Baby Love

I ended up in the hospital last week after what was clearly a stressful July, given the state of my home life and potential work options. After being well and truly scared by doctors and nurses alike, I decided that the time had come to stop being afraid of motherhood, and the responsibilities that come with it. I realized that all big decisions concerning not just myself, but also my son, would be deferred only to me - and that was frightening...

I am not known as the most decisive of people.

But if it came to it, to having to make the decision of whether or not to continue care on my possibly premature son, or to allow for a closure to his life and suffering, there would be no room for hesitation.

I honestly expected that my motherhood journey would begin when we met - face-to-face - in the delivery room. I have since realized that I've been his mother since I first decided he would be my baby.

I love him. I did not know I could grow love within my body, especially after years of self-hate and loathing. I did not know the lengths I could go to in order to preserve that love... But I have. And I will continue to do so because he is so worth it...the idea that I will get to know this person, created in me, blessed to me, is too wonderful to deny.

I always knew that I would love my children. But I had no idea how big this love could grow.

- L.