I'm smiling today. Partly because this song takes me back to elementary school, when my secret dream was to be "a STAR". Like a Rachel Berry kind of star - but not nearly as over-confident. We would have events at my school that would showcase the talents of the student body...and I was determined to be the star, though I never fully verbalized it.
Did I contemplate a little sabotage? Hell yes I did. I wanted the spotlight. I didn't want to share it. I sometimes think I still do - believe a bit in my potential for fame and the reveal that - holy crap - I'm kind of talented :).
Usually my musings end with meeting up with one or another of my famous, still eligible crushes, who then whisks me away so that we can adopt random kids from around the world and count our money. In a castle. But don't worry - I've made sure my close friends and family each have a castle of their own.
I'm not ashamed to admit to daydreaming like an eight year-old.
After the darkness of the past week, I had a conversation with a great friend of mine, whose opinion and advice I respect enough to almost always take. He has gone from a fairly respectable career that left no time for his creativity to grow (being a late bloomer like myself), to a forgettable one that has allowed for him to follow all creative avenues. It is definitely showing in his work. He's by no means rich, or financially comfortable really, but you can feel the difference in his spirit. So when I told him about the one fear/fantasy I still had, after having conquered my fear of painting, he said "Girl, what the fuck are you waiting for?"
Indeed. What am I waiting for?
I woke up this morning and wrote a song. A whole song. I was shocked I could do it. Shocked that it came as easily as it did. Shocked that it was pretty good. Reminded me of that night I picked up a paintbrush for the first time in almost 20 years.
This feels good. Familiar but different. More mature. Exciting.
Not sure you'll see me on X-Factor (I hate those shows), but I am going to actively pursue my music.
Slowly but surely putting the pieces of me back together. Maybe its that every time I shatter, I find something I thought was missing, add it on, building myself surer and stronger every day.
The journey...is turning out to be pretty badass. <3
Love ya'll.
-Asha
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