Waiting

This year has taught me a lot about what it means to be patient. In the past, I've had severe issues waiting on others because I felt that being proactive was the key to being successful.

Works well in business. Not so much in love.

So my lessons of the year: unemployment, homelessness, abandonment, and depression - they taught me a lot about patience. Because not one of those lessons were things I could work out on my own. I had to pray and be patient, I had to accept the fact that there is in fact a higher power who is watching out for me, and that despair is not conducive to receiving miracles. Acceptance, graciousness, and learning to say "thank you" instead of "no I've got this" is.

So, with this in mind, I'm going to ask for a little bit of beauty in this year to come. I'm going to trust that I am being protected, and that there are beautiful things ahead of me. When I feel alone and weak, sad and abandoned, I will give myself a bit of a reality check. None of those things are true. So much more is in store for me. I need to learn to be patient, to trust, to stay in my damn lane, and to wait.

Be blessed for all those I love, because this year ahead is going to be even better than the last.

Love you.

L.

Wishy washy

Lately, especially today, I've had this weird feeling that I couldn't quite put my finger on. It's as if I'm on roller skates and I've forgotten how to stop. So I can keep going until I hit a wall, I can make myself fall on my ass, or I can hope for rescue.

But I'm not someone used to being rescued.

That leaves me with two painful options.

The main thing seems to be deciphering my feelings for my lover. I know I have them. I know they are big feelings. But I'm blocked from accessing all of them, from getting comfortable enough to swim in them, get deep inside and live there with them. And I think it goes back to a conversation he and I had during the summer. He was telling me his concerns about our relationship and about me. What I took most to heart was that my need for help was exhausting, my depression was exhausting, and he was having trouble seeing me as the forever partner he thought I was.

It hurt my soul to hear it. I think I haven't figured out how to heal that yet.

I think I am living in fear of being a disappointment to him. It doesn't matter that I've been disappointed. It doesn't matter that my heart has hurt, that my soul aches from slights and phrases and knowing that someone who had no right to hurt me, did so carelessly. My brain won't see logic. It is stubborn in that surety: I am the problem. I am always the problem. I am a flawed and broken woman who can only hope to one day meet a partner who will look me upside down and inside out and go "eh. Could be worse."

Obviously I am being a smart-ass.

I don't know what this feeling in my gut is, but it's not anger. It's not rage. It's not sorrow or guilt or woe. It's not a lump of despair in my belly.

So the question then is: what the hell is it? What does it mean? Why is it there?

And where should I go from here?

L.

 

Dear Sir

Dear sir

I would like to take this opportunity

To thank you for the wonderful

Lack of bullshit you have put

Me through

You haven't lied

You haven't cheated

You haven't gone back to an ex

Behind my back

You haven't denied my existence

You haven't forgotten to love me back

You haven't taken for granted that I'll be on the shelf where you put me right before you left

Instead

You smile at me over coffee mugs

You make silly faces when I'm trying to do work

You snore a little when you sleep

You always wash my back

You remember that I have short legs and can't always keep up

You grin when I'm being about as bold and bad as a bow-legged chihuahua 

You think I'm an Amazon

You think I'm amazing

You love to see what your love does for me

Every day.

You didn't know I'd be this much fun

Or this much everything

Or everything.

But I am.

And so are you.

So I just want to say,

Thanks.

Roller coaster

Today was a weird day. Which means this will be more public diary-entry than blog. I woke up feeling slightly on edge, like I had more energy than I expected to have, and was therefore waiting for an energy crash while driving on the highway. Not only did it not happen, but today ended up being a fairly good work day.

I got a chance to really interact with my co-workers and principal. I was simply SURROUNDED by beautiful, accomplished, well-spoken Black men, causing my heart to race more than a few times, I actually learned a few things, twice I caught my principal pointing me out to others and talking about me, and at the end of it, he was smiling and said he wanted to talk to me about my future - good things.

For once it was good things :). And this was after I started having brainstorm after brainstorm about my career goals.

