Bigger than Me

What do you do when you are faced with the reality of your life, the fact that, despite what you sometimes wish for, it never seems to go back to what you, in rose-colored hindsight, believe it was. When you can no longer protect the feelings of those who've only recently begun to care about yours...


I've faced some pretty crass things with a forced smile on my face.


But that's energy I no longer have to waste on stupid people.


My life is moving forward very quickly. There are loose ends to be tied up and clipped. My heart fills daily with a hundred new things.


I'm a lionness.


Now comes the time when, after taking such an intensely personal look at my life, I have to decide how much more there is left to do - or if I'm ready to graduate to the next stage of all of this...


I think I'm ready.


I've learned so much with this blog, in the actual writing, and the feedback I've gotten.


You all helped me recover myself and my joy. I wouldn't be where I am - still dreaming, breathing, hoping - if you hadn't given me the courage to be Asha.


Now I have to find the courage to be Latoya.


I haven't a clue who she is yet.


I have a sort-of role model, someone famous only slightly older than me, that I like to emulate every once in a while. She kind of did a fierce and fabulous thing, choosing to chase her dreams, to make them bigger, stronger, more important, while loving someone who loved that about her. She chose to not be scared. To put herself out there. To not just discover her passion but to allow the experiences of her life to create new passions...

That's the woman I will be.

I think it would be best to end this blog - for good - with the promise that I have become the learner I needed to be. And someone I can believe in. I'm walking forward into my life with the understanding that if I wasn't quite a bit scared, I might then be quite a bit stupid - and that's something THIS woman definitely is not.

I'll miss you beloveds.

All of you - every single beautiful one of you.

Thank you for everything.

Catch you in dreams.

<3 Yours Always,

Asha

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Follow the new blog at theverymiddleme.blogspot.com

-L.

Between Two Lungs

Ever feel that there is something you want to say, need to say, but you can't quite make it come out from between your lips? So it kind of hovers there, unspoken, unwilling to move too far just in case you grow the cojones to grab it back and spit it out?

Yeah.

I tend to fall into the "I wish I'd said/I should have said" category. I know the perfect thing to say - after the fact. Or I naively think I have oodles of time to say something, to ask something, and then I just don't.

For example. The man from my past who came into my life last year with promises galore. I'd been a little in love with him when I was 14. At 28, I was still a little in love with him. One meeting after 11 years that led to...well...ahem......stuff. Then poof dude was gone before I got a good look at him in the light. Two months of talking everyday, almost all day, then one face-to-face and he ghosted. Two months later I got a random text message with a "remember that night?" and nothing in the 10 months since. I REALLY wanted to tell him about himself lol.

Then there's the "snake" who ended up being the most honest of them all. Except for the tiny thing about being in denial. Well shit, so was I. There is an entire dictionary of words we never had the courage to say to one another. I woke up one morning recently very aware that the time I've been waiting for the opportunity to say those things will never happen. "Give it up girl - he ain't callin'".

Let's not even start on the "hamster". He's still pretty clueless. Ah. I may have to take those words to the grave...

The muse is different. The words get said - but the ears don't hear. Purposefully refuse to hear. So I let that one be...

The lion...my lion. That one hurts. He was...for a very long time he was the only thing and the everything. I'm not proud of the transferrence, but I did love him dearly. There will be a part of my heart that will always belong to only him. He knows all my secrets...well...the ones that matter any way. I may never wreck his red couch again (*smile*) but maybe one day I'll sit on it curled up with a cup of tea and listen to him read me comics, practice his rhymes, debate why Batman could take the entire Marvel Universe single-handedly...

And then.

Then there's Him.

Damn.

The man who came out of freaking nowhere and knocked me right out of my shoes. There's a thin line people - you all know this. And there is an even thinner line between distrust and "holy crap am I feeling what I think I am???"

Argh.

I was looking for love - maybe. Kind of. Not actively. And this...this might be that....

But there is still so much swirling around in the background of my life. Things that might be stumbling blocks...curveballs...

