She Will Be Loved...

I woke up this morning feeling a bit off in myself. There is a lot going on in my life right now that makes me simultaneously happy, sad, frustrated, and scared. Mainly, I'm having trouble juggling what used to be so easy for me to do - not to mention my poker face becoming transparent. I apparently can't hide anything anymore, and that just sucks - because how can you protect yourself if you can't hide as necessary?

I spent the weekend with someone new in my life, who tends to make me forget myself. I forget to put the layers on, I forget to not be myself...and it made me feel quite a bit "crabbish" for the majority of the time. I would say something, casually, openly, and then mentally freak out and scuttle backwards into my shell. He would look over, smile, and chuckle, unfazed.

Weird.

Then there are the emails from the last man I gave my heart to - telling me to give it back to him again, for good, for keeps. Apparently my "oh HELL no" wasn't as convincing as it should have been. That is a road I cannot allow myself back down. I didn't just bend - I broke. I went from warm and hopeful to ice cold. I'm a bit ashamed of what I put myself through afterwards - but I'm thankful for the angel put in my path to guide me out of the darkness...

It's still a bit cold though.

I keep posting these bi-polar blogs about love and what amounts to quite a bit of hate. The truth is that there is more a desire to understand why I can't seem to be loved for who and what I am, without having to conform or change or be less than truthful to myself.

I know I'm a good girl. Better than good. Shit, I've got references.

So how is it that, on Valentine's Day, this big heart of mine is ensconced firmly in my own chest, and nobody seems to want it?

Carpooled with the ex today. I was attempting to not encourage him to disclose his plans for the evening. Already know he's got plans. Every once in a while I allow myself a moment of pure jealousy. Not that he loves someone else. More that, for reasons unknown to me, he seems to treat her better than he ever treated me. The spoiling I waited to get, was promised, never happened. As soon as things got good, he abandoned me.

Which is ironic given the second man I loved abandoned me when things got bad.

Perhaps the problem is that, now, I am always on edge, waiting for that moment when someone I have feelings for decides to get missing - or to get feelings for someone else...

Damn this sucks. Was trying to be positive here. At least I'm being honest.

I don't trust the way normal people do. I've spent too many days and nights crying on my bathroom floor in the fetal position. I don't ask for or accept help unless it's a dire situation, and even then I hesitate. I don't know what I would do if love came looking for me one day soon...

Even though...even though deep down I want it to.

It's Valentine's Day, the third time in twenty four years that I did not have a Valentine. The record itself isn't too bad. But those last three times were consecutive. Which is sucking majorly.

Maybe I need to do or be someone different. Expecting someone to come along and want me as I am might be too much to ask for. Wanting someone to earn my trust and my heart through actions and not words - but understanding that the words are still needed - could be unrealistic.

Or maybe...maybe the best thing for me to do is to take my broken heart for what she is, to continue to grow, to continue to creep forward a little at a time, so that when the universe is ready - love will come my way...

And finally...finally... I can be loved.

Be blessed.

-Asha


Song by Maroon 5

Hope She Cheats On You

With Valentine's Day coming up, and my remembering my woefully sad experiences the last two years, I occasionally find myself thinking of random things...

...Remember When things.

I don't know why, but recently I've started to realize that not only am I fabulous (actually "fucking fabulous"), but there is a reason why some women have started to tell my ex lovers "contact who you want, talk to you want...just not HER".

Which I think is hilarious.

I have never set out to make anyone uncomfortable, to hurt any one...and in the process I've fallen on my sword quite a few times to preserve the pride of someone else.

Thing is...I've got quite a bit of pride myself.

Specifically, in knowing that, there will always be a little part of every past lover's mind that will wander to me every now and then, wonder what I'm up to, think about the things I excelled at...

I got a call the other day. And it started with "the blue walls". Now, I try to keep this blog PG-13 so I can't tell you exactly what that means, but I sure as hell smiled. "Mmm-hmm. Triple time," I replied.

But even though I don't have any angry lovers out there (hmm...actually that may no longer be true as of yesterday, but whatever), it doesn't mean that I haven't had those stinging moments we go through when we realize we have been replaced with a downgrade.

You know what I mean.

Some random that you know won't last the month, or if they do, it's because they got knocked up with what you better hope is your kid.

Damn I hate that shit.

Happens though. I smile, back off, send a baby gift.

Secretly though? If I really liked you?

Check the title. With a basketball player. With a definite upgrade that makes you question yourself. Because I do have a vindictive side sometimes...

Hmm. I may need to take a closer look at that.

A lover of mine contacted me...actually has been contacting me for a month or so. Making noise about us "trying again." What I remember is me being the one doing all the "trying". He was doing all the "taking". He was privileged to have the perks of a relationship, without having to commit. So when he told me that I wasn't what he wanted, I felt everything in me break in half. I screamed. I cried for hours, unable to breathe fully. He was the one person I trusted to never hurt me, and he did...he really did.

When my life took some very horrible turns after that, I was even more aware of the fact that he had abandoned me. I was aware that when things got horrible - he got gone.

And that I needed and deserved someone willing to be there through thick and thin, for better or for worse. Someone I won't have to occasionally wish ill will upon.

I'm human dammit.

Anyway.

I need to stop writing, and experience what is going on in my life. There are very good things happening, some scary. But here we go. I believe wholeheartedly in karma, so I'm sure those who need to be taught a lesson for hurting a pure heart will get theirs. I'm not going to worry about it anymore.

Hold onto love. It's precious and brings you closer to yourself. Don't neglect it. Don't take it for granted...it may never go away, but the person who feels it may.

Yours,

Asha