Did I hear from my sometime-man? Nope. Did I feel like I saw him everywhere today? Yes. Did i notice something different about this man I love and the men I met today who seem settled, content, grateful for their supportive wives, eager to return to them? Oh yes.

Then i returned home to find that my roommates had put one of their dogs to sleep. I hugged Cupcake a bit closer. I thought of my friends and family and about how far I've come and how close I'll be to making my goals if I can just find a way to survive two more weeks...

I look forward to not being in survival mode anymore.

I look forward to meeting and marrying a man like today's men were - I think I deserve as much.

I also think that, as nice as a relationship would be right now? The reality is - it really wouldn't. I'm not ready. My heart and

 head and body are still healing.

I'm no good for anyone right now. Not anyone longterm.

So I guess it's time to get used to being a party of one.

C'est la vie.

Yours,

L.

Sleepless in Summer

I was sitting on your red sofa with you

Leggings on the floor

Feet folded beneath me

Laughing

As you recounted the greatest summer of your life

A special summer

Where rated R movies

And boobies 

(Lots of boobies)

And bike rides

All the delights of your

Bestest summer ever

And I laughed

Because I pictured you

Seeing breasts for the first 

(Or second?)

Time and how big your eyes 

Must have been

Boob man.

And I laughed

Long enough for a tear to run

Down my face

And you weren't looking in my face

Lost in your memories

While I remembered my worst summer

Ever

It wasn't the one where

I nursed my cheating husband

Back to his lover's arms

Or the one I spent alone

When he left

And I had to crawl up stairs

In excruciating pain

Or the summer I was almost

Raped in my new apartment

Or the one where I raised

A hand to my mother

Or the one when I realized

That

Again...the man I was trying to love

Was trying to love another.

My worst summer just ended.

It was the summer of sleeplessness

And pain

Rage and rain and panic

Hunger and fear

Of thoughts of suicide

And pondering the value

Of my life.

It was the summer I learned

That words of love really 

Only go so far...

And I came to the conclusion that

That?

Was going to be my last

Worst

Summer.

A date

I think I would like to be in love.

Gloriously and ridiculously in love.

With someone who is just the same,

If not more,

With me.

But I will settle for now because

This love in my heart is overflowing

And cannot wait for the "right" person

To mosey on over.

So if you'll let me

I would like to love you.

For a season or two.

You'll find that I am quite good at it

The loving part.

I am sweet and kind and I listen

Always.

I am thoughtful and supportive and

I will make you laugh.

You will feel special

You will feel adored

You will feel beloved - and you will be.

But you will not be forever.

Just someone who will let me love them - beautifully

For a season.

Stop

I feel like we keep looking at our reflections in the mirror.

It's the same fear

Shared between two people

Who have been there and felt that.

I get mad when you tell me

Your worries

Then it hurts when I start

Worrying about the same

Shit.

Shit

I'm tired of this round and round

Shit.

I know who I am.

I am the most who I am

When I am with you.

And you know that

Reflects you too.

You told me I could

Shave my head 

And still be the baddest bitch

You know.

I said if you grew a crazy

Beard and became

A hermit

I'd still love the shit 

Out of you.

So we can laugh

And we can share

And be quiet

And be loud

And breathe heavy

And dream big

And travel

And grow

And fuck

And survive

And love as only we do

If we can stop the bull

Just stop the shit

Just stop the fear

Just stop fucking worrying about

Things we shouldn't be wasting time

Worrying about.

Just stop the madness

Just stop trying to fight the gravity that keeps pulling us together 

Just stop fighting fate - you know who you belong to dammit

Just stop with the Plan B and C and all the fucking letters that are in between

U and I

Just stop letting people try to

Tell us what our love should look like

What it should feel like

And what it is.

Just stop - for me baby.

Just

Pour vous

Tu me manqué

Je t'aime

J'ai besoin de vous embrasser

M'appartenir

Not Love

I'm starting to wonder if my heart has frozen shut... It would be understandable given what I've put it through in the last few years. Walking around all open, with the equivalent of a "kick me" sign on its back. A friend once told me that I couldn't put my whole self into a relationship. It would leave me devastated - every time, with every ending.

