Mariposa

Lately I've been questioning a lot of things...specifically where my fire went.

Passion seems hard to come by when you are faced with the reality of homelessness, hunger, becoming a dual-degreed professional who works at McDonalds...

I have my pride still. Barely, but it's there - lingering on as desperately as it can.

I'm not sure that my situation has caused my change...but I am feeling more or less forgotten.

It's this feeling that keeps me in bed way beyond normal, setting small tasks for myself and unable to finish any of them. I find myself embarrassed by the state of my life, the state of myself.

I looked in the mirror yesterday and could find nothing to love in it.

This lack of self-love is probably transferring over into a feeling of unlovableness... Not only am I having trouble loving it, but I cannot imagine anyone else loving it. So there is more than a lonely feeling.

I went to the first school I ever taught at, not sure what I was looking for, maybe a spark of my former self to incite warmer feelings...instead I found what felt like a snapshot of people who have not grown much, moved much, changed much...and they wanted me back, and it felt comfortable enough to try...

But what is comfortable is not always what is best.

Case in point, when speaking to my former husband the other day, I kept waiting for any shadow of former feelings to appear...but they didn't, not at all. The love has changed, waned, become smaller somehow so that my heart doesn't even register it anymore. Yes I still get a twinge knowing that, someday soon, he will remarry, have kids, live a life that I am no longer a part of...but its just a twinge now, not the full-blown Chuck Norris kick to the face it used to be.

Thing is, sometimes this emptiness feels like waiting... Like I am made of flammable material and I'm waiting for my match. All I want is to be set ablaze, lighting up the night sky, undeniable in my presence.

Waiting is hard.

Especially when I feel like I am waiting for myself, for whatever next incarnation of me that is on the way...

Writing this I had a thought...not fully realized but it's there in my head anyway.

I have been meeting and reconnecting with people I either loved or love immediately. There is no waiting period... And I feel like, in doing so, I am assembling an army of sorts, to help me through what may be the biggest period of evolution my life will see. Getting down to the very basic, bare bones of myself may be leading to that potential I see...I dream about it, about having everything I want and everything I didn't know I wanted...

For years I thought I just wanted to belong, to have a family, love in my life, a passion that fulfills...maybe I want that on a grander scale.

It's strange to have people use such compliments for me. I find it both humbling and satisfying. And its amazing that, when I have a life idea for myself, the people around me say "sounds perfect - could totally see you doing that :) "...

I find myself unafraid of doing the odd thing...of putting myself out there to try the new.

I am a little afraid of what the end result of this change will be. Will it be too big? Will it be quiet but important? Will it look like what the release of all this stored up love looks like?

Will I be me at the end of it all?

I wonder.

-Asha