Ordinary People

This one is hard. Necessary...but difficult to write all the same.

I've had a lot of people come into my life - for varying reasons - and each one was important. Not all of them fit in comfortably, or showed up at what I would consider the "best" time. But then, that is how people work...

That is how love works.

I love someone I never expected to love. Not in the way that I do. It's confusing, and scary, and sometimes it hurts so much I feel I can't breathe. We've already discussed the fact that his feelings don't mirror mine. The thing is, my feelings don't require him to.

We've spent almost 12 days together, breathing the same air, eating, sleeping, trying to be the most loving people in what is the worst situation I've ever found myself in. It is not one I wanted to drag anyone into with me, much less the man I love...but maybe that's a mistake. In any relationship, you will have that moment where you can't seem to find yourself. You look in all the mirrors, stare at your hands, into your eyes, and you don't recognize the person there... I've had mornings where I had to tell myself to keep breathing dammit. This thing had a beginning...it will end somewhere if you just hold on.

I've been having trouble holding on...to whatever there is of me in here.

And when I promised not to have expectations, I ended up having a fairly important one. I needed someone to love me - all of me - without the judgment of what I currently am today. Twenty pounds heavier. Sad a lot. Lonely. Unemployed and damn near destitute. All of which are potentially temporary situations...and even when I can't seem to convince myself of that truth, I fight on, hold onto myself, I keep breathing...

I needed someone to love me at my absolute worst while I am fighting desperately for survival.

Perhaps that was an expectation I should not have placed on a person, a man. Perhaps the truth is that only God can do that for me.

So be it.

I did the thing I shouldn't have. I let myself look over in the dark and not feel alone. I let myself think about what small thing I could do to put a smile on his face, even if for a little while. When I couldn't resurrect my passion, I threw myself wholeheartedly into the support of his...and somehow, somehow I believe I still failed.

I don't know if I will ever see him again after this. He is still here, at least for a little while longer, and I have no words to say, no miracles to pull out to put a smile back on his face, gladness back into his heart. He's already told me that he feels this trip - to see me - that it was a mistake, a miscalculation...I wish I could make that a lie.

I wish I could be the girl I was six months ago - but better. More secure. More stable. More in control of the path her life is taking, better able to enjoy the life she has.

It is hard writing this. But whatever happens after today, it is important that I don't forget...I am different. I have changed. I fight to not let this city consume any light I may have left. I refuse to let my current "situation" affect or erase my love. Situations change.

My heart is ever constant.

Yours,
Asha


--song by John Legend--