One of the things I always prided myself on in my relationships is loyalty. To betray someone I loved was inconceivable to me - no matter the circumstances, no matter if those loyal feelings were earned or reciprocated. At times, this has made me seem weak, almost like a pushover...
But those who know me best, know that there is a fighter in me, that I am one of the strongest people you will ever meet - because of my constancy. If there is no one else you can count on, you can always count on me, no matter how much time may have passed since last we spoke.
This is why I do not like making enemies. Sometimes it seems that these people pop out of the wood works, ready to hate on any good I try to do. Sometimes they act as saboteurs - people who cannot live a happy life unless they are actively trying to ruin someone else's. This is one way to make the fighter come out of me - and I rarely will fight for myself, choosing rather to engage in the battles of others.
But, lately, I have been in battle with myself - specifically my constant heart. I am one of those people who chooses her loves carefully, treading lightly, asking every question until I am sure it is safe to reveal my heart - to give my heart. It is the most precious thing I have to give, and the most wonderful present to receive.
I have chosen wrongly in the past and given my heart to people determined to test and hurt and crush my heart, in an effort to see how very far they can take their cruelty - sometimes blissfully unaware of what the are doing, at least consciously. But do they really think that, just because I am still standing, still smiling, still around, that it doesn't hurt like hell? My heart isn't bulletproof you know.
Recently, I have been trying to regain the trust of my heart - having too long neglected her needs, putting her in situations that were unhealthy for her, allowing her to be battered, bruised, and broken. I don't blame her, my heart. After so many years, not sure I would trust me completely either. But I have found that, being on my own, trying to grow, daring to change... I need her most desperately. When there is no one around to hug but yourself, no one to kiss the boo-boos, no one to laugh hysterically at random things... it is a dangerous state to be in while heartless.
What would I say to my heart if I could?
I would tell her that she is the very essence of who I am, that she makes me what I am. I would say that she is the most beautiful part of me. I would remind her of how very good we are together, how, with her happy, the light just radiates through me. I know I have underestimated her - I know that she is my link to the Divine, the part of me that comes direct from God - a gift. I would tell her that, above all things, I want to protect her, but that I will not lie - she may be put into harms way yet again... maybe soon, maybe not. But it is my hope that, when ready, she will be willing to give what she always has - loyalty, devotion, hope, care... I want very much for her to be happy again.
I don't know if my words would be enough to make her return, to make her stay.
But I have faith in my constant heart. She is a rare breed, a dying species. Too many hearts today do not share her constancy, are too shielded to even attempt to chase a happy that may end in despair.... but not my heart, no not her.
She's a fighter.
she is you..
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