Sunshine...

One of my favorite movies ever is The Wizard of Oz. Not because I have a thing for flying monkeys, tornados, and midgets mind you...excuse me, "little people". Gotta be PC. :) No, besides turning me into a shoe-whore for life, it was the wishes, the power of the wish, the hopeful optimism, the damn Courage with a capital C.

Trying to live my life like that can be...draining, honestly. Because there are people who suck all the hope out of a room just by entering it, people who refuse to believe in anything at all. I wonder if they even believe in themselves...at the very least.

It is not my purpose in life to be one of those hopeless people...but I have my less than hopeful moments. Between yesterday and today...had a lot of those. It made me angry first, spitting mad, wanting to fight something - anything really. But later, much later... I was just sad. So damn sad and disappointed. I talk big when I've got my mad on but in all honesty... it isn't in me to cause pain to someone I have wished happiness for over a decade...

I remember when I thought the sun rose and fell for him. He was my hero, my savior, he was my damn Batman :). I told him all the stuff I was too shy to tell anyone else, and he did the same. We had some awesome times together, just hanging out, being in the same space. Both of us awkward, trying to pretend we were grownups, whispering out of the corners of our mouths "Do you know what the fuck we're supposed to do?". The memory of that man makes me smile and I hope that one day he comes back...because I still wish him happiness.

But these days I have had to learn to be my own best friend, hero, savior. These days I'm the goddamn Batman (that one was for you D <3 ). And my wishes include those for my own happiness, in whatever form it takes, and the wisdom to be able to recognize it when it finally gets here.

The choice to be positive, to remember to say thank you for all that I have received, will receive, and will have the opportunity to give, some days its hard for me. But I am extra blessed - as the people in my life seem to know exactly when those times are, when I REALLY need to talk, or when I just need to sit near someone I love and breathe it in...

This morning I woke up unsettled. I felt like the expiration dates for so much in my life were quickly closing in. I felt a little like I was being slowly choked to death... so I did the positive thing. Got out of bed anyway, took a shower, headed to yoga.

Didn't get into yoga this morning - maybe I wasn't meant to. But when I got back into my car and turned the key in the ignition, there was only one person I could think of, one person I knew that - just by sitting close to them, breathing them in - I would get the strength I needed to meet the day.

He did me one better. He let me curl up on his red couch and left me alone for a bit, not crowding me, letting the tears fall that needed to, silently sending me strength and not asking for anything in return. I was having a "Flaws and All" day and he wasn't scared by my morning trainwreck :). I listened to him puttering around in the kitchen while I spoke to my ex and I thought "if even one person believes enough in your strength, in your capability to come out on top, anything - ANYTHING - can be possible".

So I hung up the phone, went upstairs, and took a shower - I felt like I was carrying two days of grime from the tears and the anger and the rage. And the water was cold. And I couldn't find the soap. And I slipped a little...but I was smiling. And when I opened my mouth - a love song spilled out.

So I believe in the hope still, in the "somewhere over the rainbow", in the "no place like home". I believe in the courage, the persistence of the heart to believe in anything. I believe that a girl like me still has good stuff in store for her life.

I believe in the damn sunshine... :)

Been a while since I have wished you peace Reader. Forgive me - I wish you peace and love and so very much more...

Ashtee!
-Asha