Somewhere before last night's loveliness and this morning's rude awakening, some things became imminently clearer to me.
One? Fuck the bullshit. We know what really went down that led to this shit. You can tell yourself you did the noble thing if it helps you sleep at night - whatever, I don't care. Because you and I both know the real reasons we are through. And I have started on this path of truthfulness and I won't be protecting you anymore. Especially because you have started to believe the lies you are telling yourself and everyone else...
Second? You were right when you said you weren't worth the tears, the anger, the general despair I was thrown into, the shame I felt... you were so damn right. I can admit that much - but that's all you will get from me.
Third? This is your trainwreck - not mine. You fucked it up - this could have been so easy. But the hypocrisy, the late night text messages, the requests for sexy pictures, the apologies... it was in my heart to make this easy for you, even with my friends and family calling me every kind of fool. Did you forget I know where all the bodies are buried? I know the shit you pulled that could fuck up your future... I know that shit you are trying to pull now with me. :) Did you forget who the brains of the family was? I know shit I guarantee you don't think I know...so please don't try me.
Fourth? You were my friend before you were my man. I treated you like gold for 13 fucking years and I deserve more than the bullshit you've been feeding me since you found out on Saturday that I wasn't sitting around like a nun waiting for your ass... And I am not one bit sorry. Don't hate that I am evolving into something beautiful as you get grimier by the second - isn't that why she broke it off? Lack of honesty on your part? Still can't keep it in your pants for one girl at a time???
I feel like I am burning - literally on fire. But it isn't rage - more righteous indignation. I know why you said what you did this morning. You've done it to me for years, but you don't know the right buttons to push anymore. It made you powerful to see me cry, to bring me low, because you always knew I was meant for better. But I'm not crying now son. Not one fucking tear.
For my readers - I apologize for this rant. I apologize for the tmi. I tried - I really did try, but sometimes you have to put your business out there. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm not damn sorry. I am well-loved, respected, and admired... and very much through with the bullshit.
Moving forward - purposefully. No one is lost to me, and for that I am grateful. I love my sisters and brothers, my extended family, my adoptive grandma more than life. And even if they turn from me for this - I will always be there.
Guess I am continuing with this exorcism of mine :).
Let's keep it going!
-Asha
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