Then again - if I've ever met a man who could catch a curveball, it's this man. And he just...ROLLS with that shit. I find myself so excited to meet the woman who birthed this man, just so I can hug her and shake her hand and tell her what she's done for my faith in them.

Like. A lot.

Hmm. I still can't say it. Maybe it's because I'm not supposed to say it on a blog that he may never read. Maybe I'm supposed to say it to his face. Tonight. Trembling between my lips, forced out from between two lungs....three...little...words...

Be blessed beautiful ones. Love you.

-Asha

Song by Florence and the Machine

She Will Be Loved...

I woke up this morning feeling a bit off in myself. There is a lot going on in my life right now that makes me simultaneously happy, sad, frustrated, and scared. Mainly, I'm having trouble juggling what used to be so easy for me to do - not to mention my poker face becoming transparent. I apparently can't hide anything anymore, and that just sucks - because how can you protect yourself if you can't hide as necessary?

I spent the weekend with someone new in my life, who tends to make me forget myself. I forget to put the layers on, I forget to not be myself...and it made me feel quite a bit "crabbish" for the majority of the time. I would say something, casually, openly, and then mentally freak out and scuttle backwards into my shell. He would look over, smile, and chuckle, unfazed.

Weird.

Then there are the emails from the last man I gave my heart to - telling me to give it back to him again, for good, for keeps. Apparently my "oh HELL no" wasn't as convincing as it should have been. That is a road I cannot allow myself back down. I didn't just bend - I broke. I went from warm and hopeful to ice cold. I'm a bit ashamed of what I put myself through afterwards - but I'm thankful for the angel put in my path to guide me out of the darkness...

It's still a bit cold though.

I keep posting these bi-polar blogs about love and what amounts to quite a bit of hate. The truth is that there is more a desire to understand why I can't seem to be loved for who and what I am, without having to conform or change or be less than truthful to myself.

I know I'm a good girl. Better than good. Shit, I've got references.

So how is it that, on Valentine's Day, this big heart of mine is ensconced firmly in my own chest, and nobody seems to want it?

Carpooled with the ex today. I was attempting to not encourage him to disclose his plans for the evening. Already know he's got plans. Every once in a while I allow myself a moment of pure jealousy. Not that he loves someone else. More that, for reasons unknown to me, he seems to treat her better than he ever treated me. The spoiling I waited to get, was promised, never happened. As soon as things got good, he abandoned me.

Which is ironic given the second man I loved abandoned me when things got bad.

Perhaps the problem is that, now, I am always on edge, waiting for that moment when someone I have feelings for decides to get missing - or to get feelings for someone else...

Damn this sucks. Was trying to be positive here. At least I'm being honest.

I don't trust the way normal people do. I've spent too many days and nights crying on my bathroom floor in the fetal position. I don't ask for or accept help unless it's a dire situation, and even then I hesitate. I don't know what I would do if love came looking for me one day soon...

Even though...even though deep down I want it to.

It's Valentine's Day, the third time in twenty four years that I did not have a Valentine. The record itself isn't too bad. But those last three times were consecutive. Which is sucking majorly.

Maybe I need to do or be someone different. Expecting someone to come along and want me as I am might be too much to ask for. Wanting someone to earn my trust and my heart through actions and not words - but understanding that the words are still needed - could be unrealistic.

Or maybe...maybe the best thing for me to do is to take my broken heart for what she is, to continue to grow, to continue to creep forward a little at a time, so that when the universe is ready - love will come my way...

And finally...finally... I can be loved.

Be blessed.

-Asha


Song by Maroon 5

Hope She Cheats On You

With Valentine's Day coming up, and my remembering my woefully sad experiences the last two years, I occasionally find myself thinking of random things...

...Remember When things.

I don't know why, but recently I've started to realize that not only am I fabulous (actually "fucking fabulous"), but there is a reason why some women have started to tell my ex lovers "contact who you want, talk to you want...just not HER".

Which I think is hilarious.

