Ready...or Not

I have a multi-track mind. Things are always popping in and out of it, scenarios, perfect things I should have said, missed opportunities, regrets...and other happier things of course.

This past week has been about facing my demons - because its time for me to let them go, even if I'm not sure I'm ready to. My life is moving forward and will continue to do so, so no use dragging my feet, trying to delay the inevitable.

I keep thinking about my "Last Constant Heart" post, what I was feeling then as opposed to what I am feeling now. I woke up Wednesday morning extremely aware that, not only was I alive and kicking, but my heart was singing. Sure signs that I am much stronger, much more sure than I was then. There is someone in particular I have to thank for that, but as strong as I feel, as much as I feel, something is telling me that now is not the time...

Fuck it. Time that is. And hurt feelings and being the good girl and being told to take my time, to be careful, to be cautious. There is so much I want to do, I want to say, I want to tell the whole damn world... but I wonder how fair it is to say it here, on this blog, when I haven't had the cojones to say it in person.

My heart and my eyes are wide open. To all possibilities. And there are so many damn possibilities. Of how the conversation will go. Of the outcome. Will it be the way I dream it is, or will it burn up the carefully laid foundation that is still so very fragile?

I know that I tend to jump headlong into the fire before checking to make sure my underwear are fireproof :). And I kinda feel like this is that moment when you're a kid and you are trying to jump into double-dutch. Somebody's already there, jumping along at their own pace, doing their own thing, and really, you're not much more than an intrusion...but if you can time it just right, fall into their rhythm, and not step on the bloody rope - it could be fun. Amazing, exhilarating...

I told you that I have miracle days. When every time my phone rings, its someone I love on the other end. And that those words, love words, have power, even when its whispered, screamed, written...sent via text message.

You know who I'm talking to - I know you read my blog. And you scare me half-to-death. Your number pops up on my caller-id and I start hyperventilating. My palms sweat. My heart beats so loud I can hear it in my ears (it's him! it's him!). Guess I really can't hold water to save my life... :)

I still have the text. I have all the texts, from that very first one (except the one you made me promise to erase). When you told me I was special. That I was a great woman. When we spent all night asking three random questions of each other. When you asked if I needed anything and told me that you would always have my back...and on March 2nd. When you told me...and I wasn't ready to hear it. Having had it thrown back in my face so many damn times. Having heard the words from someone else, knowing that he was a liar, a cheat, and not worthy...

But I think you are. I didn't believe that I could come so far in such a small amount of time. But you, my heart, you are like a fever, like fire. And I'm jumping into it with both feet, not checking to see if my underwear are flame-proof. Because I know you love me D. You love me with every word, every look, every touch...

And I'm in love with you...ready or not.