...Remember When things.
I don't know why, but recently I've started to realize that not only am I fabulous (actually "fucking fabulous"), but there is a reason why some women have started to tell my ex lovers "contact who you want, talk to you want...just not HER".
Which I think is hilarious.
I have never set out to make anyone uncomfortable, to hurt any one...and in the process I've fallen on my sword quite a few times to preserve the pride of someone else.
Thing is...I've got quite a bit of pride myself.
Specifically, in knowing that, there will always be a little part of every past lover's mind that will wander to me every now and then, wonder what I'm up to, think about the things I excelled at...
I got a call the other day. And it started with "the blue walls". Now, I try to keep this blog PG-13 so I can't tell you exactly what that means, but I sure as hell smiled. "Mmm-hmm. Triple time," I replied.
But even though I don't have any angry lovers out there (hmm...actually that may no longer be true as of yesterday, but whatever), it doesn't mean that I haven't had those stinging moments we go through when we realize we have been replaced with a downgrade.
You know what I mean.
Some random that you know won't last the month, or if they do, it's because they got knocked up with what you better hope is your kid.
Damn I hate that shit.
Happens though. I smile, back off, send a baby gift.
Secretly though? If I really liked you?
Check the title. With a basketball player. With a definite upgrade that makes you question yourself. Because I do have a vindictive side sometimes...
Hmm. I may need to take a closer look at that.
A lover of mine contacted me...actually has been contacting me for a month or so. Making noise about us "trying again." What I remember is me being the one doing all the "trying". He was doing all the "taking". He was privileged to have the perks of a relationship, without having to commit. So when he told me that I wasn't what he wanted, I felt everything in me break in half. I screamed. I cried for hours, unable to breathe fully. He was the one person I trusted to never hurt me, and he did...he really did.
When my life took some very horrible turns after that, I was even more aware of the fact that he had abandoned me. I was aware that when things got horrible - he got gone.
And that I needed and deserved someone willing to be there through thick and thin, for better or for worse. Someone I won't have to occasionally wish ill will upon.
I'm human dammit.
Anyway.
I need to stop writing, and experience what is going on in my life. There are very good things happening, some scary. But here we go. I believe wholeheartedly in karma, so I'm sure those who need to be taught a lesson for hurting a pure heart will get theirs. I'm not going to worry about it anymore.
Hold onto love. It's precious and brings you closer to yourself. Don't neglect it. Don't take it for granted...it may never go away, but the person who feels it may.
Yours,
Asha
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