I have never set out to make anyone uncomfortable, to hurt any one...and in the process I've fallen on my sword quite a few times to preserve the pride of someone else.

Thing is...I've got quite a bit of pride myself.

Specifically, in knowing that, there will always be a little part of every past lover's mind that will wander to me every now and then, wonder what I'm up to, think about the things I excelled at...

I got a call the other day. And it started with "the blue walls". Now, I try to keep this blog PG-13 so I can't tell you exactly what that means, but I sure as hell smiled. "Mmm-hmm. Triple time," I replied.

But even though I don't have any angry lovers out there (hmm...actually that may no longer be true as of yesterday, but whatever), it doesn't mean that I haven't had those stinging moments we go through when we realize we have been replaced with a downgrade.

You know what I mean.

Some random that you know won't last the month, or if they do, it's because they got knocked up with what you better hope is your kid.

Damn I hate that shit.

Happens though. I smile, back off, send a baby gift.

Secretly though? If I really liked you?

Check the title. With a basketball player. With a definite upgrade that makes you question yourself. Because I do have a vindictive side sometimes...

Hmm. I may need to take a closer look at that.

A lover of mine contacted me...actually has been contacting me for a month or so. Making noise about us "trying again." What I remember is me being the one doing all the "trying". He was doing all the "taking". He was privileged to have the perks of a relationship, without having to commit. So when he told me that I wasn't what he wanted, I felt everything in me break in half. I screamed. I cried for hours, unable to breathe fully. He was the one person I trusted to never hurt me, and he did...he really did.

When my life took some very horrible turns after that, I was even more aware of the fact that he had abandoned me. I was aware that when things got horrible - he got gone.

And that I needed and deserved someone willing to be there through thick and thin, for better or for worse. Someone I won't have to occasionally wish ill will upon.

I'm human dammit.

Anyway.

I need to stop writing, and experience what is going on in my life. There are very good things happening, some scary. But here we go. I believe wholeheartedly in karma, so I'm sure those who need to be taught a lesson for hurting a pure heart will get theirs. I'm not going to worry about it anymore.

Hold onto love. It's precious and brings you closer to yourself. Don't neglect it. Don't take it for granted...it may never go away, but the person who feels it may.

Yours,

Asha

Nobody's Girl

I think it's interesting what 2012 is turning into for me. Especially given how emotionally charged 2011 was...so much happened. But that was the personal stuff - the relationship stuff. At least then there was some sense of, I don't know, belonging might be the word. Yes I ended 2011 alone, but I was at a place where I was trying to get all the other aspects of my life to align...

Now it seems that they are, slowly but surely, recovering. It's still going to take some time. Maybe years for a full recovery. But it's happening. I feel it every day. Fiscal strength. Trusting that what I do on a daily basis is important and valued as such... It helps that I'm surrounded by strong women in the same state of flux I'm in.

But now...with that worry off of my mind...I can't help but notice the silence.

It may be a bit more figurative than literal. Plus, it's not that the opportunity to be with several someones is not there.

But what I want for myself is different. And so far, they haven't gotten it.

There's a part of my life I keep separate from the public eye. There are very few crossovers for a reason. I created a persona for myself to protect myself. I like her. She's fun. And as bad as I want her to be...

...but here's the trouble with a persona. Once you turn it on, wear it for a few months, it becomes a part of your everyday life. It's hard to turn off. To take the person back from the persona would take a special kind of person...

And I don't think I've met them yet.

I've attempted. Please don't think I'm so cowardly as to not attempt a real relationship. I have attempted. But there are lines. I don't always do well with lines. The ones you draw to keep the two (or three) sides of yourself separate. I keep meeting "either/or" people who favor one over the other...and that's hard for me. Too hard to maintain. One side will always feel neglected or put-upon. And then...then its done.

I want to be loved.

All the parts of me. Yes maybe, initially, one side is more fun, more intriguing, more full of surprises...but that's only one side. That's like tasting chocolate ice cream for the first time and deciding that is all you want forever. Who wants vanilla?

