A Long Walk

It's been almost 60 days since I saw you last

The quick but beautiful moment that made my born day

The small but deep kiss

How easily my hands found your skin like two things that belong together.

I listened to your voice and looked into your eyes and found myself just WISHING 

That the timing was about to be right for us.

But it's been almost sixty days. Nearly 30 since I heard from you last.

For those first few weeks every dream I had of you

Was vivid and alive

Breathtakingly hopeful.

My body readied in anticipation

Of the nation we would build together.

I let the love soften me.

I let it fill me.

I let it claim me.

And you disappeared.

It would be right if I got angry

If I said "fuck this bullshit" and moved on

If I stopped waiting and wishing.

But

Dammit. Dammit.

My heart will not hear my mind 

My heart will not hear logic or reason

My heart will not let go of this.

in any other circumstance I might applaud the tenacity.

But right now

Knowing that knowing you knocked my world right off its axis

Never to be the same again,

I realise, as maybe you do not, that you are an impossible act to follow.

No one has even come close.

No one will ever come close.

Not when it is your smile and your hands and your mouth that I look for in the day

And in the dark.

And not when I remember that I once thought I was happy - and then I met YOU and realised that my former state was a poor example of what happy could be...

Maybe I'm crazy.

Or maybe

Maybe I just know.

Xoxo,

L.

Don't let go love

It's a strange thing to be in love and in limbo. Especially when you are someone who feels her feelings so thoroughly. I feel every single one of mine, every day, and sometimes it makes me feel crazy. 

I love someone. So much, so deep, that no one else can touch it. When I am overcome with joy and beauty - I wish he was there to hold my hand and share it with me. To smile at me and secretly agree that such a moment should be felt between us. There is so much I don't know about my love, that he doesn't know about me, yet I still feel for him every day.

Some days I actively try to not think of him, close enough to see but not enough to touch, but those are the days when my mind and heart go directly to him, unbidden. I even tried to exorcise his presence, in an effort to do what he'd asked me to - to move on, to find someone who could actively show me the appreciation and love he wanted to but couldn't commit to.

You might as well have told me I was some fairy creature all this time, because my heart believed that just as much. Moving on from someone who has moved your heart, shaken you to your core in a way that had never happened before in your life? It is not possible. I tried. I still try.

Last week, I met a man who took one look at me, in wonder and disbelief, and he tried to hold my hand, move an answering response in me. I felt my hand begin to shake, to repel, even as I tried to be polite, tried to see if there could be a "maybe". I could almost feel the steel bands tighten around my heart as everything in me most definitively said No. It has happened again and again since I met my love. My heart will not be moved, even when I will it to do so.

So what can I do? When my mind strays to him a hundred times a day? When I feel the darkness pulling me down and deep and, without warning, he sends me a message, and I burst free, burning, full of light and life like a Phoenix from the ash?

He is my dragon. He is my heart. The love I feel is alive and a wild thing. I feel mad with trying to show him exactly this. I miss him.

He misses me.

Everything I have that was once his is like a brightly burning token of affection. I wear his necklace for protection of myself and my heart. I think of our very first kiss and how alive I felt, how safe, how fiery and amazing. Vibrating with the highest resonance, I just needed to touch him, harmonise with him. To find that what I'd always assumed was a discordant melody was, in fact a power chord, was so humbling to me.

I wanted to take him home, move him in, bring delight into his life forever. I was the quirky, playful, silly, beautiful hippie-flower child in his life, meant to open his heart and make him begin to wish for better, for more. The thrill I felt to my core when we lay together and he moved my hands with his, circling and uncircling my ring finger, kissing the place where a wedding ring should go, almost without a clue he was doing so, making it feel like a promise...

I cannot explain why I love him. 

Even now, as I lay here and do not know what's to come for us, I know that I love him. There is no other for me. I will say no other vows, make no other promises. 

There will be no more falling in love.

I'm already in love.

Dangerously, forever in love.

And all I can ask and pray is that he won't let go, not until we can really see what this is. What we could be. Why we were brought together, and why it feels so big.

Because, my love, this love? 

This love is everything.

Yours,

L.

So Much More

I'm stubborn.

I know this.

I don't let go easy.

So, if there comes a time when you find I

Am nowhere to be found

Please believe

I tried all I could.

When my past is

A list of lovers who

Overstayed their welcome

And made sure to drag me along on

Their way out,

You must wonder why

With all the silence

I still reach out for you.

It's simple.

You make the songs in my heart 

Sound all at the same time.

You make the stars behind my eyes

Shoot from my pores and my fingertips

You make me believe in

The kind of love I've always wished to have.

It's complicated.

Your words don't always match your actions.

I question whether I'm a fool 

On a daily basis

I wonder what will happen when you leave, because

I don't want to see you go.