I listened but I didn't know how to do it. 

I also thought that it would be like cheating. How could I expect to be loved fully if I refused to love fully? 

Trust in love. Trust your heart. Trust the timing. 

I wish now that I had learned that lesson he'd been kindly trying to teach me.

It wouldn't have hurt as much. And I wouldn't feel so numb now.

Growing up you read the stories, you listen to the tales, you watch the movies, you listen to and memorise the songs that promise that all you need is love. That, through love, happiness is within your reach. 

I think, given those rules, I am overdue a bit of love and happiness.

With Danny... I should have taken his dad's advice. I remember him asking me if I loved his son. And I answered truthfully that I did. Then he said "don't love him too much. He's like me." I didn't understand what he was trying to tell me, that, hearing the love in my voice, he was trying to do me a kindness, help me to guard myself. But I was oblivious, so "in love" I felt confident and secure. I didn't feel the best about myself, I got sad because my dreams were dying all around me - but I had LOVE. What else did I need.

One thing, in hindsight, I needed? A husband who could keep his dick in his pants. Who didn't lie so cleanly to me without remorse. Who loved me in return.

So that's been my m.o. I like, I love, I'm shattered, I'm alone. And all because somewhere along the way I wasn't told that just because you love someone, just because they may "love" you too - it doesn't mean they won't ever try to break you.

It doesn't mean they won't reveal your soft and vulnerable belly to the knife of the world just out of curiosity.

My last relationship... I wonder if he hurt me to see if he still could. Whether I would let him back into my life a third time, even knowing the history, that I would find and feel love for him again. Whether I could forgive that much.

The answers were all yes.

And he slit me open and left me gasping, hurting, and wondering why I couldn't just die.

Love may be too hard for me to accomplish in my life. At least the kind I have felt for others. The kind I assumed I would one day experience myself...

But I think my heart has given up on love.

Maybe it's finally decided to be smart.

L.

Work in Progress, evolve in Grace

I saw a quote on Pinterest the other night that I felt sums up the major issue of my last two relationships. The idea that a person must be perfectly and harmoniously complete before being an acceptable relationship partner. I've always felt this was bullshit. When are we not growing, changing, failing, recovering, doing, being? Even the most superficially set people are constantly striving for betterment. I have several people who I look up to, and none of them are at a place in their life where they are saying "you know what? I've fulfilled my destiny. I am a total and complete success in everything I've ever wanted to do. I no longer need to push and strive and grow because I've got it all down." 

Mainly because they aren't liars or completely obtuse about the journey that life is.

Most recently, my heart was hurt when the person I loved told me in many words that, while I was loved, I was not enough. It didn't matter that I have strength enough to do what is necessary even when it is hard. That I am resourceful, passionate, hopeful, driven. That I can be both a realist and an optimist. Extremely serious, and wonderfully playful. That I am a nurturer, I love big and deep, I am wildly open, expressive, and sensual. That I know how to commit - for life - with my whole heart. That I am more than just a good woman. That I have my partner's back, front, and sides. 

There is so much to me. And there will be so much more. I may be working on my dreams - a lot of dreams - and maybe I won't fulfill them all. But I understand that what is for me, will happen as I continue to strive. I know that in my soul. 

I hit bottom. I bounce back. Sometimes it takes longer than others, but it's true nonetheless. And who do you know is living a full life without ups and downs? I think that's impossible.

Anyway.

I believe that a person who truly loves someone will understand and adhere to the quote below. And if you can't, please, get the hell out of the way of someone who can.

Be blessed.

L.

It just keeps getting bigger

You make a choice for your life, to be fearless, to take a risk, to make a leap. Sometimes it's for you and your happy. Sometimes someone else is your motivation. In my case, it was both. When I left Charlotte in 2011, I knew that it was not what my heart wanted. Yes my job was crap. Yes my relationship was too - a lot of back and forth wishy-washy that was wreaking havoc on my heart. I needed to heal and I thought that running home was the best way for that to happen.