What is neglected, what is not asked is "why not both?"

I remember...if we're being honest here, and here, in this pseudo-safe space, I do try to be honest.... I remember someone who loved all the parts of me there were. And I flat out refused to go there. It seemed easier to...to just be one or the other. But every time I passed him, saw him out of the corner of my eye, felt his fingers touch my skin...I knew. I had never felt anything like that before...and I haven't felt it since. Things got hard, life got difficult...and still, almost three years later, I remember and dream of him in living color...

But he's not mine. And I am not his. Hmm. Guess I can lie here after all.

Not going to think about it. Or him. This is about me.

Why do I feel like what I want most of all - someone who likes the chocolate, the vanilla, and still is like "hey! let's go crazy and add some sprinkles to this bitch!" - is impossible...to meet twice? Is it because I've watched too many rom-coms, and am therefore absolutely certain he is on his way to me?

Maybe.

Maybe what is waiting for me is more than I can dream up.

That's a better thought.

Let's end with that.

Besos my loves.

-Asha

After Tonight

It's strange, I think, to notice the people around me coupling up, coming to that place in life where long-terms, and marriages, and babies start to become the norm. Especially for and from those same people who swore up and down to never embrace that. The stranger part is dealing with my own fear of those things...

Probably comes from marrying too soon and divorcing not soon enough.

I look over at him sometimes and think "wow. I loved you with everything I had. Where did all of that go?" He's oblivious, locked into his own world, one that doesn't need to include me...and I think I'm okay with that. It's strange though. Knowing every mole and scrape and scar and fear of a person you are no longer allowed to touch.

One of the random things I think about.

I'm okay with the random - occasionally those thoughts lead to inspiration, which is great for my writing and my art and my music.

I've been in this weird state mentally, where my subconscious seems to be saying "it's time! Can't you feel it? It's definitely time." Which makes me want to pull a crab (re: Cancer), and scuttle back into the safety of my home until the universe stops whispering for a while.

How can it be time to move forward when parts of me are still stuck in the past?

Maybe the better question is why do I believe it is 100% necessary to be done with the past in order to move forward towards my future? Time on this plane seems to be linear. Every day you move forward, not backwards. I age a bit more every day and, save the gray hairs, I'm okay with that...

So why be scared?

I have so much to be grateful for. I sometimes feel so moved I throw out a prayer or a bless up in my heart out into the universe. After years of feeling these odds stacked against me like dominoes, I'm starting to see the whole picture...

It's bigger than I thought. Perhaps bigger than I could have dreamed for myself.

But back to love.

I am quite sure that the next person I say "I love you" to, is going to be the person I spend every day after that proving it to. And vice-versa, because I will not settle for less. No "half-love", no "inconvenient love"...no "I love you but..."

So I'm being picky. And moving forward. And making plans for my life that do not include the possibility of a partner. Because whoever that person may be, they're getting here as fast as they can...

My goal? For when they get here? To be ready. All the way ready. My past defines me just as much as my present does. And my future plans will be so much richer with love in it.

So I'll give my constant heart one more day to be scared and to do the "run and hide" thing...because after tonight, we're going out there.

Be blessed.

-Asha

Cosmic Love

She waits.

Closes her eyes and watches

pieces and parts of dreams and

real

whoosh by like comets

making her heart beat faster.

There's always the question of

why.

That in the safe space

of her mind she breathes

love like air

embraces the burn and the

fireworks

skin on fire.

But here on earth

with feet firmly and completely

planted

she freezes up.

Today and for every day

after

she opens to the pull

the drumming

the beating footsteps of them

heading her way.

Kissing past her defense

cradling without holding

igniting

feeling the air burst forth from

trembling lips

between two lungs.

No absolution is necessary...

no broken heart to mend

no history

a gentle push made

with love...

Do you know what will catch you?

You trust me, don't you?

whispers...Yes. Oh yes.

-Asha

(song by Florence + The Machine)