The year is coming to a close and I must say 2011 was chock full of life lessons. Most of which incorporated some form of my ass getting kicked. Read back, remember conversations we've had, remind yourself. "Oh yes, I remember! This happened...and then that other...and...well shit. You need a hug girl."
I was walking to the bus stop this morning after a nightmare of sorts. It wasn't scary "per se". More like a recap of what could happen if I allowed it to.
So I pretty much woke up patting myself, making sure all my parts were still attached, and then breathing a sigh of relief. Holy shit balls. None of that can happen.
So I walked down the street, eyes to the ground, mind on my dreams, and I nearly stepped on a heart on the sidewalk. I thought perhaps it was something I could pick up, and I definitely didn't want to kick it - that would be taking the metaphor too far...but I couldn't. It had fused into the cement and I couldn't get it free...ha. Okay. Got it.
Had a conversation yesterday with an older friend of mine. He tends to know a lot about everything - having lived a good 20 years longer than me. He told me that I need to straighten my shit out. "And for God's sake - stop just throwing your heart out there! You're giving me a headache!" I laughed...and then I went home and cried a bit. Fucker was right. Dammit.
I do want to love and be loved. I don't want to settle for less than I deserve. I deserve a hell of a lot. To be loved in the light, not the dark, not by those too scared of my intensity to love the all of me.
And yes there's a lot of me...and if you make it that far, far enough to see into this heart of mine you will be in for a surprise. My heart is like the lotus - an infinite amount of petals unfolding and unfurling and opening up to better.
I don't think I've met that person yet. I do tend to go with the "safe". The ones who will never reach that point. The ones too tied up in outside things to get too deep with me...
But I have to wonder what I'm waiting for. Given my track record, what I want for myself, I'm a bit behind.
I don't know what form love is coming for me in. I don't really care about the "form".
On my Countdown to Thirty bucket list - a grand love affair is towards the top of my list. And not this weak shit that has been coming my way...and not the kind that flashes hot and beautiful and then disappears, apologizing all the way. I want to feel all of that - every second of it.
In love? I am magnificent. In love - I believe wholeheartedly in everything. In love... I sing in the shower with an open heart.
So let's pry it up off the pavement. Let's stop walking over it.
Let's get this love-party going.
Yours,
-Asha
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