It wasn't. Good and bad happened when I returned. I still haven't quite recovered from it all. 

But when I started seriously planning to return, finally, after years of pining for Charlotte, there was someone motivating me when things got hard.

He told me that things would be better when we were in the same city. He told me he loved me, and would be with me through my struggle and my mess. He assured me that, broken as I was, he would not waver - that he would help me regain myself. He said he would make me his.

Words are nice. They're motivators. Especially when the person you'd committed to was refusing to love you at all. Wrapped in his frustration, inadequacies, and anger - he blocked me out of his life and his heart until I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was alone. It didn't mean I didn't love him. It just meant I knew that I wasn't going to be loved by him...

I used my time to try to heal my heart, forgive him, and plan my move.

Things did not magically fall into place, the closer this move came to fruition. I was terminated from my job on the last day of school. No warnings, no reason. I cried but I kept my head up because I knew I was coming to better. That I wouldn't be alone - and I definitely would be loved.

Then there was controversy with my apartment. Resulting in a solid plan becoming a shaky one. My friends held me up - reminding me that, once I got here, everything would be in place. Love was waiting for me. And, truly, what is stronger than love?

Indeed.

What is stronger than love.

Apparently, it's self-preservation. 

I know that my life right now is super-shitty. I don't have a steady job or stable income. I don't have a solid roof over my head and I'm traveling with the majority of my belongings in a car. I've eaten so much ramen I've given myself a stomach irritation, and yet, even that would be better than my current situation, knowing that I spent my last dollar on a sandwich four hours ago, it's Saturday, and I won't have any more money until hopefully Monday. I think I remember how to ignore my hunger.

And the love. The promised love that was absolutely positively waiting for me here and yes you can trust in that love because words can't express how much I love you and I want to be with you always and I miss you so much and it's so hard to be so far I wish we were closer so I could hold you and make you feel better because you are so beautiful and you belong to me say it you belong to me...

That has me feeling like I may be the side chick. 

Even my dog is gone.

There is no love, no marriage, no babies, no roof, no food, no hope...and I am trying to hold myself together.

But it's hard.

My heart hurts and it's hard and I wish it would stop being so damn hard. I was driving yesterday hoping for a miracle and heard way too many love songs. And I thought "I'm not a bad person. I help people at the expense of myself. I give shoulders to cry on and foot rubs to old ladies and kisses to babies and hugs to dogs. I build up children that I didn't give birth to. I give my last dime to help people because I could go without the sandwich for the night - but how many nights had it been for that guy begging out near the cemetery?"

I don't have any answers. I'm sure some of my friends are avoiding me right now because they don't like the sad vibes and they're worried my bad luck might rub off...

It's ok. I get it.

It wouldn't be in me to do, but then self preservation has never been something I put before being helpful. I don't know how. Maybe my brain is wired wrong.

I'm going to try to sleep soon so I can avoid thinking too much about what is going on. Not the healthiest of behaviors, but at least I won't feel this buzzing in my head.

Somebody send me some positive energy please.

L.

Lost

I know what you're doing

Commitment-phobic

Want what you want when

It's not yours to have

And mistreat it when it's

Freely given

When did you become this?

Were you always this?

Flawed and broken

And lesser than me?

I know what you're doing

Even when I'm lost 

In this 

Alone in this

Scared as shit in

This.

I was vulnerable 

And you

You were my hero

My difference

My proof

My man.

But now

Now Motherfucker

I know what you're doing.

Six Little Things

Love in the dark

It started with the thunder

The wind

The smell of ozone in the air.

She didn't feel like smiling

Or laughing.

And he

He was silent but aware.

Moments on top of

Moments of unrest

And missed satisfaction

Had a drumming song running

Down her spine

She kept her thighs together 

And waited.

It wouldn't be day.

There wouldn't be sunlight

Streaming past shades.

There would be shadows on the walls

And firelight.

And women's voices

Directing shit.

He would bow.

Not because he was below her.

Kings bow to no one

But their queens.

