Miss Independent

You learn things after you marinate on them for a while.

For me, it was taking a look at the life I have and mentally rearranging it into the life I want. Realizing that I do have a lot to work with...and some of the questions I have, I already know the answers to.

So what's the hold up?

Me, mainly. I tend to get in my own way a lot, tripping over my own feet, telling myself I know the solution before I'm told what the real problem is...making issues when there isn't any.

When my marriage ended almost two years ago, I found myself thrown back into the 18-year old version of myself. Unsure, unknowing, afraid, desperately wanting to not fail...but there was no plan. During my marriage, I never sat down and made a plan for what I would do if it ended - I had convinced myself it wouldn't, no matter the misgivings I'd had originally.

I hadn't wanted to be married but then, suddenly, I was, so I set out to be the best wife I could be...without stopping to make sure I was also the best version of myself I could be.

It's a pattern of behavior I continue...although I am hoping this awareness I have from today will help me stop that.

I realized today that the top three spots in my life are filled. I've finally made the top two...God is, and shall always be, number One in my book.

So what now? What shall I do with this new outlook? What vision did I put together today?

I want to be independent. Successful. Fulfill my need to be creative, to be a healer, to travel, to learn. I want a home of my own, decorated the way I want, with light and room for art and cooking and a hearth for my dog to lay on.

I want a car to drive that I've paid off myself. Money saved and money to spend on pretty shoes I buy because I feel fabulous and I want them. I want to get dolled up on the regular, nails and hair, pedicures and massages...because I want to, not for a man, a lover, or anyone else.

I want to indulge...and decline....as I see fit.

I want to go to yoga four times a week.

I understand that this ideal life of mine may not come to complete fruition until the next decade of my life is through. I know that every day I can get a little closer to it.

I know that its okay if I don't know exactly what I want to be when I grow up. Maybe I would like to be a little bit of everything. Pick and choose and change and grow...

And in the process, be free to love the man I want to love, exactly as I wish to.

Fuck the haters. The people who smile in my face and whisper curses under their breath. The ones who do a happy dance whenever my posts get desperate or dark because it means that I am unhappy...and who the hell am I to get to be happy when you are so unhappy with your own lot in life?

My dreams are big - because I am not afraid to dream that way. I may go hungry for a bit. I may have to sleep in my car. But I am still capable of changing the situation my life is in. I think I'm going to continue working on that.

Positive thoughts all...that's where my mind is tonight.

<3 Asha

Ordinary People

This one is hard. Necessary...but difficult to write all the same.

I've had a lot of people come into my life - for varying reasons - and each one was important. Not all of them fit in comfortably, or showed up at what I would consider the "best" time. But then, that is how people work...

That is how love works.

I love someone I never expected to love. Not in the way that I do. It's confusing, and scary, and sometimes it hurts so much I feel I can't breathe. We've already discussed the fact that his feelings don't mirror mine. The thing is, my feelings don't require him to.

We've spent almost 12 days together, breathing the same air, eating, sleeping, trying to be the most loving people in what is the worst situation I've ever found myself in. It is not one I wanted to drag anyone into with me, much less the man I love...but maybe that's a mistake. In any relationship, you will have that moment where you can't seem to find yourself. You look in all the mirrors, stare at your hands, into your eyes, and you don't recognize the person there... I've had mornings where I had to tell myself to keep breathing dammit. This thing had a beginning...it will end somewhere if you just hold on.

I've been having trouble holding on...to whatever there is of me in here.

And when I promised not to have expectations, I ended up having a fairly important one. I needed someone to love me - all of me - without the judgment of what I currently am today. Twenty pounds heavier. Sad a lot. Lonely. Unemployed and damn near destitute. All of which are potentially temporary situations...and even when I can't seem to convince myself of that truth, I fight on, hold onto myself, I keep breathing...

I needed someone to love me at my absolute worst while I am fighting desperately for survival.

Perhaps that was an expectation I should not have placed on a person, a man. Perhaps the truth is that only God can do that for me.

So be it.

I did the thing I shouldn't have. I let myself look over in the dark and not feel alone. I let myself think about what small thing I could do to put a smile on his face, even if for a little while. When I couldn't resurrect my passion, I threw myself wholeheartedly into the support of his...and somehow, somehow I believe I still failed.

I don't know if I will ever see him again after this. He is still here, at least for a little while longer, and I have no words to say, no miracles to pull out to put a smile back on his face, gladness back into his heart. He's already told me that he feels this trip - to see me - that it was a mistake, a miscalculation...I wish I could make that a lie.

I wish I could be the girl I was six months ago - but better. More secure. More stable. More in control of the path her life is taking, better able to enjoy the life she has.

It is hard writing this. But whatever happens after today, it is important that I don't forget...I am different. I have changed. I fight to not let this city consume any light I may have left. I refuse to let my current "situation" affect or erase my love. Situations change.

My heart is ever constant.

Yours,
Asha


--song by John Legend--