Dear Sir

Dear sir

I would like to take this opportunity

To thank you for the wonderful

Lack of bullshit you have put

Me through

You haven't lied

You haven't cheated

You haven't gone back to an ex

Behind my back

You haven't denied my existence

You haven't forgotten to love me back

You haven't taken for granted that I'll be on the shelf where you put me right before you left

Instead

You smile at me over coffee mugs

You make silly faces when I'm trying to do work

You snore a little when you sleep

You always wash my back

You remember that I have short legs and can't always keep up

You grin when I'm being about as bold and bad as a bow-legged chihuahua 

You think I'm an Amazon

You think I'm amazing

You love to see what your love does for me

Every day.

You didn't know I'd be this much fun

Or this much everything

Or everything.

But I am.

And so are you.

So I just want to say,

Thanks.

Roller coaster

Today was a weird day. Which means this will be more public diary-entry than blog. I woke up feeling slightly on edge, like I had more energy than I expected to have, and was therefore waiting for an energy crash while driving on the highway. Not only did it not happen, but today ended up being a fairly good work day.

I got a chance to really interact with my co-workers and principal. I was simply SURROUNDED by beautiful, accomplished, well-spoken Black men, causing my heart to race more than a few times, I actually learned a few things, twice I caught my principal pointing me out to others and talking about me, and at the end of it, he was smiling and said he wanted to talk to me about my future - good things.

For once it was good things :). And this was after I started having brainstorm after brainstorm about my career goals.

Did I hear from my sometime-man? Nope. Did I feel like I saw him everywhere today? Yes. Did i notice something different about this man I love and the men I met today who seem settled, content, grateful for their supportive wives, eager to return to them? Oh yes.

Then i returned home to find that my roommates had put one of their dogs to sleep. I hugged Cupcake a bit closer. I thought of my friends and family and about how far I've come and how close I'll be to making my goals if I can just find a way to survive two more weeks...

I look forward to not being in survival mode anymore.

I look forward to meeting and marrying a man like today's men were - I think I deserve as much.

I also think that, as nice as a relationship would be right now? The reality is - it really wouldn't. I'm not ready. My heart and

 head and body are still healing.

I'm no good for anyone right now. Not anyone longterm.

So I guess it's time to get used to being a party of one.

C'est la vie.

Yours,

L.

Sleepless in Summer

I was sitting on your red sofa with you

Leggings on the floor

Feet folded beneath me

Laughing

As you recounted the greatest summer of your life

A special summer

Where rated R movies

And boobies 

(Lots of boobies)

And bike rides

All the delights of your

Bestest summer ever

And I laughed

Because I pictured you

Seeing breasts for the first 

(Or second?)

Time and how big your eyes 

Must have been

Boob man.

And I laughed

Long enough for a tear to run

Down my face

And you weren't looking in my face

Lost in your memories

While I remembered my worst summer

Ever

It wasn't the one where

I nursed my cheating husband

Back to his lover's arms

Or the one I spent alone

When he left

And I had to crawl up stairs

In excruciating pain

Or the summer I was almost

Raped in my new apartment

Or the one where I raised

A hand to my mother

Or the one when I realized

That

Again...the man I was trying to love

Was trying to love another.

My worst summer just ended.

It was the summer of sleeplessness

And pain

Rage and rain and panic

Hunger and fear

Of thoughts of suicide

And pondering the value

Of my life.

It was the summer I learned

That words of love really 

Only go so far...

And I came to the conclusion that

That?

Was going to be my last

Worst

Summer.