Corners of My Mind

I started a blog post a few nights ago because I was feeling an almost overwhelming amount of love for someone and I wanted to explain to them exactly why that is a miracle for me. I've been quite a tough nut to crack when it comes to love and trust and sharing myself with someone. The fact that I've begun to do that with this man, I thought, was probably a bit alarming for him. For me, it was something else.

I first "discovered" Nikka Costa when I was in eighth grade. It was completely by accident. Watching MTV's new videos, seeing this girl with a riotous amount of red hair slither on-stage in an Evel Knievl jumpsuit and make serious moves on a sparkly microphone perked my interest. Then she opened her mouth and I fell in love.

It was like having your heart burst out of your chest, landing on the floor, and breaking out into the most delicious songs. I felt exposed, raw, full of emotions - and I didn't understand what the fuck had happened to me. I just knew I wanted it to keep happening to me. 

Loving you is like that. An unexpected revelation. That took all my carefully created safeguards and walls and armor and all of the other metaphors for "take your love shit and shove it elsewhere" and pretty much laughed at it. Giggled really. I imagine it saying "oh you thought you were prepared? Honey you have no idea!" Then shaking it's head at me as if I were a very dull but adorable child.

That may not sound flattering.

But then again, I don't want to flatter you. I want to give you the truth.

And the truth is, I wasn't expecting you. And I wasn't expecting to feel so broken and so fixed at the same time. Love has me feeling a little bonkers. What do my kids say? Oh. I "have no chill" when it comes to you. My students are all "Ms! Is your boyfriend mean?" And I'm answering truthfully "no - he's wonderful!" And then it's "Ms! Are you in love" (cue adolescent giggling) to which I reply "oh yes."

Now occasionally when I stare off into space during class a student will say "Ms! Are you even listening?" And another will say "shut up dumbass, she's in love."

It's pretty funny to see the actual dialogue of this here. I've tried to see, looking through past blogs, notes, searching my memory, for any feelings I've had prior that come close to this.

I told you I've loved before. 

But this between you and I? 

This is a-whole-nother animal.

The thought of you... You smile at me sometimes almost bashfully, like you're wondering what planet I'm from. And you aren't sure if you want to worship me, marry me, or run from me. I know that I can be intense, but it intrigues me that my authentic self doesn't scare you - it moves you closer. 

And thinking of you and how much you move me, makes me feel invincible.

I want you to know that I hear music now and think of you. Fast, slow, happy, sad, every song is for you. 

So here are the lyrics for my favorite Nikka Costa song, which I started to listen to today and which put me into tears. I want to listen to it loud with the lights off, holding your hand with my head on your shoulder. So you know that I trust you with every part and piece and story and secret there is of me. And that you smile and kiss the crown of my head and pull me tighter.

Nikka Costa "Corners of My Mind"

Meet me in the stillness

Away from all this madness

I'll give you a piece of me

If you'll give me a moment

To let you into the corners of my mind

I looked into a stranger

And found my soul waiting there

It hit me like a siren

To see myself everywhere

And I saw that I knew him like the corners of my mind

And like every other soul

You feel the night come on hard and go slow

And life goes on and on and it goes

In the corners of my mine

So shed your skin for me

Let's pull back the covers

There's so much about ourselves

We're yet to discover

So won't you let me in to the corners of your mind

We pass on chance with our eyes to the ground

It only takes a minute to see what's around

But instead we choose to reside in the corners of our minds

So I stand before you now

Faulty but not broken

Fragile like the break of day

And sometimes sad like words unspoken

But I'll let you in

I'll let you in to the corners of my mind

And like every other soul

You feel the night come on hard and go slow

And life goes on and on and it goes

In the corners of my mind ❤️.

Yours,

L.