It's a little thing

The hope I keep, that you smile

When you think of me

And that maybe

Maybe

Your soul aches a bit for me.

And it's everything

This love is everything

This growing and building

This moving and praying

This singing and writing

This - all this - it's everything.

Everything.

Absolutely everything.

And so much more.

I had a dream today

A mini-dream out of the multitudes, and in it I was asked a question. The question was simple: your heart has been hurt. What have you learned? 

It did not take more than a moment to respond. They say that every event that happens in your life is meant to teach you something.

I learned that I am worth more than I give away. What should return to me, in the way of love, is more than I have allowed myself to imagine.

I learned that I need to stop waiting for a specific "who", and instead wait for a specific "what".

The person I wait for is so full of passion for me there is no room for doubts and fears. The person I wait for is so sure, that no secret burden, no ugly scar, can turn them from me. The person I wait for was picked by God for me - and is eager to begin this journey.

It was a beautiful dream that allowed my breath to ease, my heart to calm, my mind to clear. The message was simple: keep walking your path, keep doing what you do, keep being your truest self, even when the world is hard. I am sending you a warrior.

I look forward to it.

Be blessed.

L.

Like a Star

It's been a crazy couple of weeks, especially as far as my love life goes. Few weeks ago I sent the man I love a message, ending things. We were in such a weird place and the communication had become zero. I felt my depression building to match the ache in my heart. Did I want to be without him? No. Did I want to sit around and hope he would reach out? No, but I had done so anyway. He means too much.

A friend of mine finally got tired of hearing me try to piece the situation together. "A man doesn't hide from you, especially a man that loves you. And you deserve love and to be happy!"

She wasn't wrong. I was decidedly unhappy, although that had more to do with the loss and the ache than the man himself. When an opportunity came to connect with an old friend, she encouraged me to take it, if for nothing more than to have someone around so I wasn't lonely.

Met up with old friend. Talked, ate great food, marvelled at majestic mountains, strolled through the city square under the stars - and when the move was made, I couldn't look at the poor guy. I felt horrible. The entire time I wanted my love with me, holding my hand, whispering things to me, pulling me in to be kissed, sharing my feelings, dancing barefoot with me on the grass. My heart, very firmly, said "No."

As I drove back home, I could feel the darkness surround me. The idea of getting used to being alone again after having my hopes so high seemed too daunting. I felt no small degree of panic.

Sometimes the universe can be cruel in its timing, as that was when my ex reached out. The lion. The one who's made me feel unworthy. The one who has had four separate opportunities to break my heart, and has taken every one. I was not prepared to deal with that, and said as much.

Instead of backing down, he whipped out the "L. Marie Playbook" and began pressing all of the buttons. I felt my defenses wavering if only because the idea of loneliness looming was horrifying to me. I let him come by. I cooked him dinner. I watched as he sat on my couch, talking comics and texting on his phone and asked myself "how is this better than being alone?"

It wasn't. When your heart belongs elsewhere, there's nothing you can do to redirect it. It was like having a clear night sky with no stars at all. A waste of time. My energy lagged and I began to pray in earnest for a sign of what my next step should be, whether I should just resign myself to loving "the one who got away" every day for the rest of my life...

I will admit that I gave up hope. 

And when I did - my love reached out to me.

It felt like I'd relegated my life to one without colour, to having nothing but dark and cold nights. I couldn't get my motor running, I couldn't find the light. And then he reached out and everything went fiery and red.

I am confused. I am hurt. I am so in love I can't think of anything else. And I don't know if, in the end, it will mean anything at all.

But I have a feeling, a hope, a wish...that maybe, just maybe, there will be a star tonight. 

Be blessed.

L.

The path to forgiveness...or at least understanding

Sometimes when there is an A and a B, it might be time to step back and make yourself, your happiness, your wellbeing, and the following of your own path the option C. Even then, it might be the hardest choice, as walking your path is not for the faint-hearted....doesn't mean it's the wrong choice.

As for A and B....well, they might have to suck it for a bit.

As an aside...I felt like this for months:

But I wasn't believed. So now I say:

And that, dear ones, must be enough for now.

Be blessed.

L.

Stepping Back

That's what I am doing right now. I don't know if it's the healthiest thing or the right thing. I do know that my heart is not even ready to think about healing. So now it becomes making a new habit, to forgive myself, every day, for any failures I have during the day, so that I rebuild my sense of worth. Once I've done that, then I can start working on my heart. And after that...who knows? But I can recognise that I have been mean to myself for weeks, sure that an errant thought or text or expression of love was the cause behind the abandonment. But even if it was, it's no excuse. Especially when I was here. To explain, to apologise, to make amends. But now all I can do is wish him well and love and put my heart to the side. It hurts like hell. But if it didn't, I would worry that it wasn't as big as I know it was.

