The Wondrous

Life is a funny thing, especially when I stop to take a look at mine. You get the opportunity to look at mistakes, stumblings, etc.,and to give yourself a good long talking to. Like "girl what the hell were you doing with your life? Seriously???"

I have to laugh at the way things work out sometimes...and then I have to begrudgingly acknowledge that those friends of mine who tell me to be patient, that things will get better, are always right. Dammit. Lol.

For the past month, I've been engaged in some kind of crazy love affair. Big L, not the little kind. If it was the little kind, I don't think it would haunt me as much as it does. Crazier still because I waver between waiting for it to burn out as quickly as it flamed on, and wondering if maybe, just maybe, this is what I've been waiting for my entire life.

I've loved before. I've been in love before. But never before have I felt an equality in feelings returned. Sometimes I find myself sitting around like "damn. This is dangerous." Because my heart, while afraid, seems to be moving forward anyway, ready or not.

It's a wonderful thing. To feel yourself filled to the top, nearly overflowing with feeling. And I am. I see it in my face when I look in the mirror, and I feel it in my hands when I pick up my paintbrushes...there is only one person I long to paint. Obsessed with my muse, I could fill a myriad canvasses with their beautiful parts, in an attempt to capture forever what I feel...

Hmm. Aren't I waxing poetic today. Ah well.

I've had almost my entire lover list contact me within the last two months...in fact, save one, every single entry has made contact. And I've taken a look at them all, a realistic look, and found them wanting...

How can you even begin to look backwards when everything you ever thought you could want, desired to have, is right in your face?

It's a beautiful thing. It's a private thing. It's a "shout it from the rooftops" thing. I find that I don't give a fuck who thinks what about it...

And how crazy is that? How wonderful is that? How blessed am I to find that my constant heart is not frozen away like I thought? So that, even if this newness does burn down and out, I will feel so grateful to have felt it at all...

Perhaps it really is better to have loved even knowing that, in the end, it may become lost.

For today, I choose to love - wholeheartedly.

Be blessed beautiful people.

Yours,
-Asha