It's funnier now. At 15, when I met Danny, I wanted to be in love so much that I damn near orchestrated the whole thing. It worked. He liked me back. We tumbled into love as only the young can, with blinders on and the best of intentions. I know now that it should never have led to marriage. We were babies, we had no clue who we were, what we wanted out of our lives and ourselves, or of what questions need to be asked before you pledge your eternal love to another soul.
It takes more than love. Whoever said "love is all you need" needs to be shot.
Anyway, the more I look back into my first major relationship, the more I recognize the wrong. He was a narcissist. Still is. I was unhappy, with self-worth and self-esteem issues. He was superficial. I was an ambivert with social anxiety disorder.
Obviously not the best of mixes.
So when I met Deangelo, the artistic, the deep, the kooky, the passionate, I thought he was such the antithesis of the man I had spent 14 years trying to love, it just had to work out. Cut to six years later, where I've gone from having someone I felt strongly enough for that I moved states, to having someone in the peripheral of my life who could stay as a friend or leave as an enemy, and the most I will feel is temporarily sad. That's what happens when someone bases their relationship behavior on the other person happily sitting on a shelf, twiddling their thumbs, waiting and hoping that, when the timing is finally right, they'll be the ones chosen...
Yeah.
No thanks.
I remind my students, whenever they get wrapped up in someone making them do this or get upset about that, that they are a person, not a puppet. I let myself be one for six years, I let my heart get broken three times. I think getting off that ride was one of the smartest things I've ever done.
In between, there was Donald. Just the mention of his name makes people close to me curl their upper lips. I don't think he is a bad person. I think he needs to learn empathy and compassion. I hope he learned a bit from me, but I am honestly not about to check. He fucked with my head. And with my heart. I'm still licking those wounds.
There were others. Christian. Sonny. Kat. Mike. A list of names from people who came into my life to either shine a light or attempt to blow one out.
I survived. I learned. I'm growing.
I told myself "Self? We keep talking about being lonely, feeling alone, but isn't it time we took some proactive action on finding a solution? Might be a good idea."
So, not for the first time, I signed up for online dating. Not because I was mad at someone like the first time. Not because I was feeling desperate like the second.
More so because I thought that somewhere in this city, there just HAD to be someone who wasn't repulsed by the thought of holding hands in public. Of kissing my forehead. Of laughing at my corny jokes.
Then I prayed. I put the situation into God's hands, for better or for worse, and entered my credit card number.
Today, I cancelled my memberships. All of them. I deleted numbers and names and pictures. I cleaned my house just a bit and allowed myself to dream...
Of him.
He is...amazing. The analogy I've been using is that, around the time I was born, there was this huge baby boom, so God got a little backed up in the matching soul mate to soul mate department. This back log meant that my soul mate was born a few years late. Probably the equivalent of leaving work on your desk on a Friday afternoon and coming back Monday morning like "Fuck! Why didn't I finish this crap on Friday?"
Anyway. 😊
I am a smiling fool. I am dreaming of big things. I am believing words that are backed up with actions. I am accepting promises. I am, very tentatively, holding out my heart so that he can take a peek. He says he will keep telling me and showing me how beautiful I am until I believe it. If this is game, it's past the point where he needs to continue it to get what he wants...
I think that what he really wants? Is me. All of me.
Smiling again. Sweet Jesus that man is a miracle.
He isn't perfect. He doesn't always say the right words, but his intent and the emotions behind are 100% crystal clear. We find ourselves struggling to keep our love words at bay, because it is so very early yet.
However.
The fact that this man, in a week, has both touched my heart and romanced my mind more than anyone else has in the past 14 years? That's important. That's a real feeling that I both acknowledge and embrace.
Why shouldn't i allow myself to be loved the way I've always wanted to be, regardless of the time limit? Why should I refuse to act my natural, authentic self, without fear of rejection?
Why shouldn't I be Queen to this King?
And - for you, Demetrius - whenever I finally allow you to read this: you are blowing my mind and unchaining my heart. For that alone, I will cherish this and you. Your heart is safe. And don't you worry about a thing.
