Pretty Wings...

In the process of doing a self-examination, which is ironic seeing as how this was the original reason for this blog. That it would take over a year for me to open up and look at the nitty-gritty of it all is both interesting and illuminating to me.

I was under a whole heap of self-denial.

What I am most aware of is that, while I was in complete awareness of my reasons for leaving Charlotte, somewhere along the line, I talked myself into believing they were something else.

They weren't.

I left Charlotte because of love. Not for love but because of it. Running away from it while trying to simultaneously more closely examine it. I both wanted it to be and needed to try and kill it, out of a desire to protect this heart of mine.

Yep, that was stupid.

I got on the plane to Miami initially feeling scared but pushing through anyway. I don't know what game I was playing at, but I needed to put myself to the test. And maybe put the one I loved to the same.

When I drove away from Charlotte, dog and bed and shoes all packed up, I was not even out of the state before I realized how big a part of myself I had left behind...

Indeed. Stupid.

There is a song that plays on my phone whenever he calls, one that I put on there months ago as a reminder to not create attachments, to be prepared, at a moment's notice, to let him go if need be. Instead, I hear the line about "the day you will remember me"...and my heart smiles every single time it rings.

On my first night in Miami - I dreamt of the day we met. How I really felt on that day when I looked up to see this man smiling at me. Alone, confused, and out-of-place, something in my soul went "uh-oh". Realized recently I hadn't fooled anyone as far as keeping what I felt a secret. Shit, even my students knew something was up.

I didn't make chocolate treats for just anyone.

But how do you rectify feeling your soul move when you meet a person, to now, nearly four years later, finding yourself in a hopelessly proven situation? We may never have strayed from the friend path, but in my secret heart I always knew I had moved beyond "friendly"...

I used to daydream, sitting out in the fields, watching him run around, that one day maybe...something would happen.

Almost three years and something did happen.

I don't feel a bit of regret for what is in my heart now - or even what was in it then. That was a very unloving life I was living, holding onto pieces of my relationship that was already beyond broken. I didn't know we would be where we are...or that you would mean so much.

And, my love, you do indeed mean so much.

Every single day of my life there is more there...and it is important. And real. And beautiful.

And I wanted you to know that, however long it takes, you were right all along. Distance doesn't change your feelings. It has only grown mine. So if you are reading this, if you ever read this, know that I love you. With everything that I am.

-Yours,
Latoya

(song by Maxwell)