C'est la vie.

Je t'aime.

Xoxo,

L.

All I see is Blue

I used to have a rainbow of colours

That sprouted from my fingertips

And toes and the ends of my

Hair

At just the thought of being

In love.

It was the most overwhelming

Centering

Cooling

Calming thing to happen to me.

Perfect balance

Achieved.

I wondered that is every accepted one

Or two colours before.

How do you have a rainbow with

Just two colours?

Like a blind man I

Didn't know what I was 

Missing.

Now I'm missing you

Like a phantom limb

I can convince myself that you are

Still here

That I can feel you

Still here

Until I wake up.

And remember.

I used to be able to see all the colours

Reds and greens, golds and violets,

Vividness of the everyday

Beauty of the mundane

And I was endlessly entranced

And mystified by it.

But now

Now

All I see is

Blue.

Exit Interview

Cupid and Psyche

I've been a lover of Greek myth ever since the fourth grade, when I stumbled upon a tattered collection of the non-PG variety. There was love, lust, heroism, intrigue, murder...magic. For my young writer's heart, this was the way to build legend - by using the old as a guide for the new.

I never thought to have correlation between those same stories and my own life. 

I'm in love. Have been for months now. I didn't expect it to happen, certainly did not plan on it given my track record, but I can't deny that I wished love for myself. To have someone look at me as if I were maybe magic. To speak of long-term, life goals with me. To make me feel like I was invincible.

He even called me "goddess" a few times.

I allowed myself to fully experience that love in every second we spent together. And it was full-bodied and beautiful and felt blessed. When I sit and think about that, I still feel blessed...

Probably because I am in love.

Given that, I have to say that the biggest obstacle to that fully involved feeling is the lack of time and communication. This is not on my part. I think my reaching out teeters on the edge of stalkerdom. I wish that was an overstatement. But there is a part of me that is so desperate to not be forgotten, worried that the distance is a test that I cannot fail at, that somehow, by staying true and available, I will prove myself worthy...

It's the Cupid and Psyche connundrum. Even happy, blissfully in love, Psyche allowed outsiders to influence her, to test her faith... Though, in actuality, those outsiders did have a point. Why should she not be able to gaze upon her husband, to love him in the light? 

Cupid was a bit selfish in that. Which is why, in the end, I'm glad he came to his senses, and realized that all the tests, all the trials, could have been avoided with some good old-fashioned communication. 

So here I am. Desperately trying to communicate with the man I love so very much that my heart physically aches when I haven't seen or heard from him. I've tried to put my disappointment and doubt to the side, because, in my eyes, for him? I don't keep score of that. 

I just want him. I want to know that he wants me. I want to feel like we are together. I want to know that when we aren't, he wishes we were - that he misses me too. 

I want him to take a chance with me, to know that I would never hurt his heart - not for anything.

At this point, I can only wish...and write. And hope, that one day soon, he'll read this.

Be blessed - and believe that love exists for all of us. 

Even when and where we least expect it.

Xoxo,

L.

Counting Stars

I count the days, breaths, seconds

Until I lay eyes and hands and

Lips

On him again. 

I wonder at this patience I know

I wasn't born with

That doesn't seem quite natural

And doesn't seem foreign either.

It just is

The part of my heart that

Simmers

On low heat

Could wait forever

For him

Would wait 

I wonder if I'm counting stars

In a clear sky 

During the day

From indoors 

I wonder if he has forgotten me.

I hope he hasn't forgotten me.

I pray he will never forget about me.

Because

If he does

Then this simmer will be endless

A loop de loop of infinite grace

A piece of myself 

Always awaiting

Him.

Promise

Years after I wrote my blog piece about having a constant heart, I began to worry whether it was, in fact, still capable of being constant. Too much has happened to open my eyes and mind to relationship dynamics. Forays into open relationships, rule-breaking relationships, not-quite relationships, and relationships in name only had changed that. I found myself qualifying behaviors that I'd promised myself were non-negotiable in a relationship. Because we weren't talking, connecting, communicating, engaging in any intimacy both physical and verbal. I felt an emptiness inside my heart and a bit of panic in my head. Was commitment something I was even still capable of? Especially once I realized how many flavors of ice cream there were to choose from and enjoy - where of course ice cream is a metaphor.

Would I ever be happy with just the one flavor?

For a while it seemed like the answer was no. Even as I felt myself slowing down on the sowing of my wild oats, exploring my own sensuality in fun, safe, educational ways, I wondered if...well. Plainly speaking, I wondered if I'd fucked myself out of a chance at monogamy. 

It seemed boring. It seemed dangerous, which I know is ironic. The idea of monogamy had nothing to do with my desire for children - I had willing donors on speed-dial. 

But I felt...different. 

