asha
I have to laugh at the way things work out sometimes...and then I have to begrudgingly acknowledge that those friends of mine who tell me to be patient, that things will get better, are always right. Dammit. Lol.
For the past month, I've been engaged in some kind of crazy love affair. Big L, not the little kind. If it was the little kind, I don't think it would haunt me as much as it does. Crazier still because I waver between waiting for it to burn out as quickly as it flamed on, and wondering if maybe, just maybe, this is what I've been waiting for my entire life.
I've loved before. I've been in love before. But never before have I felt an equality in feelings returned. Sometimes I find myself sitting around like "damn. This is dangerous." Because my heart, while afraid, seems to be moving forward anyway, ready or not.
It's a wonderful thing. To feel yourself filled to the top, nearly overflowing with feeling. And I am. I see it in my face when I look in the mirror, and I feel it in my hands when I pick up my paintbrushes...there is only one person I long to paint. Obsessed with my muse, I could fill a myriad canvasses with their beautiful parts, in an attempt to capture forever what I feel...
Hmm. Aren't I waxing poetic today. Ah well.
I've had almost my entire lover list contact me within the last two months...in fact, save one, every single entry has made contact. And I've taken a look at them all, a realistic look, and found them wanting...
How can you even begin to look backwards when everything you ever thought you could want, desired to have, is right in your face?
It's a beautiful thing. It's a private thing. It's a "shout it from the rooftops" thing. I find that I don't give a fuck who thinks what about it...
And how crazy is that? How wonderful is that? How blessed am I to find that my constant heart is not frozen away like I thought? So that, even if this newness does burn down and out, I will feel so grateful to have felt it at all...
Perhaps it really is better to have loved even knowing that, in the end, it may become lost.
For today, I choose to love - wholeheartedly.
Be blessed beautiful people.
Yours,
-Asha
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