Learning my lesson (career-edition)

Two weeks ago I had to make a decision for myself regarding my employment situation. It wasn't an easy decision, especially given that I tend to give, give, GIVE with my whole heart in all that I do. But, with the decision made, I had to first inform my boss and then inform my students.

It was rough. I know that, while the school was still a hectic place, I was serving as an anchor, and a mentor to my colleagues who were new to the profession... I felt like a heel. A sorry person for putting myself and my health before my students...

Which, in hindsight, I can see is totally crazy. 

We live in a world where people consistently look out for themselves. If you are not serving them or proving valuable in some way, shape, or form - they will immediately help you find your way out of their lives...

And it's sad. And it's hurtful. And you should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing this to become the status quo of the society in which we live. When did people - PEOPLE - become single-use and disposable commodities?

When did we stop giving a shit about our fellow man? 

And why do I sometimes feel like, because I listen to my conscience, my instincts, and, barring those, genuinely act in the best interests of others, I get hit by a damn bus of megalomaniacal personages bent on mowing as many people down as possible just because there's no one there to stop them?

I used to fight - a lot. For others mainly, very rarely for myself.

Now I find that I'm upset because the same thing I always hope won't happen, has happened.

Screwed over. By people I cared about, helped, showed love to. By people I put myself out for - financially, physically, emotionally.

And, in the end, who gets the shaft besides me? My students. Who will now not only be lacking a teacher, but also an advocate. 

In a world like the one they've been born into, an advocate is priceless.

I'm glad I got that out so that I can rest. I've allowed myself to be literally worried sick, but now I'm going to rest. And let go. Because, once again, this lesson has absolutely been learned.

Fool me twice...

-L.

Ready for Love.

I've been up, down, and all over the place since I started this blog almost four years ago. It's amazing to look at all the life that's been lived, all that has been excised, all that's been taken in and made part of my story. Lovers. Jealousy. Vulnerability. Honesty. I've learned that one of the most intriguing creatures made by God is woman - and for some, I have been that intriguing creature.

It's a powerful thing. To be muse. Love. Object of desire and lust. Saviour. Counselor. Superhero. 

With great power really does come great responsibility. I thought that was just a tag line.

I've learned to forgive. Others and myself. I've made mistakes. And I've played a definite role in some mistakes that weren't completely mine.

I've learned to accept that I can both love and leave a person. Sometimes because they weren't mine to claim. Sometimes because our time was over.

You can't spend your whole life closed away in a room making furious and passionate love. No matter how much it seems like time has stopped - it hasn't.

The first move I made was to say yes. To someone who I had no business saying yes to, broken as I was. It was an act of rebellion, of defiance. It was payback. And it shouldn't have been.

I used someone. It doesn't matter that I fell in love after. I had to remove myself from the situation, back away, to see how my heart would feel with distance.

I met a man who made me feel like a goddess. Domme and Creatrix and black leather. I'd never felt such power - in or out of the bedroom. But how long can you continue playing games while reality rolls around you. You can ignore it all you want but in the end it is still there.

I fell into loneliness and found another there. And, for a while, we worked out our sadness together. It filled the space. It was humble and a little sad - but needed. I found that I was afraid of gentleness, of being cared for. I'd spent so much time shoring up my walls and soldering my armour so that I couldn't be hurt - I forgot to treat my heart with kindness. He did. And it broke me a little. Maybe a lot. But I needed to be broken. Like a bone that hasn't set right. I needed to feel the pain so that I could heal properly.

I ran home. Because it began to all feel like madness and I needed to be in a place where I knew all the streets and all the quiet places and all the best spots for kissing. I tried to recreate my life. 

I found comfort and provided comfort.

I fell in love. Then I fell out of it.

I broke into the smallest and sparest of pieces. There was literally nothing between me and the world. I had no armour, no expectations, no pride, no vanity. I watched the crazy ants run across my floor and wondered how I could ever have thought I was mightier than them.

I was blessed. In friendship. The universe threw me two bones simultaneously.

Temporary though. Loaners really.

And when the universe calls in your favors - it's on her time, not yours.

And then...

Hmm. I'm smiling.

Because, after all of the madness and the drama and the wild nights and late mornings...

You came. Like you'd never left. And it was warm and familiar and at the same time completely and breathlessly new. After I got over being scared - I had to get used to feeling loved.

You might be the dearest person to me in the world...and still, it may not work out.

But that's ok. Because now, finally, I know what it means to be fiercely loved. And it makes everything up until this point pale and laughable in comparison.

My heart feels like...like it would be happy, I would be happy, to marry you tomorrow. No ring. No dress. No vows. 

Just me. 

And you.

I've lived so much life in the past four years. So much that still fills my days, demands my time and attention...

But at night? At night I dream of the life I have ahead with you.

And I'm finally ready.

For love.

Yours,

Asha