readyformycloseup: Promise

Years after I wrote my blog piece about having a constant heart, I began to worry whether it was, in fact, still capable of being constant. Too much has happened to open my eyes and mind to relationship dynamics. Forays into open relationships, rule-breaking relationships, not-quite relationships, and relationships in name only had changed that. I found myself qualifying behaviors that I'd promised myself were non-negotiable in a relationship. Because we weren't talking, connecting, communicating, engaging in any intimacy both physical and verbal. I felt an emptiness inside my heart and a bit of panic in my head. Was commitment something I was even still capable of? Especially once I realized how many flavors of ice cream there were to choose from and enjoy - where of course ice cream is a metaphor.

Would I ever be happy with just the one flavor?

For a while it seemed like the answer was no. Even as I felt myself slowing down on the sowing of my wild oats, exploring my own sensuality in fun, safe, educational ways, I wondered if...well. Plainly speaking, I wondered if I'd fucked myself out of a chance at monogamy.

It seemed boring. It seemed dangerous, which I know is ironic. The idea of monogamy had nothing to do with my desire for children - I had willing donors on speed-dial.

But I felt...different.

I started looking during my horrible summer, but, in my heart, I wasn't ready. I still had hope that things would turn around, my situationship would graduate to a relationship. Of course, I was fooling myself. And continued to do so for another four and a half months.

But when I felt that shift inside, with the new year and my new outlook? I asked myself "why not try again?"

So I did. And I met him.

It's not a perfect situation, but who wants perfect anyway? That's not realistic, and we are real. Real people who connect in ways I never even thought to try to connect on before. I waver between bursting into flames and melting into oceans around him, at the thought of him.

I think neither of us was prepared for the other. Thinking we would have some fun, go out a bit more, maybe enjoy some company of the opposite sex without the seriousness...

But things got serious. Day one things got serious. Seven hours the first day, nearly twelve the second serious. All that conversation and I still find every new tidbit of information fascinating. I feel his touch on my skin weeks later, and still want more touching.

He talks to me the way I imagine Solomon spoke to the Queen of Sheba. As an equal, albeit a mysteriously enticing one. He makes me feel like I am sitting atop a golden throne, and he is kneeling before me in reverence, but still as a king.

How could I not fall in love with such a man?

And I didn't mean to. I just had no choice in the matter. However, to continue to love? That is a choice, one that I find is as easy as breathing for me.

He is so very easy to love. In his humility, without ego or an over abundance of machismo. He is a man who believes in the mighty power of the female, and that calls me to him like siren song.

We spoke, several weeks ago, about who we were to each other. It was on my lips to call him "king" even as he called me his lady. I could not contain my joy. And so I made him two promises. One out loud, that I would never leave him or hurt his heart.

I know what a hurt heart truly is. I would never want that for him, especially as my fault.

My second promise I made in my heart. To be constant and committed to him as we walk this journey.

It hasn't been easy, though more because of the time in between our seeing each other. No one has come near as a true temptation, because all that he is... I have never met anyone a quarter of what this man is. And because of that, my head and heart cannot be turned. Why would I trade a moment in mediocrity for the love of my lifetime?

I am not a fool.

I've learned that it is possible for me to be monogamous. For me to keep my promises and to continue to love even when it's hard. Because that, my love, is the true test of a relationship.