She would open

And release control

Submit.

In love and in trust.

Drowned in decadence.

The woman would keep

Her eyes open

On him.

He would close his,

Shutting out the world

Focusing on her breathes

And beats.

Smoke on the water

Low sounds

Drums

And bass

Him and

Her

And love

In the dark.

Countdown

For almost three years I've been aching to get back to North Carolina. I had a beautiful time there. I found myself. I fell in love. There's so much that happened while I was there that it would take more than just this little blog to tell you. I have literally been counting the days until I have Charlotte in my sights again...

But for the past two days? 

It's weird. My doubts have come back full force. I no longer know how things are going to work out. I don't have faith that they will. I feel a whole lot of scared and alone and worried that I'm allowing myself to be made a fool of...

Why can't I just go with the flow on this? Relax and know that, no matter what happens, I'll be okay?

I'm still alive and kicking. So there's that. And maybe it will be difficult. And maybe he won't love me like he said he would. Maybe it will take forever to find a job. Maybe I won't be able to start school in the spring. Maybe I'll be alone for a while.

The sparse people I knew three years ago have had all that time to grow and change and settle into their lives - without me. So, really, why would they need me back in them?

Damn this is a negative post.

I think it's because I feel so negative. And naked. And unsure.

Every single thing I've wanted? Possible. It's all possible. And I'm scared to death of that.

Because just like everything could go wrong... What if it didn't? What would I do if, suddenly, for once in my life, everything went right?

What if I love the job enough to make a career? What if he asks me to be his wife? What if, this time next year, I'm planning my baby shower? What if I get a scholarship for school and become an awesome guidance counselor? What if I use my summers to travel and write novels and drink wine with my funny, sexy, creative husband who is not easily impressed but still thinks I'm amazing, and I love my life so much?

Ready or not. Change is coming to my life. I think it's my duty to ride out an meet it.

Besos.

L.

Shaking things up - and letting them settle

So much has happened in the space since my last post. A man in my life left, a lion returned, and I found the beginnings of "home" deep within myself where my heart lives.

It's interesting to feel my roots as an extension of me, a place I can carry wherever I wander - no matter how far.

That solidness has led to more art - in the form of songs that won't quit haunting me. Almost like that one character a writer releases from their mind, that sets up camp and refuses to go unrecognised. I hear the songs in my head, I bump along to them on my drives, and whenever it is time to sleep - I write them down. The solitary painting that has come out of this time was of the "selfie" variety. 

But hey, if you're going to do a nude... Right? 

So - I released someone who was already walking out of my life, creating his own path after having been supported physically, emotionally, and financially for two years...and it was interesting. I felt hurt. I felt anger. I felt used. But I also felt done. No unfinished business, no lingering feelings, nothing other than an honest wish for his happiness and wellness. Growth? Or more than that?

I believe it had more to do with the return of my lion.

We go through so much alone, especially as we navigate through adulthood. We become "experts" on ourselves, and we speak as experts about the rules that we follow, what we will and will not do. I had a "no redos" rule when it came to relationships. I don't like to look backward. When we are done - we're done.

I neglected to investigate what would happen if we were never really "done". I lied to myself. Said we were. Told myself there was no way... 

Then I shook my head at myself and admitted my folly.

I am in love. Going on seven years of being in love. I fell in love before I was free to. And because of this, I could never truly be in love with anyone else.

I entertained daydreams about everafters with others. I can think of at least one that was extremely attractive to me...

But you knew. Even if I didn't or maybe I just wouldn't admit it. 

We belong together - you and I.

I started this blog as a way to see into myself, to be free and honest with my emotions, to love my flaws and celebrate my joys. 

And I am not ashamed to admit to there being a recurring theme - a major character.

We've been down more than up.

We've fought ourselves and each other and circumstances and the universe.

And the universe has, once again, placed us on the same path.

I don't know where it goes.

I don't care where it goes.

I just know that knowing you're on it - I will move forever forward.

Constantly. Affectionately. Loyally. Completely.

I love you Deangelo.

That is all.

