There is a place in Charlotte, kind of looks like a warehouse or something, called "Dammit Janet". No shit, that's really the name. I don't know what goes on there but whenever I see the sign I want to pull over and find out... haven't had the time yet.
I've been in Miami for five days. I've done almost no homework. I've cried A LOT. I've sung out my frustrations with Alanis Morissette during karaoke. I've been drinking like a fish. I've visited my son's grave. I've been hugged and sent love by some of the most amazing women I know. I've looked at my mother and finally seen her for the woman she is...and realized that I can truly love her, because flaws breed character and forgiveness is divine...and I looked into the eyes of the boy I've loved all my life, and did not feel negative, did not feel hurt, understood what the situation is with no room for bs, and accepted it. The love is still there. Will always be there - but at this point in my life, I need more, deserve more, than affection based on lots of years. I want someone to be madly, totally in love with me. So we're knocking on door number 2 there...
Side-tracked - sorry. There's a lot jumbled up in my head.
I've been staying with a friend - a girl who I've loved forever, my soul sista. And she has reminded me, almost on a daily basis, of the girl I was before - pre-marriage, pre-sex, pre-complications. Even then, way back when, I was Asha...just didn't know it yet. I had the female version of swag :). I was flirty and interesting and nerdy and a little hopelessly adorable. I had crooked glasses, a bright green jacket, a huge heart, and a hunger...to be more, to succeed, to dare.
It's one of the reasons I am so glad I reconnected with old friends and continue to do so. They help me remember that there was so much to me, even then, before I let a man take over my life. Dammit I was feisty!
In fact, I've been a bit feisty since I stepped onto Miami soil... I remember that when I was that girl so many years ago, my goal was to be sexy as Janet Jackson, savvy as Oprah, and as talented as Toni Morrison... and I've had to wonder - what are my goals now? Who do I want to be when I grow up? What kind of woman should I be now, what risks should I take, what hopes should I hold onto? What dreams should I let become reality?
Don't really want to be Oprah - I have no desire to multi-task like that...and Toni Morrison? Still great but my writing has evolved beyond a single genre, so dropping that one too...
Listened to and watched several Janet Jackson videos... "If". "What's it Gonna Be". "Velvet Rope". "Doesn't Really Matter"...and yeah. Still wanna be her. :)
Dammit Janet - lol.
Your girl is back!
-Asha
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