I started looking during my horrible summer, but, in my heart, I wasn't ready. I still had hope that things would turn around, my situationship would graduate to a relationship. Of course, I was fooling myself. And continued to do so for another four and a half months.

But when I felt that shift inside, with the new year and my new outlook? I asked myself "why not try again?"

So I did. And I met him. 

It's not a perfect situation, but who wants perfect anyway? That's not realistic, and we are real. Real people who connect in ways I never even thought to try to connect on before. I waver between bursting into flames and melting into oceans around him, at the thought of him.

I think neither of us was prepared for the other. Thinking we would have some fun, go out a bit more, maybe enjoy some company of the opposite sex without the seriousness...

But things got serious. Day one things got serious. Seven hours the first day, nearly twelve the second serious. All that conversation and I still find every new tidbit of information fascinating. I feel his touch on my skin weeks later, and still want more touching.

He talks to me the way I imagine Solomon spoke to the Queen of Sheba. As an equal, albeit a mysteriously enticing one. He makes me feel like I am sitting atop a golden throne, and he is kneeling before me in reverence, but still as a king.

How could I not fall in love with such a man?

And I didn't mean to. I just had no choice in the matter. However, to continue to love? That is a choice, one that I find is as easy as breathing for me.

He is so very easy to love. In his humility, without ego or an over abundance of machismo. He is a man who believes in the mighty power of the female, and that calls me to him like siren song.

We spoke, several weeks ago, about who we were to each other. It was on my lips to call him "king" even as he called me his lady. I could not contain my joy. And so I made him two promises. One out loud, that I would never leave him or hurt his heart.

I know what a hurt heart truly is. I would never want that for him, especially as my fault.

My second promise I made in my heart. To be constant and committed to him as we walk this journey.

It hasn't been easy, though more because of the time in between our seeing each other. No one has come near as a true temptation, because all that he is... I have never met anyone a quarter of what this man is. And because of that, my head and heart cannot be turned. Why would I trade a moment in mediocrity for the love of my lifetime?

I am not a fool. 

I've learned that it is possible for me to be monogamous. For me to keep my promises and to continue to love even when it's hard. Because that, my love, is the true test of a relationship.

I'm here. I want to be here - with you. I want to walk this path and see where it leads, because in my heart, there's already been talk of forever...

And, with you, I think my heart, mind, and spirit are finally on the right track.

Be blessed and know that I love you.

Yours,

L.

Today, and Always

When I woke my first thought was  of you

To me you're like a calla lily

Tall and strong and graceful

In all things

And you will always be my calla lily

Sister.

Out of all lilies, the only one I could love

Even if I didn't always understand it

Or you 

But I learned that we didn't have to be the same

To share love and understanding.

So I watch you blossom, in awe of you

Pride and not envy 

Joy and joyful

And remember that we may not be

The same

But we come from the same valley

Honeybees come and go

And when I reach across this green ocean

There you are - deep, royal purple

Like the queen you are

My calla lily

Sister.

Mariposa

You don't think that you've proven my faith just by being yourself. You don't see yourself as that big, or that important...

But if you could see into my heart or through my eyes, if you could feel what happens to my skin when I hear from you, or my mind when you cross it, you would know without a doubt what you are to me.

I will continue to walk this path without knowing it's destination. When I falter or stumble, I'll pray a bit more. This is a leap of faith, and I've never been strong enough to make one before. But I believe God is building me up into who I can be, and in doing so, I am learning to trust without equivocation, walk in faith and not by sight, and love with my heart all the way open.

I feel like I'm getting ready to blossom.

Can you feel it?

- L.

Grace

The past few weeks have been full of ups and downs and sideways emotions, with my alternating between feeling fully in command to feeling like I'm holding onto the hood of a speeding car in a McG tv series. 

In the living of it, I sometimes get a bit maudlin... Well if we are being honest, and I always try to be, I get depressed. It's difficult to climb back out, which is probably a bummer for the people around me who care enough to try to pull me out. 

But they stay. And they smile. They hold me up and remind me that there is sunshine in my life, even when things are dark.

They take me back to times when my life looked more than hopeless. And somehow, through grace or luck or the work of a surely weary guardian angel, I've survived.

When I finally come back to that, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for these beautiful people. They're my heroes, and most don't even know it. They make me get up every morning and try again. They make me believe that, in the end not only will the struggle have been worth it, but that happiness is possible in my future. And through their strength, I find my own.

So I wanted to say thank you to you. All of you. For supporting me, for believing in me, for loving me.

I love you too.

- L.

Corners of My Mind

I started a blog post a few nights ago because I was feeling an almost overwhelming amount of love for someone and I wanted to explain to them exactly why that is a miracle for me. I've been quite a tough nut to crack when it comes to love and trust and sharing myself with someone. The fact that I've begun to do that with this man, I thought, was probably a bit alarming for him. For me, it was something else.