Yours - always.

L.

All of Me

In the last month I've felt like a sore thumb...or maybe like the pinky toe you try your best not to stub against the coffee table again but it just keeps on happening. When you fall into love and move past the glowy, rose-hued stages, and you've been in love before, you might find yourself feeling hella vulnerable.

It's a naked feeling - putting your heart out there to be handled as someone else see's fit. If I could have - I think I would have avoided having to do that... But I think that is part of the danger of love - the act of faith.

Here is my heart, please don't break it

- I promise I'll care the same.

Vulnerable. Naked. Fragile. Self-conscious. The craziness of love and feeling like a madwoman, frustrated and trying to protect a heart that no longer belongs to me...

But I don't really have to...do I.

I don't need to be protected from you.

Because - in my bones, in the deepest, truest part of me - I know that you are not going to hurt me. That I mean more than I know. To you. For you.

I dream of different "homecoming" scenarios. Where you, my best friend, meet me on a level playing field. I've made the journey, you've kept my heart safe. And we walk into each other's arms and I know.

I used to believe that home was not a place - that it was a person. A person who knows all the ins and outs and good and bad and loves you for all of it. Maybe I still believe.

It's scary, with my constant heart being so far, and me here, alone, trying to make it work...and trying to trust the journey.

I may struggle today, probably tomorrow too. But, in the end? 

It will happen. And I will love you, every day, every second, for the rest of my life.

All of you.

Yours,

L.

Diamonds are forever

I may have suffered from low self-esteem for the majority of my life, second-guessing myself, using negative self-speech, that sort of thing growing girls get In the bad habit of doing to themselves. It was hard to believe that anyone could feel differently about me. I have to admit I was pretty hard on myself. Even at 18 and engaged I still wasn't sure if I really was worth the trouble of someone being in love with me. I knew I had baggage a lot of baggage... That alone made me want to hide in the background of my relationship. There was a part of me that told myself that because of my baggage I didn't deserve to be front and center, loved and adored, or cherished for all that I was.

Honestly I didn't know what I was.

A month or so after I got married I went to school and met up with my husband. It was one of those long days where we were late at school and ready to go home. We were not settling into marriage well, probably because of the grieving that we still hadn't done. I know I've talked about my wedding day before and the disaster that it was so I'm not going to rehash all of that. But I will save that for the people who showed up it was definitely a night to remember. 

Notice I didn't say fondly remember.

One of the professors from the school where we worked showed up at the wedding. He was well respected and pretty much the only real adult there that wasn't family. It meant a lot that he showed up and participated regardless of how ridiculous the whole thing was. We were two kids playing at being grown-up and we really had no business being there.

Anyway this professor saw us in the hall looking very very tired. I think he had some pity for us because we were really trying to do something impossible. He pulled us both into his office and sat us down and started talking to us. He asked how school was, how married life was and how we were. I remember feeling uncomfortable because I felt so out of place in my marriage.

Then this kindly man turned to my husband and told him "this woman right here? She deserves diamonds. You need to get working on that."

My husband started laughing nervously, like it was some kind of joke, but that professor was very serious...

And I never forgot that. 

He barely knew me but he'd seen what I'd gone through the previous couple of months trying to make sure that we survived. It was hard. It was hellacious. I would not be defeated no matter how much it hurt.

And I kind of started believing it.

I wasn't like any girl. I was determined. I was fierce. I was the force that would make sure that we survived. And we did survive... college. 

We probably could have survived the infidelity too. And the lying. And all the other stuff. But not so much being abandoned. That unfortunately we could not survive.

I went around for a long time after wondering what my worth was. I thought perhaps the professor have been wrong. Maybe I wasn't different. Maybe I wasn't worth that.

But I am. That and so much more. The good Professor had it right. One day, maybe soon, someone will see that. Someone will recognize just who I am.

A woman who deserves diamonds and kingdoms and wars fought in her honor. A woman who's not afraid to pick up the sword herself to fight for what and who she believes in.

Guess we'll just have to see.

Xoxo,

L.