Space

I took it into my head after yesterday's yoga session that I needed to de-clutter my life. I know that when I'm sad, I don't clean shit, and when I'm happiest I don't see what needs to be cleaned. But what really inspired me to do a bit of "life-cleaning" is my instructor. She told me how, at a pivotal point in her life, feeling lost and unsure of her path, she decided to sell all of her positions and move into a monastery. What hit me most was the freedom she described, to be able to let go of all of one's baggage in order to start fresh...

My counselor tells me that, right now, its normal for me to feel awkward when in social situations, where someone may flirt with me, or be interested, and I automatically shoot out a "I'M TAKEN" vibe. I saw it happen last night - I was literally repelling men with this force-field of mine. And that's when I realized that they were both right. I'm holding on to too much stuff. I should pull a Rose and go all "I'll never let go Jack", and then push that MF in the water...Sorry, silly moment...:).

Seriously though, I'm very much into the keepsakes - first flowers, corsages, every single note my ex and I ever wrote to each other...I have a luggage bag full of cards we exchanged. Pictures, wedding invitations, my vows, all of this stuff that I need to let go of, especially if I want to take that neon sign down off my forehead.

What makes me the saddest I think is reading those old journal entries from the early years of my marriage. I wasn't 100% happy all the time, but you can tell I was still in love. He could do no wrong in my eyes, the whole world could turn away, but as long as we had each other - we had everything... and its hard to remember what was and try to rectify it with what is. But change and growth are to be expected. I mean, I still remember when he had a bald chest and four chin hairs!

When I read, I see the changes in myself - but I also have to accept that, even early on, there was much I wanted. I had plans for my life that included learning to be on my own, to be independent, to cultivate my creative side, to be fulfilled. And it is only now, in this experience, that I am doing those things, actively, every day of my life...

So I can say there is gratitude...that much I can admit to.

But there are days like this when I remember not just who I loved but how much I loved. I wonder how long it will be until my house is full of love again. When there will be someone to dance under the stars with, move gently with on rainy mornings, wink at inappropriately, tell my dirty jokes to... I miss that.

Therefore, I am working on creating space in my apartment, space in my life, and space in my heart - for someone...

Maybe for you.

Rumi Time! :)

www.rumi.org.uk

Oh Beloved,
take me.
Liberate my soul.
Fill me with your love and
release me from the two worlds.
If I set my heart on anything but you
let fire burn me from inside.

-Yours,
Asha