I first "discovered" Nikka Costa when I was in eighth grade. It was completely by accident. Watching MTV's new videos, seeing this girl with a riotous amount of red hair slither on-stage in an Evel Knievl jumpsuit and make serious moves on a sparkly microphone perked my interest. Then she opened her mouth and I fell in love.

It was like having your heart burst out of your chest, landing on the floor, and breaking out into the most delicious songs. I felt exposed, raw, full of emotions - and I didn't understand what the fuck had happened to me. I just knew I wanted it to keep happening to me. 

Loving you is like that. An unexpected revelation. That took all my carefully created safeguards and walls and armor and all of the other metaphors for "take your love shit and shove it elsewhere" and pretty much laughed at it. Giggled really. I imagine it saying "oh you thought you were prepared? Honey you have no idea!" Then shaking it's head at me as if I were a very dull but adorable child.

That may not sound flattering.

But then again, I don't want to flatter you. I want to give you the truth.

And the truth is, I wasn't expecting you. And I wasn't expecting to feel so broken and so fixed at the same time. Love has me feeling a little bonkers. What do my kids say? Oh. I "have no chill" when it comes to you. My students are all "Ms! Is your boyfriend mean?" And I'm answering truthfully "no - he's wonderful!" And then it's "Ms! Are you in love" (cue adolescent giggling) to which I reply "oh yes."

Now occasionally when I stare off into space during class a student will say "Ms! Are you even listening?" And another will say "shut up dumbass, she's in love."

It's pretty funny to see the actual dialogue of this here. I've tried to see, looking through past blogs, notes, searching my memory, for any feelings I've had prior that come close to this.

I told you I've loved before. 

But this between you and I? 

This is a-whole-nother animal.

The thought of you... You smile at me sometimes almost bashfully, like you're wondering what planet I'm from. And you aren't sure if you want to worship me, marry me, or run from me. I know that I can be intense, but it intrigues me that my authentic self doesn't scare you - it moves you closer. 

And thinking of you and how much you move me, makes me feel invincible.

I want you to know that I hear music now and think of you. Fast, slow, happy, sad, every song is for you. 

So here are the lyrics for my favorite Nikka Costa song, which I started to listen to today and which put me into tears. I want to listen to it loud with the lights off, holding your hand with my head on your shoulder. So you know that I trust you with every part and piece and story and secret there is of me. And that you smile and kiss the crown of my head and pull me tighter.

Nikka Costa "Corners of My Mind"

Meet me in the stillness

Away from all this madness

I'll give you a piece of me

If you'll give me a moment

To let you into the corners of my mind

I looked into a stranger

And found my soul waiting there

It hit me like a siren

To see myself everywhere

And I saw that I knew him like the corners of my mind

And like every other soul

You feel the night come on hard and go slow

And life goes on and on and it goes

In the corners of my mine

So shed your skin for me

Let's pull back the covers

There's so much about ourselves

We're yet to discover

So won't you let me in to the corners of your mind

We pass on chance with our eyes to the ground

It only takes a minute to see what's around

But instead we choose to reside in the corners of our minds

So I stand before you now

Faulty but not broken

Fragile like the break of day

And sometimes sad like words unspoken

But I'll let you in

I'll let you in to the corners of my mind

And like every other soul

You feel the night come on hard and go slow

And life goes on and on and it goes

In the corners of my mind ❤️.

Yours,

L.

Butter baby

I want to slide my hands

Across your skin

Building mountains within

The sinews of your flesh.

I want to crawl beneath

The caverns of your chest

And hear the thunderous

Crash of your heart.

I want to stir the wind

That dances through your hair

Whistling and laughing

About your thoughts.

I want to mold the landscape

From your crown to your toes

With precious oils and cocoa butter

Until we smell the same.

L.

Not like a Rom-Com

It's been nearly two months since I found myself swept up in the first throes of love. Learned a lot of things that I am going to try to voice here. Let's see how accurate I can be, as we know I can sometimes use too many words.

When I decided on New Year's Eve that this would be the year for me to find love, I put myself completely into the universe's hands. I didn't put any qualifications on the form this love would come in, because that has never been important to me. 

What was important to me was that this be a love I could feel head to toe, skin to soul. I wasn't looking for superficial or to settle. I wanted it all.

Of course, the universe always has its own plans, which usually culminate in a celestial foot kicking over the Jenga-game that is your life, shouting "Fuck Yo Plans".

(Sidebar: if that game isn't a near-perfect metaphor for life, I don't know what is.)

So the Universe decided that sending me love, a final kind of love, a heart-stopping, love-song singing, body-grooving, soul-growing kind of love, out of the damn blue, would be a perfect present.

And I am so very grateful.

Even though I don't know where I stand in the relationship.

