Possessed...

I think it was inevitable in this "new" life of mine that I would wake up one day a different person. Every decision I have made or had to accept has changed the dynamic of who I am. I've taken to thinking of it as having been painted in watercolor, soft, muted shades that look as if they have been bleached by the sun... and suddenly, becoming vividly alive, a Crayola explosion, shaped and formed in bold beautiful oils...

There are times when I question who that woman is, strutting down the steps of her apartment, sashaying up the grocery aisle, making eyes at the bag boy... I feel like I have "Trouble" stamped on my forehead. Some men are scared off by it (too much woman for them)... and others...

I remember watching a movie where the main character, formerly so very docile and boring (I think she was a librarian or something), woke up one morning possessed by the spirit of a love goddess... Truthfully, it was a pretty stupid movie. :) But for years I've remembered how she took off her glasses and shook out her hair and it was like BAM! Always wanted to do that to somebody. Just stop them in their tracks...

It was a bit scary to wake up feeling like a different person. I know its a combination of all the healing I've done, the leaps I've made, the risks I've taken. But I was scared that I would lose the essence of who I've been, the parts of me that I like the most...

Because even when I was unhappy with myself, I was proud of the woman I was. I'm a great friend, a great listener, and I won't judge you for anything. I'm only going to give advice when asked, if you need to vent at 3am I'm there, and I occasionally will bring cookies. I don't give fake hugs, if you need a safe space I can be that for you, and my love - it knows no bounds, no ends. I am capable of forgiveness, I can gauge the energy of a situation and act accordingly, and I still believe in romance.

I am not ashamed of anything I have done these past few months. Reaching out, being honest, living with open eyes and heart, accepting that there are fabulous people in my life and being so grateful to know them.

The woman I am is the woman I was in my mind for years. She loves people, loves to be in the midst of it all, she is spiritually awake and sexually aware. She believes in music and loves to laugh - finding it so much easier to laugh with a free heart.

This morning I had the pleasure of hearing from several people. All of whom hold a place in my current life - even the one who hurt me the most. But therein is proof of the constancy of my heart... he knows it, I know it, the universe knows it. Because we were friends first, and will always be friends... and I am so very happy about that.

The man who currently holds my heart is far away...on the road, doing his super-hero thing. And in my heart is the understanding that it may take years for us to come back to the middle, where we can be together, after I've grown some more, changed some more, when there is less fear. But it is solid. So it can wait patiently...

I am happy with the woman I am. Her confidence is not false. She draws strength from the universe and puts it into her smile. I sometimes catch her in the mirror and just grin (hello gorgeous). I can accept that there is beauty in me, and there are those who can see it...and those who can't. And I feel sorry for those people... because I fucking rock. :)

I wrote a poem when I was in high school, newly awakened to my own feminine powers, feeling like energy was coming into my body, up through my toes, shooting from the ends of my hair. I took the opportunity to read it when I was getting rid of some mementos from my past, and it was like hearing a song - my song.

I remember that the girl I was and the woman I am are not so very different. Like I have come full circle, back to myself, back to when I revelled in the magic of myself. Makes me want to toss my glasses and shake my hair out, watch my eyes light up and my lips curve, throw my head back and laugh....

Woman. Possessed.

-Asha