Growing up I had a fascination with holidays - mainly because I wasn't allowed to celebrate any of them. I wondered how it would feel to give and receive gifts on special days, to follow traditions cultivated over the years, to feel a sense of unity within all cultures because of a certified "Holy Day". I was most interested - a bit selfishly I might add - in birthdays. I remember parents popping into classrooms with cake and juice, singing "Happy Birthday", and someone, for that one day, getting to make a wish...
My secret is that every year, on my birthday, even when I wasn't able to celebrate it, I always made a wish for myself. Sometimes it was that my birthday could magically move to during the school year so that I could celebrate it with my friends. Sometimes it was that my mother would have a change of heart and I could finally have that birthday party I always wanted...
Sometimes it was for a kiss.
Two nights ago I celebrated the birth of one of my new/old friends. An amazing woman with a light in her that I am in awe of. She's a little thing - physically. Kind of like a Puerto Rican fairy :). But she has strength - of heart, of character... And as I watched her get her "Single Ladies" dance on, I made a wish for her. To have love come into her life. A growing, embracing, incredible love. She deserves it...
And then I looked at myself and asked "why is it so much easier now to make wishes for others? Don't I deserve a little 'birthday magic' too?"
Out of all the things that I believe in - both magical and mundane - I find it is hardest sometimes to believe that I deserve something great in my life. It is easy for me to see the potential, the glow, in other people, but when it comes to myself - I can talk the talk, but I don't believe it.
Trying to be better about that. I thank the Divine every day for what has come into my life in the last six months, both people-wise and experience-wise. I believe in the magic of moments - and I have had some of the most wonderful moments of my life within such a short period of time. Much of it required uncommon action on my part - so I wonder if I continue with said action, who is to say that the magic moments will stop? I'm thinking about that part at least.
Today is my 28th birthday. I may have awoken with a bitch of a hangover, but I plan to ride this out until midnight. I want to watch the stars and make my birthday wishes - yes plural. I want to say my private birthday prayer - which is kind of like a wish but mostly a really big Thank you that I am still here, alive, kicking, breathing, shining... There may not be any cake to share, but my love for you all is boundless - plus, no sugar crash :).
(Fair warning for all haters - move the fuck on. I plan to rock this life of mine, no matter what you try to throw at me. That's the only one you get, so take it serious.)
One time for all the Cancer girls!!! Muah!
Always and Forever,
-Asha
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