To have someone tell you they love you, pretty much answering your prayers in the process, and simultaneously tell you that you need to move on from them...it's a bit of a mind fuck. My heart was all "I want to dance!!!!" And my brain was like "wait, what?"

I'm still dizzy. Maybe a bit manic. Absolutely, positively crazy. Because I've spent the time since that fateful message, sending texts and poems and some e-cards, and Pablo Neruda quotes, and pictures, and voicemails, and videos, to try to get him to open back up.

It doesn't matter that the response has been nearly nothing. That's not the point.

The point, dear reader, is that love isn't the way they show it in the movies. Yes, you might have the archetypical "meet-cute", bumbling into each other's lives by cosmic happenstance. And you might actually FEEL your heart go "sigh! There he is!" (Insert heart-eyed emoticon). You might find that all the songs you hear and ever heard about love seem to ring eerily true. You might find yourself scribbling his name next to yours all over notebooks and giggling profusely whenever anything reminds you of your beloved...

But, in real life, even with all of that, you have to face the reality of what it means to be in a relationship. You may find that the sheer size of your love may send someone skittering to their safe space, far away from you. You may start to wonder if you are in fact a crazy person, running behind someone who is in no hurry to be caught...

Then you remember the moments. The beautiful moments when it was just the two of you, new to it all, basking in the wonderment of each other. Giggling and embracing and just glowing at each other. 

The beautiful and infinite seconds where reality doesn't dwell, where only romance lives, and it is amazing. It is perfect. It is everything.

There is so much to believe in, just knowing he exists. So that, even the short time we had, will haunt my life forever. 

While I give chase, others try to enter my life. I deflect because there is no comparison between my beloved and them. It's like being shown what's inside of a rainbow and then returning to the world of harsh whites and grays. I understand that, sometime in the very distant future, I may end up settling for companionship's sake.

For now, however, I dream best when I dream of love that could be, could grow, could unlock the very best of me, could build and strengthen who I am and who he is and who we could be together.

I recall every moment of my life where I felt less in a relationship, and I replace them with him. Laughing and singing in the shower, learning to dance and walking on the beach holding hands. Climbing hills and carving trees. Making love and birthing babies...

There is so much I want to do. With him. For him. 

That's the part of loving that the movies get wrong. To be in love is to be vulnerable to the wily beast. To step into it's cage unsure of whether the beast will be tame, or be wild. You may end up bloody. Devoured. Haunted. Extinguished... 

Or.

Be blessed.

L.

Remember why

I sometimes wonder how this will happen. How I will be strong enough to stand for myself, by myself, and allow myself to accept better - to believe I deserve better and to accept that.

It's difficult when I am hurting and could use comfort.

I forget that what is being offered is not comfort - it is assuaging of his ego. For, upon closer examination, I can say that the way he loved me and the way I needed to be loved - deserved to be loved - were not the same.

And that, more than anything else, is why I suffer in silence and refuse to respond. Because if he knows I am weak right now, I shall be set upon... And we will hate each other in the morning.

I would rather he remember that he loved me once. And that, with my whole heart, I loved him well when we were together. Even knowing that his love had faded into complacency, that I would never hold that coveted place in his heart and home, I refused to and refuse to love him less.

So I will lay here. And not smile because it is not a smiling matter to take a heart and set it aside. I will lay here.

And remember why.

L.

Snow Day!!!!

Just me and my best girl, running in snow at midnight, leaving "I love you" messages for the universe ❤️. I did nothing tonight but talk to friends, wear pajamas, eat rocky road for dinner, watch "Jane the Virgin", and ask myself why I ever thought that, because things hadn't turned out the way I thought they would, I should tuck tail and head home.

Tonight I heard a joke that went something like "wanna make God laugh? Show him your 'plans'". 

I got it Big Guy. Just going to keep riding through, listening to my heart, and allowing myself to be blessed beautifully.

I love you. And also you ;).

Yours,

L. 

The gentleman

I don't  think I've ever met a real, honest-to-goodness gentleman. I've had men that swore they were, would open my door, pull out my chair, lend me a jacket if I was cold. But a real gentleman? A lover of women, a feminist? 

Nope. Never. 

I think I got used to being an object. Of desire, of affections, of pleasure.  I know that I'm a person and have many awesome qualities...but my experience has been that there are only a few qualities most men are really interested in. 

So, to come across an honest-to-goodness gentleman is, in my experience, like rounding a corner to find a unicorn. Awesome in dreams and romance novels, not realistic in the literal world.

Somehow, this man is. A real gentleman. I would say noble. Add self-aware. Flawed. Still suffering from a relationship that turned into relation-shit. Still able to wonder at my appearance in his life, and whether I will use my powers for good or for evil.

There has to be a reason my alter-ego goes by "Danger Darling"...

