I love someone. So much, so deep, that no one else can touch it. When I am overcome with joy and beauty - I wish he was there to hold my hand and share it with me. To smile at me and secretly agree that such a moment should be felt between us. There is so much I don't know about my love, that he doesn't know about me, yet I still feel for him every day.
Some days I actively try to not think of him, close enough to see but not enough to touch, but those are the days when my mind and heart go directly to him, unbidden. I even tried to exorcise his presence, in an effort to do what he'd asked me to - to move on, to find someone who could actively show me the appreciation and love he wanted to but couldn't commit to.
You might as well have told me I was some fairy creature all this time, because my heart believed that just as much. Moving on from someone who has moved your heart, shaken you to your core in a way that had never happened before in your life? It is not possible. I tried. I still try.
Last week, I met a man who took one look at me, in wonder and disbelief, and he tried to hold my hand, move an answering response in me. I felt my hand begin to shake, to repel, even as I tried to be polite, tried to see if there could be a "maybe". I could almost feel the steel bands tighten around my heart as everything in me most definitively said No. It has happened again and again since I met my love. My heart will not be moved, even when I will it to do so.
So what can I do? When my mind strays to him a hundred times a day? When I feel the darkness pulling me down and deep and, without warning, he sends me a message, and I burst free, burning, full of light and life like a Phoenix from the ash?
He is my dragon. He is my heart. The love I feel is alive and a wild thing. I feel mad with trying to show him exactly this. I miss him.
He misses me.
Everything I have that was once his is like a brightly burning token of affection. I wear his necklace for protection of myself and my heart. I think of our very first kiss and how alive I felt, how safe, how fiery and amazing. Vibrating with the highest resonance, I just needed to touch him, harmonise with him. To find that what I'd always assumed was a discordant melody was, in fact a power chord, was so humbling to me.
I wanted to take him home, move him in, bring delight into his life forever. I was the quirky, playful, silly, beautiful hippie-flower child in his life, meant to open his heart and make him begin to wish for better, for more. The thrill I felt to my core when we lay together and he moved my hands with his, circling and uncircling my ring finger, kissing the place where a wedding ring should go, almost without a clue he was doing so, making it feel like a promise...
I cannot explain why I love him.
Even now, as I lay here and do not know what's to come for us, I know that I love him. There is no other for me. I will say no other vows, make no other promises.
There will be no more falling in love.
I'm already in love.
Dangerously, forever in love.
And all I can ask and pray is that he won't let go, not until we can really see what this is. What we could be. Why we were brought together, and why it feels so big.
Because, my love, this love?
This love is everything.
Yours,
L.
