Bigger than Me

What do you do when you are faced with the reality of your life, the fact that, despite what you sometimes wish for, it never seems to go back to what you, in rose-colored hindsight, believe it was. When you can no longer protect the feelings of those who've only recently begun to care about yours...


I've faced some pretty crass things with a forced smile on my face.


But that's energy I no longer have to waste on stupid people.


My life is moving forward very quickly. There are loose ends to be tied up and clipped. My heart fills daily with a hundred new things.


I'm a lionness.


Now comes the time when, after taking such an intensely personal look at my life, I have to decide how much more there is left to do - or if I'm ready to graduate to the next stage of all of this...


I think I'm ready.


I've learned so much with this blog, in the actual writing, and the feedback I've gotten.


You all helped me recover myself and my joy. I wouldn't be where I am - still dreaming, breathing, hoping - if you hadn't given me the courage to be Asha.


Now I have to find the courage to be Latoya.


I haven't a clue who she is yet.


I have a sort-of role model, someone famous only slightly older than me, that I like to emulate every once in a while. She kind of did a fierce and fabulous thing, choosing to chase her dreams, to make them bigger, stronger, more important, while loving someone who loved that about her. She chose to not be scared. To put herself out there. To not just discover her passion but to allow the experiences of her life to create new passions...

That's the woman I will be.

I think it would be best to end this blog - for good - with the promise that I have become the learner I needed to be. And someone I can believe in. I'm walking forward into my life with the understanding that if I wasn't quite a bit scared, I might then be quite a bit stupid - and that's something THIS woman definitely is not.

I'll miss you beloveds.

All of you - every single beautiful one of you.

Thank you for everything.

Catch you in dreams.

<3 Yours Always,

Asha

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Follow the new blog at theverymiddleme.blogspot.com

-L.

Between Two Lungs

Ever feel that there is something you want to say, need to say, but you can't quite make it come out from between your lips? So it kind of hovers there, unspoken, unwilling to move too far just in case you grow the cojones to grab it back and spit it out?

Yeah.

I tend to fall into the "I wish I'd said/I should have said" category. I know the perfect thing to say - after the fact. Or I naively think I have oodles of time to say something, to ask something, and then I just don't.

For example. The man from my past who came into my life last year with promises galore. I'd been a little in love with him when I was 14. At 28, I was still a little in love with him. One meeting after 11 years that led to...well...ahem......stuff. Then poof dude was gone before I got a good look at him in the light. Two months of talking everyday, almost all day, then one face-to-face and he ghosted. Two months later I got a random text message with a "remember that night?" and nothing in the 10 months since. I REALLY wanted to tell him about himself lol.

Then there's the "snake" who ended up being the most honest of them all. Except for the tiny thing about being in denial. Well shit, so was I. There is an entire dictionary of words we never had the courage to say to one another. I woke up one morning recently very aware that the time I've been waiting for the opportunity to say those things will never happen. "Give it up girl - he ain't callin'".

Let's not even start on the "hamster". He's still pretty clueless. Ah. I may have to take those words to the grave...

The muse is different. The words get said - but the ears don't hear. Purposefully refuse to hear. So I let that one be...

The lion...my lion. That one hurts. He was...for a very long time he was the only thing and the everything. I'm not proud of the transferrence, but I did love him dearly. There will be a part of my heart that will always belong to only him. He knows all my secrets...well...the ones that matter any way. I may never wreck his red couch again (*smile*) but maybe one day I'll sit on it curled up with a cup of tea and listen to him read me comics, practice his rhymes, debate why Batman could take the entire Marvel Universe single-handedly...

And then.

Then there's Him.

Damn.

The man who came out of freaking nowhere and knocked me right out of my shoes. There's a thin line people - you all know this. And there is an even thinner line between distrust and "holy crap am I feeling what I think I am???"

Argh.

I was looking for love - maybe. Kind of. Not actively. And this...this might be that....

But there is still so much swirling around in the background of my life. Things that might be stumbling blocks...curveballs...

Then again - if I've ever met a man who could catch a curveball, it's this man. And he just...ROLLS with that shit. I find myself so excited to meet the woman who birthed this man, just so I can hug her and shake her hand and tell her what she's done for my faith in them.

Like. A lot.

Hmm. I still can't say it. Maybe it's because I'm not supposed to say it on a blog that he may never read. Maybe I'm supposed to say it to his face. Tonight. Trembling between my lips, forced out from between two lungs....three...little...words...

Be blessed beautiful ones. Love you.

-Asha

Song by Florence and the Machine