Fooled Ya Baby

When something ends, unexpectedly, you always have two choices: cry yourself a river, build a bridge, and then get the fuck over it, or settle into a cycle of despair with no way out.

It doesn't matter about the lies, the promises, how you let yourself be used and mistreated. You don't get a medal for being the good girl, supportive, willing, caring. You don't get a do-over when these things happen. The best you can do is try to learn something...

So here's what I learned.

There is no such thing as loving a man who refuses to acknowledge you in public. Who makes you feel like you are less than, who will not hold you when your life is falling apart, who has a convenient wall he likes to use to keep you at arm's length. You cannot fully love a man who refuses to man the fuck up. Who hides behind faith instead of inspiring it in you, who cannot apologize, who participates in the darkness with you but then holds up his hands at the consequences, preferring to sweep them, and your feelings, under the rug.

A man who lies about things. Like where he says he is to his friends when he is looking at you over the phone. When the text he accidentally sent to you is the lie he is giving family about his vacation - that is really a trip to see you. You dress up, go out, support him, and he refuses to acknowledge he knows you as more than an acquaintance.

Love does not hide in the dark.

So while I allowed myself to be fooled - and at the same time fooled myself - I think back on my efforts to forgive. I don't forget, but I did try to forgive. I know that something in my heart died when he asked me to lie for him, because it would save his livelihood, his status...

She told me later he'd lied about that.

I wonder if I have "Love Fool" stamped on my forehead.

When he let loose on me on Monday - it was like someone else had overtaken his body. The words were cold and careless, ripping the biggest insecurity I have from my heart and slapping me in the face with it. This is why, and this, and look in the mirror - who could love this? Plus - how fucked up is your life? You're always sad, you always need support, you always need someone to have your back... Fuck that I have my own life to live and I'm not going to have your bad shit messing mine up.

Every word like a boot to the kidney. I kept thinking "is this love? This can't be love."

Today...today I don't know. There is a big bloody hole in me. I am not okay. Since Monday I've been on this risky search for some semblance of love...or even like. Not smart - but I was hurting and should therefore be given a pass.

How is it that, twice in my life, of the men I've loved enough to let in, to give up my constant heart to, twice I've been shocked and badly burned by them?

Ever feel like this?

Struggling with putting one foot in front of the other. Maybe tomorrow it will be easier.

Breathing.

-Asha