M.I.A.....

When I was younger I had friends who would confide in me their deepest, darkest secrets. Things they didn't share with anybody, things they were sometimes too afraid to say out loud...and every time, every single time, I listened. Not because I had to, not because I was just being polite...but because I understood early on that this would be a part of my path. The Non-Judgmental Confessor if you will. :)

The fact is, there is nothing I have ever been told that made me love someone less. My heart may have hurt, I may have wanted to issue some warning, and I guarantee that I probably had the thought that I could save you from yourself... but every time I felt that way, I shook myself, checked that ego of mine.

I have never thought of myself as better than anyone else. I might take a different path if faced with a similar decision, but it doesn't mean I think I'm right. On the contrary, I am extremely aware that sometimes I lead myself astray, with my emotions, with my instincts, with my need to please... I've been known to paint myself into a corner a time or two. Then look up, realize I just screwed myself, and mutter "Oh Shit".

I think there has been a lot of postings on this blog bordering on TMI, but every word, every syllable, has been necessary for me. It is a place for me to both reign in my ego and "let 'er rip" as needed. One of the things I love about free speech is that forums like this can exist...

Which leads me to the reason for this blog. There is a woman I know - fascinating, inspiring, liberated, willing to hope in hopeless situations and full of love. There is nothing I wish for her more than pure bliss in her life... but not everyone feels that same way. For those horrible haters, she has chosen to extinguish a part of her light, to save hurt feelings, to crawl more into herself as us Cancer-girls are apt to do....

I hate that when I click to see her blog now its gone. That her words, honest, ballsy, brilliant, are missing. She is the one who gave me the courage to post my heart - regardless of consequences. I love you honey for that and so much more. You may be missing in action for today, but we are women fighting this war together - to live our most honest lives, to say "fuck the rules", to be open to passion and to destroy that damn limiting pedestal.

Today I am listening to Sade's "Soldier of Love" and missing my friend. And I am posting the lyrics for anyone, like me, like her, who are still in the trenches, trying to live their lives and embrace the love that comes into it.

Balls to the Walls.

-Asha

"Soldier of Love" - Sade

I've lost the use of my heart
But I'm still alive
Still looking for the life
The endless pool on the other side
It's a wild wild west
I'm doing my best

I'm at the borderline of my faith,
I'm at the hinterland of my devotion
In the frontline of this battle of mine
But I'm still alive

I'm a soldier of love.
Every day and night
I'm a soldier of love
All the days of my life

I've been torn up inside - oh
I've been left behind
So I ride
I have the will to survive

In the wild wild west
Trying my hardest
Doing my best
To stay alive

I am love's soldier!

I wait for the sound

I know that love will come
that love will come
Turn it all around

I'm a soldier of love.