What it Feels Like for a Girl

I know that sometimes I go on about having all these layers to my personality (like an onion), but underneath all of them, I'm just a girl...

Bit damaged, bit wary, bit uncertain of herself...but still.

I have my days where you might have to be fluent in mind-reading to understand what the hell has me upset.

Today will not be one of those days.

One of the biggest things you can do is let me down. I may forgive, I may be able to move on, but I won't forget - not ever. That's probably a bad thing - but its an honest statement.

Last night I couldn't sleep, no matter what I tried. There was something my mind was trying to tell me about today that I was refusing to accept completely... I even had a "stop lying and just feel it" moment with myself. At around 6:30, as the sun was coming up outside my window, I just gave up and cried. Apparently I needed to - just to be prepared for what I would awake to nearly two hours later.

I don't understand why its easy to be this way with me. Dismissive, distracted...perhaps disinterested? I don't know. I know that a big part of the appeal of a person to me is their ability to keep their word - even in the little things...especially in the little things.

I trust you when you tell me you will do something...so when you don't, I lose a bit of that.

And there is no excuse for treating a person this way - especially someone who is your friend.

I know that there are people recently out of my life who to this day speak lies about me, putting darkness into my motives... Here's what they don't want you to know: there isn't any. No darkness at all. I don't go around playing games and pulling puppet strings. If I feel a thing I either say it or let it show on my face, usually both. There is no hidden agenda here.

Things done in the dark are always brought into the light anyway so what's the point.

The danger to walking around as I am is that it makes me a target. Not a victim - just a target. And it makes my life rougher than it should be.

And then there are the other things...

Like that, at certain times, listening to certain songs, you might see tears rolling down my face...

Like the fact that I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night very aware that I'm by myself in my bed...

Like the singing my heart out I do in the shower, wishing I had the courage to be heard in real life.

Like the fact that my heart is so fragile it could break at any moment, so, every day, I put a layer of steel around it...and everyday that layer melts through so that, at moments like these, I am open and vulnerable and more than sad.

Like knowing that, no matter what harm you do to it, somehow I will find a way to blame myself.

I may not leave my bed today. I have sleep to catch up on, dreams to hide in. I have to remind myself that tomorrow is coming, and that I can either meet it or be beaten to a pulp by it - but it will come nonetheless...

All weekend I wished it would rain.

And now, inside this room of mine, it is.

-Asha

(song by Madonna)