Miss Independent

You learn things after you marinate on them for a while.

For me, it was taking a look at the life I have and mentally rearranging it into the life I want. Realizing that I do have a lot to work with...and some of the questions I have, I already know the answers to.

So what's the hold up?

Me, mainly. I tend to get in my own way a lot, tripping over my own feet, telling myself I know the solution before I'm told what the real problem is...making issues when there isn't any.

When my marriage ended almost two years ago, I found myself thrown back into the 18-year old version of myself. Unsure, unknowing, afraid, desperately wanting to not fail...but there was no plan. During my marriage, I never sat down and made a plan for what I would do if it ended - I had convinced myself it wouldn't, no matter the misgivings I'd had originally.

I hadn't wanted to be married but then, suddenly, I was, so I set out to be the best wife I could be...without stopping to make sure I was also the best version of myself I could be.

It's a pattern of behavior I continue...although I am hoping this awareness I have from today will help me stop that.

I realized today that the top three spots in my life are filled. I've finally made the top two...God is, and shall always be, number One in my book.

So what now? What shall I do with this new outlook? What vision did I put together today?

I want to be independent. Successful. Fulfill my need to be creative, to be a healer, to travel, to learn. I want a home of my own, decorated the way I want, with light and room for art and cooking and a hearth for my dog to lay on.

I want a car to drive that I've paid off myself. Money saved and money to spend on pretty shoes I buy because I feel fabulous and I want them. I want to get dolled up on the regular, nails and hair, pedicures and massages...because I want to, not for a man, a lover, or anyone else.

I want to indulge...and decline....as I see fit.

I want to go to yoga four times a week.

I understand that this ideal life of mine may not come to complete fruition until the next decade of my life is through. I know that every day I can get a little closer to it.

I know that its okay if I don't know exactly what I want to be when I grow up. Maybe I would like to be a little bit of everything. Pick and choose and change and grow...

And in the process, be free to love the man I want to love, exactly as I wish to.

Fuck the haters. The people who smile in my face and whisper curses under their breath. The ones who do a happy dance whenever my posts get desperate or dark because it means that I am unhappy...and who the hell am I to get to be happy when you are so unhappy with your own lot in life?

My dreams are big - because I am not afraid to dream that way. I may go hungry for a bit. I may have to sleep in my car. But I am still capable of changing the situation my life is in. I think I'm going to continue working on that.

Positive thoughts all...that's where my mind is tonight.

<3 Asha