Last week, probably Thursday, I had an idea for a blog. It was something that has bounced around my head for years, as for a very long time I made it my mission - to make someone happy, to make their days joyful, to let them know every second that they were loved unconditionally by another person. It was a humongous undertaking, being 100% responsible for anothers happiness - and requires giving up completely on your own.
For a long time I thought that was what made a relationship last - making your partner happy, making sure that they lacked nothing. I ruined my credit, nearly dropped out of school, took jobs that left me unfulfilled and unhappy, overlooked a multitude of sins, all in my quest to be "the best wife" possible.
I have since learned that I should have been trying to be my own best self - for myself.
It's hard being on my own, with no one to care for. Thirteen years of self-denial is a lot to get over. I meet new people, smile, and immediately wonder if I'm "coming on too strong". I can accept that I am one of those people who needs to care for others, but what I can no longer accept is that, when I look at my list of who is important, I'm not number one. That much selfishness I think is necessary...
So, my blog idea was when you're young you think happiness is a gift. You can be blessed with it or someone can give it to you. But when you get older you realize the truth: happiness is a choice. It must be consciously made every day until it becomes second-nature. Like breathing.
And there I can see where my problem was. I was constantly giving what I thought would bring my partner happiness, not realizing that it was impossible. I made concessions that still hurt my heart to think of. No person should ever treat themselves thus, and here I stand before you, guilty as hell.
When I was in middle school, I would "hide" in the room I shared with my siblings, listening to music, drowning in it. A line, a solo, a repeated refrain would touch the inner parts of my heart, where I held my secrets, my worries, my hopes and dreams. One song that I still love to this day was by P.M. Dawn. The line that has haunted me: "What's the easiest way to hurt a man? Give him all he's ever wanted". Because that's what I did, or at least that's what I tried to do. Imagine doing that for ten years...then imagine trying to be that person, doing those things, with a broken heart.
I'm glad I am learning my lesson now, and yes the present tense is on purpose. I have my days where I just don't have it in me to make that choice for myself. Sometimes I look at my alarm clock and launch that sucker right into the wall. Sometimes I walk my apartment in a blanket, too low to even look to see if the sun is shining...
And sometimes I have a miracle day. Where every person I talk to, every experience I have, every plan I start, seems like a blessing. The sun feels like the comforting hand of the divine. My phone rings and every single time it is someone I love on the other hand, reaffirming me, building me up.
Those miracle days are gonna be more frequent for me. As much as I can, for every day that I am blessed with, I am going to make the choice to be happy, and know without any doubt that it is the right one.
Love Yourself.
-Asha
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