Anti-Venom...

I will be the first to admit that - when angry - I sometimes say things I shouldn't say. Not because I don't mean them and not because they aren't true...but because saying them publicly is not something I am 100% comfortable with.

So, yeah.

I spent some time yesterday with my friend's two daughters - because for me, being around children forces me to continue living where my emotions are pushing for a full stop. For a while I thought I could achieve the same through alcohol...nope. Working out, therapy, shopping, writing, painting, yoga - all great for a quick heart-fix. But when it comes to lasting effects, something to force me off my ass and back into the real world, there is nothing like being surrounded by the growing potential of a child.

Some people think that your potential for greatness fades the older you get. I'm guilty of thinking that way myself sometimes. But a child... every day their light gets brighter. Their possibilities double, triple...

I have to start thinking of myself, my own life, in the same matter. Full of possibilities, and with each day, my potential for greatness getting better, my light getting brighter.

Yesterday I felt like I was about to have that light snuffed out. I felt myself closing up, pulling into myself where I could guarantee my own safety... I just wanted to sleep, lose myself in friendly and loving dreams.

But those two little girls. One like an imp, all dimples and mischief. The other - so like me at her age its ridiculous. There is no way to block out the light of a loved child. It sings to your own, forces it out into the day, grabs it by the hand and plays "ring-around-the-rosy" with it...

One of the things I tell myself I have to look forward to is having children of my own. Being a mother. Finishing all of my novels. Travelling the world. Owning my cafe. Having a wonderfully supportive husband who is just mature enough but with a bit of their own childish heart left so that we can play together with our kids, making them laugh and giggle and showing them what love and life can be...

I remember my heart. Remember my brain too - not left, not right, but smack dab in the middle so my possibilities are endless. I remember who I have been and to be excited about who I still can be -tonight, tomorrow, twenty years from now.

I will be a woman that my family and friends can be proud of. One my children and husband can be proud of... who I can be proud of.

And, with that said, here's to letting go of the past, if not completely with the grace I hoped I would have, at least without venom.

Peace.
-Asha