I was immersed in religion from birth - surrounded and suffocated by people who earnestly wanted me to believe but wouldn't answer my questions. It was hard to rectify the beautiful image I held of a Creator in my heart with the one I was shown, commanded to believe in. I tried to conform, I tried to live the life I was told would be the redemption for my soul - that would lead to an everlasting paradise filled with loved ones...
But I didn't believe in it.
When I found love, the human to human kind, it was in me to attempt to "save" that man through conversion, even though, in my heart, I knew that the love I was experiencing had already been sent by God - so why was change required? I didn't understand, and I understood even less when those same people, who had held my hand as I grew up, kindly tried to keep me from asking too many questions that they didn't have the answers to, who could not understand that my expanding heart did not require those I loved to believe the same way I did, turned their backs on me completely. I was left floundering and wondering how it could be that I was working towards a future full of all the people I loved - but when I embraced love, somehow it was wrong because we went to different churches.
But its a different kind of love that occupies my thoughts today.
I used to remember hearing the parents ask their children where Jehovah was... and seeing them point skyward. But, knowing and accepting that we were made in God's image, wouldn't that mean that there is a bit of God in all of us? Isn't that a much more beautiful idea, that the physical representation of God's love resides in our hearts, as the only proof of existence needed?
I can expand on that.
There have been many times in my life, in the lives of those around me, when I am sure that miracles have occurred. There have been times when I've felt so filled with something - more than love, more than words - that I believe it the work of more than I can humbly comprehend, much less attempt to understand and name.
Living in Charlotte, the forgone conclusion is that I am a Christian.
I'm really not. I find the label limiting. I read recently in a book that the minute we decide we know who and what God is, we are guilty of hubris, as labelling is an act of control, and who are we to think we can control God?
More, I have a belief that I cannot explain, a certainty that the world progresses as it needs to, an understanding that, when I am feeling my most vulnerable, that I am protected, when I am at my lowest, that I am loved.
So, if anyone wants to burn me as a heretic, I ask you if its because you believe that the God you claim to love is more than mine? Is it because I haven't said anything that makes sense, so it must be wrong? Too honest for ya?
Well, one more thing and then you can write me off if you want - I really don't care, as this is my blog :):
Do you really believe that those "good works" you profess to do are going to get you into heaven? Did you forget the parable of the Old Beggar Woman, who willingly gave all she had, though it was really of no use to anyone in such a paltry amount? Because it was the wealth of her heart, her belief, the wanting to give as an act of love, which was worth more gold than all the stars in the sky....
I remember that.
Bless up!
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