I understand his reticence. I smile, I laugh, I care, I want, I cook, I create, I sing, I educate, I inspire, I stand tall, I empathize, I embrace... I'm strong. I'm centered. I have an open mind and an elastic heart. Already, without preamble, I have found room in aforementioned heart to love this man.

Love is easy. Until it isn't. Until it hurts.

But I have had practice in this. I'm pretty sure I've earned a doctorate in "loving someone through and beyond the hurts, to the point where that love is engraved on my bones and I will never get it out".

I'm ok with having loved people previously. It does not mean that I couldn't love someone in the future.

Makes me a weird bird, I know. 

So now is the time for sharing secrets.

The first man I loved, I wondered if he would be the last man I loved...but I didn't give him my whole heart. Something had always bothered me, how my spirit had reared up on my wedding day, causing my feet to not listen to reason, my brain to shout "No! This is not the way! There are huge doubts here!" But I was young. I'd made a promise. And so I made another, and planned to keep it - even without my whole heart.

The second man I loved scared me, because he seemed to see something I couldn't see. It was like being the object of a lusting, and upon it's resolution, standing around wondering "ok now that we have that out of our systems and are no longer curious...want to try...being in a relationship?" There wasn't enough, even six years later, to make a lasting love life. Friend life maybe. But not love the way I needed to be loved.

The woman I loved was never to be mine, no matter how many times she came to me in tears. It was exhausting to be a place of refuge only, temporarily.

And then, for the Leo, I was a space filler. Someone to give their support, to fill time with, to pretend with... My ability to love him was definitely tested. I did try my best...

So now, today, what does it mean to love without trying. I hear and feel and see and know, and to KNOW without a doubt that you are in love....is a crazy and amazing thing.

I finally know what it means to be lovesick. Songs that talk about not being able to eat or sleep or tie your shoes or hear a song on the radio without being reminded of him... Now I understand.

I've known him for two weeks. I've known him my entire life. This is not our first lifetime together. I look forward to living the rest of my lifetimes waiting for him to show up. 

I may not know what he looks like, but my soul will know.

My soul knows. 

The fact that he is who he is... Makes the feelings sharper. I want every second. I want to love him every second for the rest of my days. Sometimes I feel like I won't have many, but now that my soul has seen him, this gentleman, it is demanding the right to love him for the rest of the time we have.

I have found that I can be pushy. I did not know this about myself, but damn my heart is all impatient and shit. I was attempting to make a point about living without regrets and said something to the effect of "what would you regret not doing today if I got hit by a bus tomorrow?" He looked me in the eyes and told me that that would kill him. And I saw in his eyes and his heart that he meant it. Shook us both. Maybe shook him more. 

Tonight has been one of tears and heartache. Revelations and softly spoken but honestly given "I love you"s. I have never felt so instantly right-side-up as when I put my cheek into his palm, or he kisses my forehead.

It's been five hours and I still smell him in my bedroom. So I'm ignoring the rest of the house because here is where I'm closest to him.

This love stuff is crazy. This love stuff is hard. This love stuff is a motherfucker. 

This love - THIS one in particular. Is worth  it.

Be blessed.

- L.

When love was easy

I think that, personally speaking, there comes a time in every relationship when love is easy. Depending on the person, this can last a few weeks, to months...I've never had anything go past months. Except in high school. But then that shit didn't really count. You're still in that "my parents make money so I don't have to" bubble, so love has to be easy.

I always do my deep thinking when I have alone time. Then I can take things apart, examine them piece by piece, subtract emotions and look at each one logically and truthfully.

And truth is, I loved that man.

Right now he is hurt. Maybe angry. Definitely not on speaking terms with me. Which makes me sadder than I like to admit. Does it make the fact that we were not good together any less true? No. And I believed that we could have been great together.

Scratch that.

We could have been epic together.

But if wishes were horses, everyone would ride. Isn't that how the saying goes?

I spent a lot of time wondering why this man I loved didn't look at me. I wondered if I was that unattractive that he couldn't see me, refused to introduce me to people in his life, barely agreed to time spent together that was not in one of our respective houses, in our respective beds. A woman begins to wonder and doubt. She begins to feel like she is alone in a relationship.

I felt alone. 

But I loved him. All of his quirks and frustrations. His teasing of me. The rare moments when he kissed me. And it was so rare.

A kiss.

We didn't tell each other that we loved each other. And that, after two years of being so incredibly unloved, that may have been the worst thing.

But I loved him. 

I loved him like breath.

I loved him like a thundercloud.

I loved him like the sound of wet rain on glass. Like steam in the shower. Like honey in your tea.

To feel all of this for someone who couldn't/didn't have time for/wouldn't show me affection? Probably makes me a little crazy.

And makes my current feelings a bit easier to understand. 

