Diamonds are forever

I may have suffered from low self-esteem for the majority of my life, second-guessing myself, using negative self-speech, that sort of thing growing girls get In the bad habit of doing to themselves. It was hard to believe that anyone could feel differently about me. I have to admit I was pretty hard on myself. Even at 18 and engaged I still wasn't sure if I really was worth the trouble of someone being in love with me. I knew I had baggage a lot of baggage... That alone made me want to hide in the background of my relationship. There was a part of me that told myself that because of my baggage I didn't deserve to be front and center, loved and adored, or cherished for all that I was.

Honestly I didn't know what I was.

A month or so after I got married I went to school and met up with my husband. It was one of those long days where we were late at school and ready to go home. We were not settling into marriage well, probably because of the grieving that we still hadn't done. I know I've talked about my wedding day before and the disaster that it was so I'm not going to rehash all of that. But I will save that for the people who showed up it was definitely a night to remember. 

Notice I didn't say fondly remember.

One of the professors from the school where we worked showed up at the wedding. He was well respected and pretty much the only real adult there that wasn't family. It meant a lot that he showed up and participated regardless of how ridiculous the whole thing was. We were two kids playing at being grown-up and we really had no business being there.

Anyway this professor saw us in the hall looking very very tired. I think he had some pity for us because we were really trying to do something impossible. He pulled us both into his office and sat us down and started talking to us. He asked how school was, how married life was and how we were. I remember feeling uncomfortable because I felt so out of place in my marriage.

Then this kindly man turned to my husband and told him "this woman right here? She deserves diamonds. You need to get working on that."

My husband started laughing nervously, like it was some kind of joke, but that professor was very serious...

And I never forgot that. 

He barely knew me but he'd seen what I'd gone through the previous couple of months trying to make sure that we survived. It was hard. It was hellacious. I would not be defeated no matter how much it hurt.

And I kind of started believing it.

I wasn't like any girl. I was determined. I was fierce. I was the force that would make sure that we survived. And we did survive... college. 

We probably could have survived the infidelity too. And the lying. And all the other stuff. But not so much being abandoned. That unfortunately we could not survive.

I went around for a long time after wondering what my worth was. I thought perhaps the professor have been wrong. Maybe I wasn't different. Maybe I wasn't worth that.

But I am. That and so much more. The good Professor had it right. One day, maybe soon, someone will see that. Someone will recognize just who I am.

A woman who deserves diamonds and kingdoms and wars fought in her honor. A woman who's not afraid to pick up the sword herself to fight for what and who she believes in.

Guess we'll just have to see.

Xoxo,

L.