After Tonight

It's strange, I think, to notice the people around me coupling up, coming to that place in life where long-terms, and marriages, and babies start to become the norm. Especially for and from those same people who swore up and down to never embrace that. The stranger part is dealing with my own fear of those things...

Probably comes from marrying too soon and divorcing not soon enough.

I look over at him sometimes and think "wow. I loved you with everything I had. Where did all of that go?" He's oblivious, locked into his own world, one that doesn't need to include me...and I think I'm okay with that. It's strange though. Knowing every mole and scrape and scar and fear of a person you are no longer allowed to touch.

One of the random things I think about.

I'm okay with the random - occasionally those thoughts lead to inspiration, which is great for my writing and my art and my music.

I've been in this weird state mentally, where my subconscious seems to be saying "it's time! Can't you feel it? It's definitely time." Which makes me want to pull a crab (re: Cancer), and scuttle back into the safety of my home until the universe stops whispering for a while.

How can it be time to move forward when parts of me are still stuck in the past?

Maybe the better question is why do I believe it is 100% necessary to be done with the past in order to move forward towards my future? Time on this plane seems to be linear. Every day you move forward, not backwards. I age a bit more every day and, save the gray hairs, I'm okay with that...

So why be scared?

I have so much to be grateful for. I sometimes feel so moved I throw out a prayer or a bless up in my heart out into the universe. After years of feeling these odds stacked against me like dominoes, I'm starting to see the whole picture...

It's bigger than I thought. Perhaps bigger than I could have dreamed for myself.

But back to love.

I am quite sure that the next person I say "I love you" to, is going to be the person I spend every day after that proving it to. And vice-versa, because I will not settle for less. No "half-love", no "inconvenient love"...no "I love you but..."

So I'm being picky. And moving forward. And making plans for my life that do not include the possibility of a partner. Because whoever that person may be, they're getting here as fast as they can...

My goal? For when they get here? To be ready. All the way ready. My past defines me just as much as my present does. And my future plans will be so much richer with love in it.

So I'll give my constant heart one more day to be scared and to do the "run and hide" thing...because after tonight, we're going out there.

Be blessed.

-Asha