How could I not enjoy someone who spends so many silent minutes staring into my eyes and smiling like I'm a miracle?

How can I resist someone who cannot cease to touch me? Kiss me? The emotions from that alone make my eyes cross. I feel like I havent been touched in years.

Yes. My body has been molded. Entered. Used. But the rest of me? The small parts I felt must be insignificant? He touched my ankles and I wanted to propose. lol. That's a literal statement. I actually felt that.

So it's new. And it's easy. And I don't know how it will look when the new rubs off. But for now, I plan to enjoy without regret, what it feels like...

To be loved back.

A king

My love life has always been fodder for impassioned and bipolar blogging, simply because it has a run the gamut of super vanilla to "did you get the license plate of that truck?"

It's funnier now. At 15, when I met Danny, I wanted to be in love so much that I damn near orchestrated the whole thing. It worked. He liked me back. We tumbled into love as only the young can, with blinders on and the best of intentions. I know now that it should never have led to marriage. We were babies, we had no clue who we were, what we wanted out of our lives and ourselves, or of what questions need to be asked before you pledge your eternal love to another soul.

It takes more than love. Whoever said "love is all you need" needs to be shot.

Anyway, the more I look back into my first major relationship, the more I recognize the wrong. He was a narcissist. Still is. I was unhappy, with self-worth and self-esteem issues. He was superficial. I was an ambivert with social anxiety disorder.

Obviously not the best of mixes.

So when I met Deangelo, the artistic, the deep, the kooky, the passionate, I thought he was such the antithesis of the man I had spent 14 years trying to love, it just had to work out. Cut to six years later, where I've gone from having someone I felt strongly enough for that I moved states, to having someone in the peripheral of my life who could stay as a friend or leave as an enemy, and the most I will feel is temporarily sad. That's what happens when someone bases their relationship behavior on the other person happily sitting on a shelf, twiddling their thumbs, waiting and hoping that, when the timing is finally right, they'll be the ones chosen...

Yeah.

No thanks.

I remind my students, whenever they get wrapped up in someone making them do this or get upset about that, that they are a person, not a puppet. I let myself be one for six years, I let my heart get broken three times. I think getting off that ride was one of the smartest things I've ever done.

In between, there was Donald. Just the mention of his name makes people close to me curl their upper lips. I don't think he is a bad person. I think he needs to learn empathy and compassion. I hope he learned a bit from me, but I am honestly not about to check. He fucked with my head. And with my heart. I'm still licking those wounds.

There were others. Christian. Sonny. Kat. Mike. A list of names from people who came into my life to either shine a light or attempt to blow one out.

I survived. I learned. I'm growing.

I told myself "Self? We keep talking about being lonely, feeling alone, but isn't it time we took some proactive action on finding a solution? Might be a good idea."

So, not for the first time, I signed up for online dating. Not because I was mad at someone like the first time. Not because I was feeling desperate like the second.

More so because I thought that somewhere in this city, there just HAD to be someone who wasn't repulsed by the thought of holding hands in public. Of kissing my forehead. Of laughing at my corny jokes. 

Then I prayed. I put the situation into God's hands, for better or for worse, and entered my credit card number.

Today, I cancelled my memberships. All of them. I deleted numbers and names and pictures. I cleaned my house just a bit and allowed myself to dream...

Of him.

He is...amazing. The analogy I've been using is that, around the time I was born, there was this huge baby boom, so God got a little backed up in the matching soul mate to soul mate department. This back log meant that my soul mate was born a few years late. Probably the equivalent of leaving work on your desk on a Friday afternoon and coming back Monday morning like "Fuck! Why didn't I finish this crap on Friday?"

Anyway. 😊

I am a smiling fool. I am dreaming of big things. I am believing words that are  backed up with actions. I am accepting promises. I am, very tentatively, holding out my heart so that he can take a peek. He says he will keep telling me and showing me how beautiful I am until I believe it. If this is game, it's past the point where he needs to continue it to get what he wants...

I think that what he really wants? Is me. All of me.

Smiling again. Sweet Jesus that man is a miracle. 

He isn't perfect. He doesn't always say the right words, but his intent and the emotions behind are 100% crystal clear. We find ourselves struggling to keep our love words at bay, because it is so very early yet.

However.

The fact that this man, in a week, has both touched my heart and romanced my mind more than anyone else has in the past 14 years? That's important. That's a real feeling that I both acknowledge and embrace.

Why shouldn't i allow myself to be loved the way I've always wanted to be, regardless of the time limit? Why should I refuse to act my natural, authentic self, without fear of rejection?

Why shouldn't I be Queen to this King?

 

And - for you, Demetrius - whenever I finally allow you to read this: you are blowing my mind and unchaining my heart. For that alone, I will cherish this and you. Your heart is safe. And don't you worry about a thing.